Grieving Thoughts and Behaviors

Thoughts during grief can vary from “there’s nothing I can do about it” or “it’s my fault, I could have done more” to “he had a good life” or “it wasn’t her time.” They can be troubling or soothing, and people in grief can bounce between different thoughts as they make sense of their loss.  Grieving behaviors run from crying to laughter, sharing feelings to engaging silently in activities like cleaning, fixing, or exercising.  They can involve being with others or by oneself.

The different feelings, thoughts, and behaviors people express during grief can be categorized into two main styles: instrumental and intuitive.

• Instrumental grieving involves doing more physical things such as a hobby, playing, dancing, and working out.
• Intuitive behaviors include sharing feelings, exploring the lost relationship, and considering mortality and meaning in life.

How Long Does it Take to Grieve?

It is helpful to know that grief is natural and time limited.  It can continue anywhere from two weeks to almost two years, and is usually different for each relationship or event.   It is also quite normal to be able to experience joy, contentment, and humor even amidst the worst loss.  Factors contributing to soothing grief include strong social support, optimism, and physical exercise.  Most people recover from grief and can continue with their usual activities, while still feeling moments of sadness, within six months.  Some people feel better after about a year to a year and a half. For others, their grief may be longer lasting, continuing for years without seeming to improve or with any break, and this may be due to factors before the loss such as pre-existing depression or high dependency on the departed.

Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time.  Some people are more emotional and dive into their feelings while others are stoic and may seek distraction from dwelling on an unchangeable fact of living.   Neither is better than the other, but if at any point one is concerned about whether one’s grief-related feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are “normal” and “healthy,” a consultation with a qualified mental health professional may be advised.