Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Financial Responsibilities during the Holidays.


Money is a major stressor. In fact, finances top the list as the biggest source of holiday strain, according to a recent Mental Health America survey. And it makes sense.
Take gift-giving, for instance. “Holiday gift giving is often a very public event, fraught with comparisons, excitement, and disappointment,” said Jonathan Rich, Ph.D., psychologist and author ofThe Couple’s Guide to Love & Money. Pricey presents tend to disappoint less, he said. “So we often go way over budget because it’s such a pleasure to give a thrilling gift and so distressing to give a gift that disappoints.”
Overspending for the holidays can leave you super stressed, in debt and pinching your pennies on the more important things. But you don’t have to feel like a slave to Santa’s wish list. Below are 10 ideas to help you reduce your spending, create a budget and fret less about your finances.
1. Set a budget.
Setting a budget for the holiday season is a good starting point for keeping expenses at bay. Remember that holiday spending is “just part of your larger financial plan,” Rich said. And “your holiday budget needs to be a portion of your discretionary income.”
Some debt may be inevitable, Rich said, but keep it in perspective. “Don’t jeopardize [your children’s] college fund to get the latest and coolest expensive toys.”
2. Have an easy way to track expenses.
There are many methods for recording your expenses. The best systems are the ones that work well for you. “Some people use envelopes that they fill with cash for various discretionary expenses during the month,” Rich said. “Others are more comfortable with software that tracks spending and expenses.”
3. Be realistic.
Many people try going cold turkey with their spending. But deprivation often backfires—and sometimes in a big way. Instead, Rich suggests readers allow for “occasional indulgences so that you don’t become frustrated or go on a spending binge.”
4. Create and regularly review financial goals.
Having short- and long-term goals is key to smart spending, Rich said. If your priorities are fuzzy, how do you know when to save, spend or splurge? Plus, a lack of financial priorities makes budgeting pointless. “Without concrete and desirable goals, a budget is just drudgery,” Rich said.
He explained that your short-term goals might be anything from buying an “electronic gizmo you have always wanted” to “taking a vacation.” Long-term goals might be saving for retirement or a down payment.
5. Identify your values.
In order to budget effectively, it’s important to carefully and thoughtfully consider your personal values. What matters to you most? Do you have a hobby or two that you’d like to spend some money on? Do you want to donate to your church or a favorite cause? Is it important for your kids to attend private school, play the piano or take tennis lessons at a particular academy?
Without principles to give you perspective, you’re more susceptible to financial setbacks. As Rich said, “if all you are doing is budgeting, you are destined for a financial “’relapse.’”
“Overspending to impress your friends and neighbors is a short-lived pleasure. Under-spending so that you work less and have more time to be with family and doing other activities that you enjoy has more potential for generating long-term happiness,” he said.
6. Don’t forget the true meaning of the holidays.
While it’s obvious, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the holiday hoopla and forget that this season goes beyond gifts, fancy decorations and lavish parties. “The holidays are a time when families come together and celebrate their common cultural and religious traditions,” and these moments provide priceless opportunities to reconnect, Rich said.
“It is a time to let go of resentments, appreciate the people in your life, and reach out to people that are less fortunate. It is a time to appreciate spirituality, eternity, and to regain a sense of perspective.”
He also gave several examples of meaningful experiences (which don’t cost a thing!): “reading or watching holiday stories or scripture, baking holiday treats, singing carols and hymns, putting on plays, making decorations, and giving time to a charity.”
7. Have a plan.
As you shop, it’s tempting to toss your budget rules and buy what you see. The best way to prevent a shopping mutiny is to have a plan. Master Certified life and career coach Kristin Taliaferro recommended readers make a list of everyone you’re purchasing presents for, along with how much you plan to spend. Then add up the total. “If you can live with that number, great; if not, make some cuts,” she said.
8. Only buy stuff on sale.
“Make it a rule to only purchase items on sale or with a coupon or don’t buy it,” Taliaferro said. While you might have to adjust your gift ideas, you’ll end up saving money, she said. Taliaferro also offered a great tip for finding coupons: “If there’s a retailer you like, Google their name and the word ‘coupon’ and the current month and year.”
9. Find what works for you.
When spending smart, the real secret is to find solutions that work successfully for you and your family. For instance, Taliaferro suggested carrying cash to shrink spending, which is an effective budgeting tool for many people. “The advantage is that it provides a convenient way to track what you have spent and how much you have left,” Rich said. Shopping online? “Consider buying a VISA gift card now for yourself,” Taliaferro said. “If all else fails, hide your credit cards until January.”
By using cash (or gift cards), the theory is that when the money runs out, you’re done shopping—that’s if you don’t run to the ATM to restock “to buy ‘just one more thing,” Rich said. So this may not work for everyone in curbing spending. It doesn’t for Rich. “If I have a wad of cash, I find myself going through it quickly.”
10. Take it easy.
As Rich said, “Make financial decisions around the holidays that you can live with, but then do your best to put financial thoughts and worries aside.” These concerns only spike your stress level and make you lose sight of the holidays. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

We can transform our thoughts.


How many people have you met or heard of who have experienced a loss in their life? As human beings, we are not strangers to loss. Loss is a major life change that we encounter across the lifespan. We experience the losses of people and pets we care about, but we also experience many symbolic losses, as well (Walsh-Burke, 2006). These can include the loss of our identity as parents and caregivers when our children leave home; the loss of our self-worth as a provider if we are fired from our job or retire; and the regret of not experiencing the things that we believe could have been, but never were. Essentially, they represent something more than what is actually lost.

Regardless, loss is something that we work with often in counseling. One thing we can be certain of is that loss is universal and comes in many shapes and sizes.


What Is Complicated Grief?

Grief can look different depending on the individual doing the grieving. There is no set or “normal” time period for grieving, or fixed way of grieving for that matter. Each of us grieves as a result of the unique, subjective, contexts from which we come. According to Walsh-Burke (2006), traditionally, grief can be described as “the emotional, psychological, and physical reactions to loss” (p. 29).

According to Walsh-Burke (2006), complicated, problematic grieving can be characterized as “prolonged distress after the loss has occurred” (p. 49). Often, this type of grief will persist regardless of the amount of support that the individual receives from others (Walsh-Burke, 2006). Individuals with this type of problem will often have difficulty with their everyday functioning due to their grief. For example, making it through an entire school day or work day can be difficult for them; focusing on tasks that they once did with ease can become impaired; relationships can suffer; feelings of hopelessness can ensue; and depression can result.


How Our Thinking Influences How We Feel

I am a practitioner of Bereavement and Grief Losses. I cannot tell you how many times how, after experiencing a loss and meeting with me for counseling, many of my clients have said to me: “Dr. Nicholas, I understand that you are saying that I can change how I think about this loss, but how else am I supposed to feel about it?”   This can be a problem-inducing belief: the belief that it is possible to feel only sadness after a loss. Many of my clients believe that they should feel sad or depressed after a loss because it is the “proper” or “correct” thing to do. By no means would I ever hope for a client to be happy with losing a job, pet, or loved one, but I do believe that we can alleviate problematic thinking that contributes to feelings of hopelessness and despair, thus easing an individual’s pain.

When a client’s grief becomes complicated, their underlying belief is that it is wrong to go on with living their lives, or to be happy at all for that matter, after experiencing a loss. Essentially, they believe: “I must continue to react to this situation with sadness. Doing anything else would make me a bad person;” “How can I be happy after losing my job? That would not be normal. How can I move on when I am this depressed?;” “I regret…;” or “I can’t be happy after my children have left the nest. I no longer have a purpose.” These types of responses come in many shapes and sizes and are often colored by an individual’s unique, subjective experiences and thought processes. Are these the types of responses that people you know have had after a loss? Maybe you have even had some thoughts like this yourself during your time of grieving.


What You Can Do To Feel Better

Here is a well-kept secret that not many people acknowledge: We are in control of how we respond to a situation. It is merely a matter of changing our thinking about that situation which will, in turn, change how we feel about it. A situation does not make us feel the ways in which we do. It is our thinking, however, that makes us feel how we do about a situation. Restructuring one’s thoughts about a loss can be immensely beneficial to alleviating complicated grief responses.

1. Establish a pattern in your thinking. What irrational thoughts and beliefs do you notice are causing you trouble? Which thoughts and beliefs are fueling your unhappiness?

2. Engage in thought-stopping. Each time this thought or belief about your loss enters your head, silently scream “STOP!” to yourself.

3. Restructure/replace irrational thoughts and beliefs. Replacing irrational thoughts with more rational ones will help you to change how you are feeling about your loss. See below for some examples. This should come immediately after thought-stopping.

4. Put these techniques into practice. Practice employing thought-stopping, immediately following it with your new, rational thoughts every day.
For an example, the irrational belief that “I can never be happy again because my loved one passed away” can be broken down into “I am sad that my loved one died, but moving on with my life and doing things that make me happy does not mean that I do not love this person anymore.”
Another helpful, rational, replacement belief could be “Going out with my friends and smiling and laughing does not mean that I have forgotten my loved one or that I disrespect them. I can remember them and respect them all the while. Maybe today I will practice going out and being happy.”

The irrational belief of “I have no purpose now that my children have left the home” can be broken down into “One of my life roles has changed, but I still have a purpose in my work and numerous other aspects of my life. Being a parent is not my only purposeful role in life, and I can be happy about many other things. Today I might try focusing on one of my other purposes.”
The belief of “I regret not doing so-and-so with/for this person” can be broken down into “Although I missed out on doing this one thing I would have liked to have done with/for this person, there were many positive and lasting memories that I made with him or her.”

Lastly, the irrational belief of “I lost my job and I can’t be happy again” can be restructured to look like “Although I lost my job and I’m not happy about it, there are many other things that I could picture myself happily doing to earn money. There is not only one set thing for me to do with my life.  Maybe I can start searching today.”

As you can see, with new views and thinking about a given situation, the way one feels will change. Thus, a change in perception changes the way we feel and behave. It is merely a matter of breaking down the beliefs that you currently hold and replacing them with new, rational, realistic ones. With a bit of practice, you can engage in self-counseling with these techniques. Each time an old belief pops into your head, silently scream “STOP!” to yourself and replace it with one of your new thoughts.
Although changing your thinking will require some work, as it does with anything, practice makes me perfect! Practice these new thoughts every chance you get!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A Poem written by a New Yorker

i would write if I could
i would put down lovely prose
but no that is for the greats
one of which i am not
or ever will be
i am a fallen star dying
alone in a dark place
a place where no one ever enters
i hear the laughs far away
i see the fun i watch the lovers
families play tunes to gossip
they disregard the spirits
it is nature it is Gods law
there is nothing anyone can do
it is meant to be
the multitudes play as others lay to waste
the crumbs were thrown to the beggar
he died a tragic death
the king died soon
and found they had traded places
and that is the only hope for the hopeless

~jeAni~