The D Vs the D

You have all heard of denial and that in most cases it is not good for your mental health to be adherent. Denial is a defense mechanism designed to help you avoid or process at your own pace new, scary, difficult or overwhelming information about yourself or a certain situation. This can be ok as it serves as a buffer to process these things, as you are able. For instance you may receive a diagnosis of depression or bipolar depression that may feel like too much to think about right then, say nothing about formulate a plan to address it.

This is an example of immediate denial and as stated before that can be ok. Long-term denial of problems that are obvious to others is a different story, and that is the type that usually harms you to some degree. Missing work due to drinking too much, isolating yourself due to depression or fears of going out and making excuses about “just being tired” or “too busy” are examples of this. When combined with behaviors designed to perpetuate the excuses, it becomes a lifestyle before you know it. But not a healthy, fun and creative lifestyle, rather one based in fear and unsuccessful attempts at control. A life that at any moment can spiral out of control.

Dysfunctional families are often seething pits of denial, carrying many generations of emotional baggage forward that goes unaddressed and causes major unhappiness for family members. There may be a sophisticated group of evasive behaviors in place to allow family members not to have to deal with the real problems. You know somewhere inside there is something wrong. It does not have to stay this way, armed with the right tools and the right help you can break free from these unhealthy cycles.

In my previous post on self-soothing, I talk about how to help yourself feel better, calm yourself and become mindful of what is going on with you.  Having these skills in your emotional toolbox can enable you to deal with uncomfortable information about yourself and make headway on seeking the proper help.

A specific skill I discuss is the ability to distract yourself, and I have been frequently asked whether that is just another form of denial. It is not.  Distracting yourself is a deliberate behavior you employ to feel better for the time being. It frees up your mind for a bit and can help break the cycles of rumination that get you nowhere. It allows your brain a breather. It can also allow your whole body a breather as your physiological processes get unbalanced when you are constantly stressed. Your thoughts bring about this stress so allowing your thoughts to wander to something more pleasant is not being in denial, it is helping yourself.

If you are in one bad relationship after another, always choosing the “wrong” person and you don’t stop to take a look at what is going on then you are most likely in denial. There is something going on with you, most likely a self-esteem problem, attachment issue or even unresolved trauma from abuse. Others around you can probably see it and may have mentioned it to you, but you may continue to blame the “wrong” people that you have involved yourself with, seeing it as their problem, not yours. Nevertheless, somewhere down deep you know there is a problem.

If you go to a therapist, receive help and insight into your issues but need a break from processing it all so you go skiing, that is a distraction. If you are given therapeutic homework and it becomes too painful or overwhelming so you turn on the TV, that is also a distraction and that is fine. It does not mean you are going into denial. If however, you put the homework away for good and never go back to the therapist, you probably have retreated into denial.

Having the arsenal of self-soothing techniques available to you is the key to keeping you moving forward through difficult issues in your life. Adding these is a better solution than adding behaviors designed to hide, dodge or isolate yourself and your behaviors. One gives you a quality of life you deserve and create constructively; the other clearly brings more distress, loneliness and negativity.

So if you have a difficult issue to face, bone up on your self-soothing abilities, find things that will distract you in a positive way when called upon, form a social support system and dive in, life is too short to allow dysfunctional issues to get in the way of  the life you want.

In case you may have been taught dysfunctional thought patterns that are keeping you depressed, anxious or unable to break free from problematic behaviors, please visit Dr. Losito at Hand of Compassion for further assistance.

How to Recommend Counseling

We all have experienced stress, anxiety, depression, grief or relationship problems at some point in our lives, right. Many of us have friends or loved ones who are suffering right now and could benefit from therapy. Nevertheless, how do we tell them to go to therapy?

Telling someone they need therapy can come off very offensive. Therapy itself is still a sensitive issue to talk about. Suggesting to a loved one or friend they need therapy can make them feel as if they are being criticized.

Six Ways to Recommend Therapy:

​Say something sooner than later – try to prevent a larger issue or a full-blown crisis from arising. Avoid minimizing the issue or hoping the problem will go away on its own.

Normalize therapy – you can disclose how you have benefited from therapy. If you have not gone to therapy yourself, express empathy by saying something like, “I see how stressed you are with everything going on right now and you deserve real support beyond our conversations. Have you thought about seeing a therapist for help?”

Do not judge – admitting you need therapy can be hard on its own. Do not diagnose; leave it to the experts. Say something like, “I notice that you don't seem like yourself. I care about you and think a therapist can help you.”

Be reassuring – let them know therapy does not have to be long term for it to be very effective in resolving their issues. Assure them they can find a compassionate, supportive and objective therapist that will provide the insight and tools to empower them professionally and professionally.

Be resourceful – be prepared to share where they can go to find psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. Psychology Today, many local hospitals and Community Mental Health Centers provide quality and affordable outpatient counseling services, and if they are employed, ask them to check their insurance card or contact HR to inquire about Employee Assistance Program (EAP) benefits. In addition, many schools and Universities offer free or low-cost services. There are also online therapy options such as Open Path for persons from low-income status. Go to openpathcollective.org/ to learn more.

Be supportive – offer to go with them to their first 12 step-program, therapy session or pay for it. If the situation is very serious, consider an intervention or hiring an interventionist. In case of an emergency, always dial 911 or take them to their local emergency room for an evaluation.

Do not let your loved one or friend suffer in silence. Express to them that therapy is not replacing the relationship. If they decide to not go to therapy, you did your part. If the relationship is becoming harmful to you, reevaluate your boundaries with them. You might want to examine if the relationship is worth continuing. We all can benefit from therapy!