Saturday, December 24, 2011

True Belief - Care - and - Loyalty


I do acknowledge a loss of life, relationship, employment, housing, health, education, and pets can be a painful experience one can endure in life. There is a total True Belief one can not cope a loss by oneself.  For this reason the family and really true friends are required to standby to provide comfort along with returning assembly into the bereaved.  Consequently, This Belief can "Only" come from the One that can provide a complete makeover for all the losses one does experience in one’s life time. 

All the therapy and bereavement sessions will not totally be the end all, unless you place trust in the Physician of Life Hand. The Physician of Life Hand can and will eradicate all the emotional stresses due to a one particular loss.  

This film has brought a makeover and stronger Belief into many.   http://www.hulu.com/watch/37134/the-miracle-maker and  in this 1994 video from The Pretenders "I'll Stand by You" totally provided a significant care to one half of the couple,  who did experience  some loss at the work center. This 1994 video clearly gave a great example of the woman improving and enhancing the quality of a relationship.   There is truly a lack of improving and enhancing relationships at this moment in time.   In society today most women can not provide that loving and enhancing to their man for one reason or another.   Relationship requires the implementation of more High Touch into the couple life.    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY0_oVV29PM.

These two videos completely provide great examples during a particular loss of life, relationship, health, employment, education, housing, and pets.   Let these two videos be part of your lives and to those, who have or may anticipate an experienced a loss.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Care and Compassion

Grieving is hard work and grieving should not be done alone.   Friends seek out your bereaved loved ones, and dear friends support each one of them during the Christmas Season.   Provide loving compassionate love, without looking for a tax deduction for assisting anyone in grief and loss.

Supportive Care toward the Bereaved.

Christmas, many people are dealing with loss and are often caught in a dilemma between the need to grieve and the pressure to get into the spirit of the season. Christmas or not, it is important for the bereaved to find ways to take care of themselves. The following guidelines may be helpful:

1. Plan ahead as to where and how you will spend your time during the Christmas. Let yourself scale back on activities if you want to. Redefine your Christmas expectations. This can be a transition year to begin new traditions and let others go.

2. Select a candle in your loved one's favorite color and scent. Place it in a special area of your home and light it at a significant time throughout the Holy Days, signifying the light of the love that lives on in your heart.

3. Give yourself permission to express your feelings. If you feel an urge to cry, let the tears flow. Tears are healing. Scientists have found that certain brain chemicals in our tears are natural pain relievers.

4. Shakespeare once said, “Give sorrow words…” Write an “un-sent letter” to your loved one. expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this moment. After you compose the letter, you may decide to place it in a book, album or drawer in your home, leave it at a memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it and let the ashes rise symbolically.

5. When you are especially missing your loved one, call family members or dear friends and share your feelings. If they knew him or her, consider asking them to share some memories of times they shared with your loved one.

6. If you live within driving distance of the cemetery, decorate the memorial site with a Christmas theme. This could include flowers, garlands, ribbons, bows, evergreen-branches, packages, pine-cones or a miniature Christmas tree. Decorating the site yourself can be helpful in remembering and celebrating your loved one's life during the Holy days, and may free you to cherish the present holy day with your remaining family.

7. Play music that is comforting and meaningful to you. Take a few moments to close your eyes and feel the music within the center of your being.

8. Give money you would have spent for gifts for your absent loved one to a charity in your family member's name. Consider donating money to the public library to buy a particular book. Have the book dedicated to your loved one's memory. Buy a present for a child who would not otherwise have a gift during the Christmas season.

9. Read a book or article on grief. Some suggestions are: Don't Take My Grief Away From Me by Doug Manning; The Comfort Book For Those Who Mourn compiled by Anna Trimiew; and A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis.

10. Remember the reality that the anticipation Christmas  without your family member is often harder than the actual holy days  themselves.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Actions One Can do During the Holy Days


The holidays have the potential to be stressful, whether it’s extra activities and responsibilities, family feuds or squabbles, cash concerns or shakeups to your daily routine.
But you can absolutely enjoy yourself and have a great holiday season. Here are eight tips from experts on making the most of the holidays.
1. Set an intention for the season.
When acting on your intention, try to find simple, less stressful solutions. If you really want to host a party, but feel drained just thinking about it, have a potluck instead, Taliaferro said. You get what you want, minus the stress.
2. Have realistic expectations.
Come holiday season we tend to assume that our bratty kids will transform into little angels and our always-fighting families will become the Brady Bunch. “But if [your relatives] haven’t gotten along for the other 11 months of the year, why should you think December will be any different?” said Darlene Mininni, Ph.D, MPH, author of The Emotional Toolkit, who works privately with individuals and speaks nationally on topics related to emotional health and well-being.
We also put a lot of pressure on ourselves to pull off the perfect holiday, with just the right gifts, food, decorations and so on. But setting sky-high and unrealistic expectations only leads to disappointment and distress and leaves you missing out.
“It’s the discrepancy between what you expect and what you get that creates disappointment and unhappiness during the holidays,” Mininni said. She suggested readers take a hard look at the reality of their expectations. If they’re idealistic, “…rethink how you’ll approach this season so you can close the gap between your fantasy and your reality.”
And look at it this way: “Relaxed and happy is so much more enjoyable than perfect and pressured,” said Andrea Medea, author ofConflict Unraveled: Fixing Problems at Work and in Families and Going Home without Going Crazy: How to Get Along with Your Parents and Family (Even When They Push Your Buttons).
When things go wrong, that’s when funny memories are made, anyway. “Frankly, it’s a fabulous memory when the cat runs off with the turkey,” Medea said. She recommended Virginia Brucker’s bookGifts from the Heart: Simple Ways to Make Your Family’s Christmas More Meaningful, which focuses on simplicity and love, not perfection.
3. Have a plan for potentially tense situations.
With some relatives we know exactly how a get-together will play out, because it’s happened year after year…after year. What can help in minimizing conflict is to create a plan about how you’ll react. “Anticipate stressful situations you might encounter and be prepared with a few words to help maintain a sense of calm,” Taliaferro said.
If your mother-in-law — you know, the one who tends to push your buttons — is staying with you for several days, figure out how you’ll approach her when she inevitably hits a nerve, Taliaferro said. Let’s say she criticizes your parenting. When she makes a comment, Taliaferro said, you might reply: “I love how much you care about the kids,” and “recognize her intention, which really is about caring for the kids.” Or you might say: “Thank you for respecting my parenting style. I know sometimes that’s hard to do.”
If she continues criticizing and your intention for the season is to be calm and non-reactive, consider what would be the best action to take in this situation. “If calm inhabited your body, how would calm respond to her? Calm may leave the room and go for a walk alone to cool off,” Taliaferro said.
4. Maintain some of your routines.  
Many people tend to get stressed when their routines are broken, which happens often during the holidays. “Keep some of your grounding rituals in the mix, such as daily fitness [and] getting enough sleep,” Taliaferro said. These activities give you more energy and are key stress relievers.
5. Take care of your mind, body and behavior.  
Rick Hanson, Ph.D, a neuropsychologist and author of Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time, suggested readers pay attention to their body, emotions, thoughts and actions.
  • Body: We experience the physical sensations of stress and anxiety thanks to the sympathetic nervous system, our ancient fight-or-flight system. The antidote, Hanson said, is to activate the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). “Easy ways to light up the PNS include l-o-n-g exhalations, relaxing the tongue, warming the hands (or imagining that they are warm, like holding a cup of cocoa), and relaxing the body as a whole.”
  • Emotions: Encourage positive emotions by focusing on and savoring all the positive experiences associated with the holidays. Spending a minute or so relishing these experiences helps them enter our long-term emotional memory and sink in, Hanson said.
  • Thoughts: This time of year our heads are swirling with should sand musts. We know how detrimental these thoughts can be. Hanson encourages readers to return to “the simple truth that in this moment, each moment, you are actually basically alright; the simple fullness of being in the present, not regretting the past or worrying about or planning the future.”
  • Actions: “Slow down and do less,” Hanson said. “Keep coming back to your breathing as you look for gifts, do dishes, wrap presents, or visit friends.” Remember that others may be struggling during the holidays, too, so be kind and compassionate. Also, consider “giving the gift of your full attention to others, rather than being distracted by your to do list; or the gifts of forgiveness, gratitude, and wholeheartedness.”
6. Create reminders of your intention.
It’s easy to get carried away, let stress consume you and forget the purpose and meaning of the holidays. A visual reminder helps bring you back and put things in perspective. Taliaferro suggested taping quotes to your fridge or putting them in frames in other areas of the house. Some of her favorite quotes:
  • “The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good.” – James Allen.
  • “In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you” – Deepak Chopra.
  • “Peace does not require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.”  - Byron Katie.
  • “Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”  - author unknown.
7. Create an environment of calm.
Taliaferro also suggested creating a sense of calm in your different environments. For instance,  “play calm music at home, in your car or at work.” Have objects that relax you, too, such as scented candles.

8. Have fun activities planned for get-togethers.
“Since holiday guests can be a source of stress for people, plan very simple and pleasurable activities with your more ‘challenging’ relatives and you may find the relationship flows much easier in that moment since you’re both having fun,” Taliaferro said.
“Rather than just fume, waiting for Uncle Jeff to act out, have some DVDs of old comedies. Abbott and Costello doing ‘Who’s on First?’ works for any generation,” Medea added. She also suggested taking out your oldest photo albums and sharing the stories behind them.
And in general, don’t forget that all families are complicated. “A simple family is like asking for a simple universe,” Medea said. “Families are wonderfully complex, layered, with generations of baggage.” And don’t forget, too, that the holiday season “also brings the possibility of building bridges back to people we love, even if they drive us crazy.”

Friday, December 16, 2011

The What Not's During the Holy Days!



So, you want to get a holiday gift for your friend with depression. Let’s start with what NOT to buy.

PETS
Animal therapy is great. My dog dragged my butt out of the house when I was in the deepest throes of my last major depression. However, the time to become a pet owner is NOT when you are in the bottom of your black hole.  This is not the time to become a pack leader. Pets, especially dogs,  need affection, discipline and exercise. They need this from the moment they walk into their new home. Most of us in our healthiest state of mind aren’t up for that challenge.
Remember, puppies can read and they are discerning little rascals. Any leather product that says “Made in Italy” is as good as rawhide. I’ve never had a kitten but I hear they’re like having a little shredding machine. Ixnay on the et-pay.

SWEETS, CAFFEINE, ALCOHOL
Have you seen that ride at that fair where they put you in some kind of rubber-bank like harness and then drop you? You jump – you’re almost weightless – and you bounce up and down and up and down. This is what happens to your brain when you eat sugar. You get a spike of energy, then you crash. Spike. Crash. Spike. Crash. If you really want to give something sweet, check the labels and pick a product that has the least amount of sugar. Nuts and fruit are better than food with processed sugars.

On to caffeine. It’s a drug, pure and simple. Yes, in moderation it can be fine but if your loved one is bipolar, the last thing she needs when she is manic is a stimulant. Trust me, I know. I used to drink caffeine, especially coffee.  A few cups of Joe on top of even a mild mania and I was pawing at the ground like a racehorse in the start gate. Yes, it gave me a badly needed jump start when I was down. Still, it is a drug. Don’t believe me? Try quitting. The headache can become unbelievable. 

Alcohol? Double-ixnay. Alcohol is a depressant, even the comfy drinks like spiked egg-nog and apple cider. Champagne for the happy times? No. Alcohol and depression do not mix. Trust me. I’m a dual-diagnosed alcoholic. It took decades of hangovers to figure this out but and I can unequivocally say I know what I’m talking about. Alcohol is a depressant. Period.

MUSIC
Music therapy, like pet therapy is great. However, it doesn’t matter how much your friend loves Pink Floyd, Nirvana or Chopin, check the playlist. For classical music, look for anything in a minor key. During the holidays we think of Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker and those beautiful little sugar-plum fairies. But he also wrote his Symphony No. 6 in B minor Op. 74  (akaPathetique). Blink-182′All the Small Things makes me dance but Adam’s Song makes we want to drop a toaster in the tub. I’m just saying, check the lyrics.

BOOKS
Even if your friend loves to read, depression will shorten her attention span to that of a goldfish. As an avid reader myself, you cannot imagine my frustration at not being able to read a book. I could not even make it through a magazine article. I couldn’t focus and I kept forgetting what I had read.

If you must give a book, avoid William Styron’s Darkness Visible or the biography of anyone who committed suicide. Take a good look at a self-help book before you buy it and remember, the shorter the paragraphs and sentences, the better. I kept that in mind. In my last major depression I was terrified that I would never be able to write or read a book again. So, short sentences, simple words and easy content are best. Maybe even a coffee table photo book of a place where your friend enjoyed a vacation or would love to visit.
I’m sure there are a lot of other things that don’t make good gifts for our friends with depression. 

So, please share them with us! Only 15 more days till Christmas…

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Complicated Grief



Friday, December 9, 2011

Solutions with a Break-Up of a Relationship.


Going through a romantic break up can be a very hard and painful experiment. We feel rejected and abandoned.   We are not sure how worthy we are and why our love decided against us. We can feel lost and normally we go through the hardship of grieving; grieving the loss of our partner, our hope, our happiness.
Maybe someone came up to you and said that you might benefit from this experience. I am rather impatient with these warriors of anti-empathy – though I see their truth. It sounds like:  “I do not share your sorrow, but as a higher intelligence I show you the good way of handling pain!”
Being depressed, withdrawn, uncertain and sad is normal and even necessary for going forward. You don’t have to be ashamed by that! In order to fully experience happiness we need to know sorrow as well. We compare the best times of our life to those worst times – and break ups are definitely one of the worst.
But over the pain, you do have a lot to discover – as smart people can learn from everything.
First of all you will see how you handle the bad news. As you strive to learn how to get over a break up, investigate your feelings and reactions.  I know you feel hurt, rejected and maybe ashamed. You might feel yourself unworthy and you might believe that no one in the world would love you anymore. There might be some self pity involved. They are valid and understandable feelings – though the best if you don’t dwell too long in them.
Be honest with yourself, because recovery and the answer to how to get over a break up comes through experiencing those feelings.
Then you can investigate how you react: What do you do with this pain? Will you distract yourself? Will you ruminate alone? Will you share it with a confidential friend or with everyone? – You might learn new stress handling skills.
How will you rebuild your self-esteem? How soon and which way can you feel your strength again? You can strengthen yourself by achievement, friendship, or other activities – or you can stick in the position of being depressed. You might learn a new way of connecting to the world: new activities, new friends, or the new independent you who can conquer the world all alone!
Following a break up most people want to understand what happened and why. For example, if you realize that your partner simply was not reliable, you might be cautious about those signs next time. If you found you were way ahead in the commitment process, you can let the relationship deepen a bit slower next time.
There are millions of reasons why people split up from the personality differences to the different expectations and needs, from poor communication habits to being in different life stages and having different life assignments connected to it. While you give some time for this investigation, your self-knowledge and the knowledge about your partner and your relationship deepens. You might gain some noteworthy insight.
When you find out the reason of your separation, you can consider how you prevent it happening next time. You might come to the realization, that you behaved a certain way which caused problem – and you can decide to keep it or eliminate it. It is especially useful to uncover certain patterns that you have; for instance, if you come to the conclusion that “I always end up with liars”, ask yourself, what do you do that attracts liars? How come you did not discover their lies in earlier days?
In addition you might realize what was problematic in your partner’s behavior, and accordingly decide your values and preferences; for example, “I don’t like too adventurous (boring, self-centered, etc…) guys.”
At the end, when you are over on the worst days of sorrow, you will be aware of lots of connections which were not so obvious before. This experience might even change your opinion, world view and attitude towards relationships or towards yourself.
I know: this is sometimes a very difficult and painful process and you would rather choose the relationship instead. But if you don’t, at least have a chance to use the experience for expanding your own wisdom!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

You Have to Do More to Make the Corrections in Life.

I have extolled the virtues and benefits of psychotherapy for years. But therapy isn’t a cure-all, and it won’t help every person, with every problem, in every situation. In fact, it’s important to realize when going to see a therapist isn’t likely to help your situation much, because it can save you time, money and needless frustration.


1. Your Personality.

While indeed personality disorders make up a good chunk of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the so-called DSM), they also got their own category within that reference book for a good reason — they’re really hard to change.

Personality disorders are typically more ingrained and therefore more difficult to change than most other mental disorders. After all, our personality — the way we relate to both ourselves and the world around us — starts in childhood and is shaped by decades’ worth of experiences, wisdom and learning. You can’t expect to undo decades of personality development in a few months’ worth of psychotherapy. (Years, maybe.)


While psychotherapy won’t likely cure you of a personality disorder or long-term personality trait, it can help mitigate some of the worst features of the problem, or reduce its intensity. For instance, while someone with narcissistic personality disorder may still go through life thinking they’re better than everyone else, they can learn to tone it down in their individual dealings with others so it becomes less of a social and work impediment. Introverted people will still be largely introverted, but they can learn to feel more relaxed and comfortable in social situations.

2. Your Childhood.

Sigmund Freud and many others of his era traced a lot of emotional health problems back to a person’s childhood. As much as we would like to try, however, we can’t go back and fix our lousy childhood. It is what it is — a piece of our history.

What you can fix in psychotherapy is how you interpret what happened in your childhood… And whether you choose to cling to those issues, or whether you can grow from them after obtaining insight into their significance. But therapy won’t cure you of your bad parents, rotten siblings, crumbling childhood home, or sketchy neighborhood where you grew up.

3. Half a Relationship.

It takes two to make a healthy relationship work — and to continue to grow and move forward after the relationship has hit a few rocks. Psychotherapy can help couples through those rocky parts, but only if both people agree to counseling with an open mind and a willingness to work on the relationship. This means both partners also have to be willing to undertake some changes (not just pay lip service to them).

While one half of a couple can go into counseling to work on relationship issues, it’s not going to be nearly as effective as having both halves in therapy. Therapy with only one side will usually only help that person to better cope with their partner’s problems or issues (this is more of a band-aid than a long-term fix). Or, worse, help that partner to decide whether the relationship is even working at all.

4. A Broken Heart.

Nearly all of us have gone through it — the feeling like your heart has just been ripped out of your chest and stomped upon. When love dies, it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. Sadly, it rarely ends after just a couple of days.

But talking to a therapist isn’t likely to help much with this issue. The end of a relationship is one of those really difficult times in almost everybody’s life where there are no shortcuts or quick solutions. Talking to a close friend, focusing on activities (even if you don’t feel like doing them), and immersing yourself in things that will keep you busy are your best bets, as time does its magic.

Therapy may help a person who gets “stuck” in ruminating over the details of the old relationship, even years after it’s over. If a person can’t move on, talking to a professional may help them understand the relationship better, and bring perspective to their life.

5. Losing Someone.

The proposal for the new revision of the DSM suggests that normal grief may become diagnosable  as depression, but grief isn’t typically considered a mental illness in need of treatment. Despite the popular common wisdom of the “ 5 stages of grief,” the reality is that everyone grieves loss differently and uniquely. 

Like in love, psychotherapy isn’t going to do much to help speed the natural processes of time and perspective. Grief needs space for remembrance and being with your thoughts of the person who’s passed away (in other words, grieving is best done when it’s done mindfully and with patience).

Therapy can help, however, a person who gets “stuck” in a life oriented toward grieving or a person who, even years later, still cannot get over the loss. But for most people, psychotherapy is both unnecessary and overkill for what is a normal process of life and living.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

HOPE Is your Friend.


  1. In our lives there are many holidays or special days, such as birthdays, anniversaries graduations, weddings, and Easter, to name a few. These are all difficult days for the bereaved, but for many, the most difficult holiday of the year is Christmas. This day more than any other means family together. They are synonymous and it is at this time we are so acutely aware of the void in our lives. For many the wish is to go from Dec. 24 to Dec. 26. We continually hear Christmas Carols, people wishing everyone, "Merry Christmas"; see the perfect gift for our dead child, spouse, or relative and suddenly realize they will not be here. Listed below are some ideas and suggestions that others have found helpful in coping with the Holiday Season. Choose the ones that will help you.
    1. Family get-togethers may be extremely difficult. Be honest with each other about your feelings. Sit down with your family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season. Don't set expectations too high for yourself or the day. If you wish things to be the same, you are going to be disappointed. Do things a little differently. Undertake only what each family member can handle comfortably.
    2. There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change.
    3. Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.
    4. Be careful of "should." It is better to do what is most helpful for you and your family. If a situation looks especially difficult over the holidays, don't get involved if possible.
    5. Set limitations. Realize that it isn't going to be easy. Do the things that are very special and/or important to you. Do the best that you can.
    6. Once you have made the decision on the role you and your family will play during the holidays, let relatives and friends know.
    7. Baking and cleaning the house can get out of proportion. If these chores are enjoyable, go ahead, but not to the point that it is tiring. Either buy baked goods or go without this year.
    8. If you used to cut your own tree, consider buying it already cut this year. Let your children, other family members, neighboring teens, friends, or people from your church help with the decorating of the tree and house. If you choose not to have a tree this year, get a ceramic tree or a small table top tree.
    9. Emotionally, physically, and psychologically it is draining. You need every bit of strength. Try to get enough rest.
    10. What you choose to do the first year you don't have to do the next.
    11. One possibility for the first year may be to visit relatives, friends, or even go away on a vacation. Planning, packing, etc., keeps your mind somewhat off the holiday and you share the time in a different and hopefully less painful setting.
    12. How do we answer, "Happy Holidays?" You may say, "I'll try" or "Best wishes to you." You thing of many answers that you don't say.
    13. If shopping seems to be too much, have your relative or close friend help you. Consider shopping through a catalogue.
    14. If you are accustomed to having Christmas dinner at your home, change and go to relatives, or change the time (instead of 2 p.m., make it 4 p.m.). Some find it helpful to be involved in the activity of preparing a large meal. Serving buffet style and/or eating in a different room may help.
    15. Try attending religious services at a different time or church or synagogue.
    16. Some people fear crying in public, especially at religious services. It is usually better not to push the tears down any time. You should be gentle with yourself and not expect too much of yourself. Worrying about crying is an additional burden. If you let go and cry, you probably will feel better. It should not ruin the day for other family members, but will provide them with the same freedom.
    17. Cut back on your card sending. It is not necessary to send cards; especially to those people we will see over the holidays.
    18. Do something for someone else, such as volunteer work at soup kitchens or visit the lonely and shut-ins. Ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. Provide help for a needy family.
    19. Donate a gift or money in your loved one's name.
    20. Share your concerns, feelings, apprehensions, etc. with a relative or friend as the holiday approaches. Tell them that this is a difficult time for you. Accept their help. You will appreciate their love and support at this time.
    21. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss of a loved one. It is important and natural to experience the sadness that comes. To block such feelings is unhealthy. Keep the positive memory of the loved one alive.
    22. Often after the first year the people in your life may expect you to be over it. We are never over it but the experience of many bereaved is that eventually they enjoy the holidays again. Hold on to HOPE.
    23. Don't forget, anticipation of any holiday is so much worse than the actual holiday.

Significant Differences Can Repair Life.


What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the term “Mindful Recovery?”

Is it Addiction? Trauma? Depression? Or maybe something else?
Maybe it’s all of those things, but I’m going to pose this moment to be a time to look back on the last year and ask yourself, “What afflictions have I suffered this year that I am in recovery for?” Maybe this last year you let stress get the best of you? Maybe your relationship slipped this past year as you got roped into more television programs or Facebook addictions. Maybe you did slip into abuse with drugs, alcohol, sex, work, or overly accommodating people in life who abuse you.
What’s going to be different in the coming hours, days, weeks and months ahead?

Perhaps the simplest path is to make the intention an awareness of the moments you get sucked into these destructive behaviors that you want to change. In this space of awareness we draw a second intention which is to get curious about what the feeling is that you’re trying to escape from.

I think where we make our greatest error is when we make those resolutions that say, “I’m going to go the gym more, meditate more, start playing guitar or bring the romance back.” This jumps the gun. There are so many steps that occur before taking action with any of these things. There’s already a built up resistance to them and to skip over that is a recipe for failure.

What if these changes you wanted to make were couched in less immediacy? It’s helpful to actually understand what going on with the auto-pilot that lives within each one of us.
Here’s 7 steps to get underneath the hood and give yourself the change of making real change last:
  1. Set a date to do whatever it is you want to do. Whether it’s the gym, yoga, spending more time with family, or getting all the alcohol out of the house.
  2. When that time comes, don’t do anything, just take a seat or lie down.
  3. Open up to the body, what is being experienced? What’s the urge? What emotions are there? Just open up without judgment, exploring this with curiosity, as if this was the first time you were getting to know yourself.
  4. Know you are the ocean, not the waves and urge surf. In other words, watch the sensations and emotions rise, peak and eventually fall.
  5. Put your hand on your heart and thank yourself for taking time out of all your daily busy-ness for your own health and well-being.
  6. Engage with whatever it is you wanted to engage with even if there’s only a few minutes left.
  7. Repeat the practice several times over and over again.
See if you can release whatever judgments are arising in your mind right now about whether this will or will not work. Don’t let yourself be enslaved by the judgments, instead let your experience be your best teacher. This is your year for a mindful recovery

Mindfulness of Stabilizing Your Relationship.


It’s no secret that for a long time now there’s been an increasing pressure from parents to push kids in the direction of achievement. In the past if you’re kid got into Stanford, Harvard, or any of the top schools the parents could rest and pat themselves on the back for a job well done. Right now, more people are graduating from top schools and finding there’s nowhere to go.  They’ve been trained to achieve all their lives and are now finding a massive void in the market and perhaps in their perception of what really matters in life.
I’m not saying that being straddled with large student loans and the inability to get a job isn’t a real stressor. But today more parents are finding themselves wondering if they made a mistake in not focusing more on the non-achievement oriented things in life that lead to simple pleasures and happiness.
If we take a step back we might see that some of our happiest times are those where we slow down and become mindful of the simple things in life. As we pay attention to our bodies, we can be grateful for the ability to see, hear, smell, taste and touch (or for most of these if one is missing). Some of my happiest moments are those where my family and I didn’t leave our house at all and played together, ate together and rested together.
Becoming mindful of the life around us is completely free and can help you regulate emotions during difficult times, create more flexibility and creativity in decision making, cultivate resilient feelings like gratitude, empathy and compassion and open you up to things that you can enjoy in life.
I’m not advocating for getting rid of achievement or ditching any ideals or efforts to get hired, but more to open the mind to the idea that we are active participants in our own health and well-being despite the more difficult conditions.
This may be a lesson to the rest of us whose kids are not yet in college that making achievement in school the primary focus may be something to reconsider. In what ways may it be important to broaden the scope of what really matters in life to be finding value in the simple things?
In the words of the late Richard Carlson, author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff–and it’s all small stuff  “Be grateful for the good times and graceful during the more difficult times.”
A little mindfulness can help us during these times and bring our kids up to realize this piece of wisdom.
As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction creates a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Peace all good to you this Season!


The weather outside might be frightful but inside it’s definitely worse. According to New York psychologist Jay Seitz, 25 percent of people experience some kind of holiday anxiety or depression. That is, one in four people sipping eggnog feel like that stale, bland, unpopular fruitcake that was re-gifted five times before it was fed to the neighbor’s cat on Christmas Eve. Yes, the holidays do bring a magic and excitement to the month of December, but the stress, loneliness, and blues pre-packaged with the festivities can be enough to drag a quarter of us across the tenuous line from sanity to insanity.
Here are eight tips intended to keep you from hurling the mistletoe at Uncle Fred because he asked for the butter in the wrong tone of voice.
1. Find your kind of people
The good/bad news of holiday depression is that so many people suffer from it that it’s easy to find a person with whom to relate. It’s unfortunate that one-fourth of the US population would prefer to skip the month on December. However, this means that people who hide from carolers are certainly not alone—and, if they join up with the folks chucking holiday letters in the trash unopened, they will feel a companionship that can definitely lift their moods. The trick is identifying this 25 percent.
Here’s a hint. They are typically the ones who don’t say much after the question, “How are you?” Or, if they do, their response is something like, “Okay… How are you?,” which is code for “How the hell do you think I am?” Stick with them.
2. Embrace your inner slacker
Stress is usually the biggest culprit behind the holiday blues. Stress does bad, bad, bad things to your body, places toxins into your bloodstream, whacks out your heart and other organs. It produces hormones that can change your personality from that of June Cleaver to Sybil.
So your biggest chance at combating holiday anxiety and depression is to eliminate as much stress as you can. And at that statement you just rolled your eyes, like I do every time my mom or my husband says that to me. I look at my to-do list and each item whispers, “You can’t cut me. You need me, remember?”
That’s when I take the red pen and start marking up the page. Christmas cards. Do I REALLY need to send 250 of them? No. Do I even need to send 50? Not really. Let’s put that on the “Would be nice if I have time” list. In other words, you need to embrace your inner slacker, and tell her that you need her help this holiday season.
3. Slow your breath
Slowing down your breath is one of those easy, simple strategies to boost your mood that seems too easy and simple to work. But it does. Because the first thing we do, as a sort of knee-jerk reaction, when we are stressed is speed up our breathing, and start breathing from the chest instead of the diaphragm, which supplies more oxygen to our brain cells. I use the most basic of breathing exercises called the “Four Step” method. You don’t have to do anything but count to four as you breathe in, count to four holding your breath, count to four breathing out, and count to four while resting. Then do it again. If you were unable to follow that, you might want to make an appointment with a professional. If that doesn’t, you know, stress you out.
4. Watch the Inner Critic
You know the little Elf on the Shelf that comes out every holiday season and moves about the house before breakfast each morning? He is supposed to overhear conversations of holiday gift lists, etc. so that he can report back to Santa. Yeah, well, during the holidays, another little guy comes out, too, and he is called the Inner Critic. However, unlike the Little Elf, this twerp is invisible and resides somewhere in the gray mater of your brain. He likes to convince you that you are lazy, weak, stupid, unlovable, ugly, unsuccessful, and basically every other insult you have called yourself over the years. There is no rationale behind his statements. He just likes to make you feel insecure. And he does a great job of it during the holidays. This is his season! But if you watch out for him, and identify his voice before you go one believing his lies, you will save a bit of the self-esteem and confidence you will need to get through your holiday get-togethers.
5. Prepare for idiots
Just as there exists an Inner Critic inside all of us, there also exists idiots outside of us. I’m poking fun a little, but this is a universal truth, and the truth shall ultimately set you free, or at least help you defend yourself this holiday season. If you can identify the idiots, you can brace yourself for their unintentional (or intentional) attacks. In my piece, “The Idiot’s Guide to Dealing With Idiots,” I give a few pointers on how to manage interactions with folks lacking the open-mindedness, intelligence, or empathy needed for a healthy conversation. I like to envision myself in a bubble, protected from any toxin trying to penetrate my being. I also allow time for recovery after seeing an idiot, because chances are good that I will need to do something that reminds me that her assessment of me isn’t accurate.
6. Be sure to laugh
Laughing is as important as eating lots of salmon and spinach (rich in Omega-3 fatty acids that my brain needs) and regular exercise. Humor is a powerful healing element for me (and I surmise for everyone) because it allows me to see a situation from the right perspective. That is why I make sure and post fun stuff on Beyond Blue during December that has the potential to invoke some harsh comments from folks that really need a better sense of humor: The 12 Bipolar Days of ChristmasChristmas Carols and Disorders, and The Dysfunctional Holiday Letter. Let’s face it: If you are not laughing at a holiday letter that discusses at length the successful potty training of triplets or a best-selling memoir composed at the top of Mount Everest, then you are losing out on some great holiday fun.
7. Spot holiday thinking
So we have now identified the Inner Critic and the idiot, losers that can make you grit your teeth every time you hear a Christmas carol. There is a third enemy that is part of the Holiday Axis of Evil: stinking holiday thinking. Related to the other two bad boys, this kind of thinking surfaces during the month of December to sabotage your holiday spirit. However, knowing how to untwist the distorted thinking will release you from its negative energy.
Dr. David Burns names ten forms of distorted thinking in his bestseller“Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.” My favorites are black and white thinking, jumping to conclusions, mindreading, overgeneralization, and saying “should” WAY too much. (“I SHOULD bake Christmas cookies for the whole neighborhood like Mrs. Johnson does every year.”)
Burns offers 15 techniques to untwist the distortions. The most helpful for me is to “record the evidence,” an exercise in documenting how things really are, not how they seem to be in one of your insecure moments.
8. Acknowledge the loneliness
For some reason, it seems like most deaths or break-ups happen around the holidays. So the memories of losing a loved one also fall around December. The sense of loss and loneliness can be overwhelming at this time because every few feet you run into a holiday advertisement gracing a couple wrapped in each other’s arms — wide, Colgate smiles — with an angelic baby, adorable puppy, or exquisite diamond necklace in the picture. For anyone estranged in anyway from a significant other or loved ones, this can pour salt in very fresh wounds.
I don’t have any quick tips for this one. But I do take some solace in knowing that everyone — well, except for the idiots — suffer, in some way, from loneliness or loss around the holidays. Just as it is a season of celebrating the many gifts in our lives, it also can be a time that calls to mind what pains us. And just knowing that I’m not alone in that cycle… well, it gives me peace.