Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving to Advent

When we were in our early 20s, a friend of mine called it “the day of thanks:” Thanksgiving dinner at 2:00 at her mother’s house, another full holiday meal at his mother’s at 6:00. Each mother was widowed and couldn’t bear the idea of celebrating any holiday without one of her kids. And each kid, now young adult, couldn't bear being the one that would disappoint mother. So, at each house, the young couple felt obliged to eat enthusiastically and almost to pretend that the other family didn't exist. In December, they went through it again, this time in the form of painful negotiations about whose house got them first for Christmas. 

After all the Turkey has been clean, cut, and make into soup. The preparation of Advent is a the key to proceeding to the Birth of Christ our God. Advent is when we all prepare how we will be during the season of 'Glad Tidings,  & Comfort and Joy." From the preparation of the Birth of Christ will prohibit any toxicity and discomfort of everything we are expected to be and do. Christ our God Is the Only 1 that permanently release each one of from anxieties and toxicity from our existence. 

Every year, I watch the issues around the turkey trail come up for friends and clients alike as the holiday season approaches. Some families manage to find creative solutions that really work. Other families are so painfully fair about who goes where, that everyone ends up feeling vaguely guilty and unhappy no matter what they do. Still others greet every November with new dread as they try to figure out what to do this year. What’s really going on?

Often enough, the problem is a developmental issue that people don’t have a name for or a friendly way to understand. Marriage, then the arrival of grandchildren, marks an important shift in primary loyalty from the family in which we grew up to the new family unit.

Negotiating Change

The negotiations about where and how we spend which holidays is an important exercise in establishing who we are in relation to each other as a couple and what roles we take in relation to our extended families. Done well, these negotiations lead to comfortable, healthy relationships among all family members. Done badly, there’s a price: The new family may not develop a strong enough identity to sustain it through hard times. Tension stays between the generations, coloring every family event. Where people spend each holiday can become a point scored in a painful contest of loyalties.
The issue often comes to a head when the new family has children in the preschool years. 

There comes a time when it becomes very clear that it is just too difficult to pack up the kids, the kid paraphernalia, the gifts, and the contribution to the holiday dinner — all to make the sojourn “home” for the holidays. It becomes important for the new family to stop rushing to get somewhere else and to let themselves enjoy a leisurely Christmas morning or first Hanukkah night, to let the children enjoy the gifts they have just received, and to let the adults relax. In the natural evolution of a family, “home” is no longer where the parents lived as children. “Home” is right here.

Some families make this natural process so unnecessarily painful. The older generation feels rejected, unappreciated, and angry. The younger generation feels pressured, guilty, and resentful. Because they don’t recognize that what is going on is a healthy shift in family loyalties, people start pushing at each other in hurtful ways. Sometimes awful things get said as the young family begins to try to establish their own traditions and the older generation tries to hold on to what is familiar. The family eventually does reconfigure, but the sting of how it was done shadows the holiday season for years.

Reducing Family Tensions

It doesn't have to be this way. When the source of family tension is such a developmental shift, my job as a therapist and educator is to help the various family members understand that lying beneath all their emotions of anxiety, anger, fear, and general upset is a perfectly normal and useful stage. We can then work together to figure out how to renegotiate what has always been to what is needed now.

The older generation can be enormously helpful in this process by sharing memories of how hard the same shift was when they were young and by giving a kind of permission for the new family to begin to make their own traditions. When the older folks take the pressure off in a loving, non-manipulative way, adult children are more likely, not less, to include their parents’ needs in the equation. The younger generation can help by appreciating how difficult the change can be for the older folks who are dealing with their own issues of loss. Further, adult children need to be mindful that the same issue will confront them someday from the other side. How they manage it now is a model for their own children as they grow. When the generations try out new solutions together, the issue becomes a problem that everyone is working on instead of a painful process of push-and-pull.

It almost doesn't matter what a family comes up with as a solution to the turkey trail. What matters is that people feel loved, included in the process, and involved in making the whole thing work for everyone at least some of the time. Many families do this without benefit of professional help. But sometimes calling in a family therapist, a trusted family friend, a Priest or Dr. Nicholas Losito,Ph.D,  can help people manage their feelings and find new ways to cooperate. Whatever route people choose, working through the holiday dilemma in a way that leaves everyone feeling loved and secure in their family relationships is a lasting and wonderful gift for all involved.

Hear Your Thoughts and Feelings During the Holy Days.


Unless you have the disposition of one of Santa’s elves, you probably are like the rest of us and secretly dread some of the social obligations and anticipated interactions of the holiday season.   One ought to start to prepare for the Greatest  day of all year. The Greatest day of the year is the Birth of Christ, our God.  Sunday December 1, 2013 is the start of Advent.  

Meditation of how the Holy Family conquered the perils of life prior to the birth of Christ our God. When everyone meditates on these perils you will be more confident to break away from any anxieties during this most strengthen part of human life.


You might be bracing yourself for dreaded questions from people you haven’t seen since last year’s cookie exchange, such as, “So, what happened with your job? Were you let go??,” “You must be so sad about your ex. Haven’t you found anybody aelse yet, huh?”, “Wow. Do you like your hair that short?” or, “Oh…You’re going to have more pie?”

Along with jiggle bells, the holidays bring tremendous pressure to be “on” with little room for reprieve.This is a recipe for yuletide social anxiety.  Social anxiety occurs when we project our own self-loathing onto others and imagine that is the way they feel about us.  Usually, this is an unconscious process that leaves us feeling uncomfortable, inadequate, and annoyed. We may believe the source of our poor feelings is the judgement is others. Truthfully, nobody can make us feel badly about ourselves without our permission.


After nearly 18 years of counseling people through the holidays safely into the New Year, I recommend the following:
  1. Calibrate your expectations to zero. Appreciate the power of self-fulfilling prophecy and don’t entertain thoughts of a cringeworthy Kwanza or you will be increasing the likelihood that things will play out exactly that way. Don’t imagine a Norman Rockwell Christmas or you will be setting yourself up for disappointment. Expect neither bad nor good, and accept things as they come.
  2. Understand that no matter how things unfold, you are fine.Whether New Year’s Eve is a blast or a bust, things are exactly as they should be an you are perfectly fine and lovable just the same. You holiday antics are HOW things are, not WHO you are.
  3. Remember, human beings are all pretty self-absorbed.When ruminating about the dumb things you said after your second mug of eggnog, remind yourself that nobody is paying as much attention to you as YOU. Practice self-compassion and replace the self-flagellation with  a soothing mantra, such as, “Nobody is perfect” or “I am doing the best that I can.”
  4. Silence your inner critic. We all have a voice in our head that can be meaner to us than our worst relationship. Tell that voice to put a sock in it and practice some affirmations.
  5. Detach from the toxicity of others. Recognize if somebody says something rude or insulting to you, their statement reveals more about them than you. Imagine you are separated from them by an invisible shield and all their negativity just bounces of it.
  6. Control what you can and let go of the rest. You can’t control how much Uncle Bob drinks or your dad’s temper, but you can control your choices, behaviors and actions. Set healthy boundaries for yourself (it’s okay to graciously decline some invitations, to limit duration of a visit, etc.) Take time to look your best so you feel confident. Exercise to increase endorphins (nature’s antidepressant.) Practice mindfulness techniques like deep breathing and meditation to ground yourself in the present moment. Watch your substance use as alcohol can fuel depression and anxiety.
  7. Don’t give other people the power to determine how you feel about yourself. Unplug from other people’s stuff and choose to like yourself. Or, even better, choose to LOVE yourself
At the Very Least contact Dr. Losito for any "High Touch" caring concerns for your well being throughout the Holy Days. I am here to hear your thoughts and feelings at the very minute of your contact. 





Thursday, November 21, 2013

A Nogtaglic Means During Berevement

Researchers from the University of Southampton have determined that feeling nostalgic or reminiscing about the past can increase optimism about the future.
In the study, investigators explored the concept that nostalgia or reminiscence is not merely a reflection of the past; rather, its scope extends into the future, with a positive outlook.

The research is published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
“Nostalgia is experienced frequently and virtually by everyone and we know that it can maintain psychological comfort. For example, nostalgic reverie can combat loneliness. We wanted to take that a step further and assess whether it can increase a feeling of optimism about the future,” said Tim Wildschut, Ph.D., a co-author of the study.
In one of the reported studies within the paper, the researchers asked participants to bring to mind a nostalgic event and write about it.

The number of optimistic words included in the narrative was compared to a control group who were asked to recall and write about an ordinary event. The nostalgic narratives contained a significantly higher proportion of optimistic expressions than the ordinary stories.

A further study capitalized on music’s capacity to evoke nostalgia. Participants listened to either a nostalgic or control song (which had been previously validated). Those who listened to the nostalgic song reported higher levels of optimism than those who listened to the control song.

In a final study, participants were presented with song lyrics that half the group had previously identified to be nostalgic. They were then asked to complete questions about how they felt. Those who read the personally nostalgic lyrics reported higher levels of optimism than those who read the control lyrics.

The studies also highlighted the roles of-self-esteem.  Said Wildschut: “Nostalgia raises self-esteem which in turn heightens optimism. Our findings have shown that nostalgia does have the capacity to facilitate perceptions of a more positive future.
“Memories of the past can help to maintain current feelings of self-worth and can contribute to a brighter outlook on the future. Our findings do imply that nostalgia, by promoting optimism, could help individuals cope with psychological adversity.”

10 Ways to Create a Happy Moment




imagesNo, this isn’t meant to be a cure for depression, but we all deserve a good moment. A happy moment can both break a string of negative moods, and it can also pave the way for more positive moments. Here are ten suggestions for putting ourselves in a good mood:
1) Listen to, or watch something funny. Laughter has a way of completely wiping out a negative mood.
2) Compliment people you don’t know. It’s amazing how a bit of genuine positive energy towards others can in turn make us feels good, too.

3) Laugh at yourself. We all can have a way of taking ourselves too seriously, at times. Sometimes just poking a little fun at ourselves with a little perspective can lighten us up.
4) Regress. Remember what it’s like to be a child? Don’t just sadly reminisce of the past, do something that takes you back to your childhood. Ride the go-karts, play kick ball, do an art project, ride a scooter, go on a scavenger hunt, go on the swings, etc. Allow yourself to be an eight-year old in an adult body.
5) Hold a baby. Another of nature’s wonders. Somehow holding a baby — anyone’s baby (as long as you have the parents’ permission!) — can make things seem so simple. For a moment, it’s possible to forget our troubles and retreat to the innocence of infancy.
6) Create a playlist of happy songs. Whichever songs are happy for you, have the playlist ready to go for when you could use a boost. Try to include songs from various positive points in your life, if possible.
7) Spend time in nature. Granted, not everybody may love the outdoors, but removing oneself from the indoor environment into fresh air can lift our moods. Whether you prefer to be around mountains, trees, lakes, deserts, beaches, etc., find a place that can change the environment and bring you some peace.
8) Treat yourself. Be careful with this one, especially if you’re someone who habitually spends and shops. This is more for people who tend to live lives of restraint. The point of this isn’t to go on a spree, as much as it’s to treat yourself to something you usually wouldn’t. This could be something as simple as an ice cream sundae, or allowing yourself to do an activity you may not usually do. Occasionally allowing ourselves a little bit of freedom for a treat is necessary so we don’t collapse under the weight of restraint.
9) Take a bath (or spend time in a jacuzzi). This is a often a great mood changer, especially if coming from a state of stress or anger. A warm bath can draw the blood flow away from the head and distribute it throughout the body, leading to both physical and mental relaxation (also can be good for stress headache relief).
10) Create your own joke or limerick. While this could fit in with “regression”, this gets its own mention because if you can make yourself laugh, you’re having a happy moment. Feel free to get crude and childish with your joke or limerick. No one has to appreciate it but you.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

After Divorce: 8 Tips for Reinventing Yourself

Everyone's divorce story is different. Maybe you had been married for decades, maybe just a year or so. Maybe you have children, maybe you don't. Maybe the divorce was your idea and maybe it was your partner's, or maybe you both agreed that separation was best. Maybe you're relieved, maybe you're heartbroken -- or a bit of both.


1. Let yourself mourn.


Nobody gets married thinking, "I sure hope we can get divorced someday!" Even if, by the time you split, the divorce was something you wanted, a divorce still represents a loss.

"Whatever your marriage and divorce experience has been, there will be emotions that have to do with grief" says psychotherapist Florence Falk, PhD, MSW, author of On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone.

"You may feel remorse for what you did or didn't do, or wonder what you did wrong. Don't dwell on those feelings, but make room for them," Falk says. "Loss is loss. There is an empty space where something once filled it up, even if that something may not have been desirable."

2. Work through your feelings.

Don't tote that heavy baggage from your previous relationship into your new life. Find a way to work through the lingering emotions from the demise of your marriage, advises psychologist Robert Alberti, PhD, co-author of Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.

That may mean talking out your feelings with a therapist or focusing your energy in a healthy activity you enjoy. "It's common to sweep these emotions under the table, but you have to work through them or they'll pollute your life going forward," Alberti says.

If you find yourself resisting the idea of therapy, you might want to keep in mind that therapy doesn't mean you have a problem or that you're in crisis. It can be a way to work toward a better life, with someone who has no agenda but YOU.

3. Learn to like yourself.That may sound cheesy and New Age-y. But the fact is that many people feel a lot of self-rejection after a divorce.

"You might think that there must be something wrong with you if you couldn't make this relationship work," Alberti says. "You have to work on getting confidence and faith in yourself and ability to believe in your own worth."

This is also something you could pursue in therapy, or through Tip No. 4:


4. Rediscover who you used to be.


Especially if you were married for a long time, you may have given up a lot of the things you enjoyed as a single person because they didn't fit with your "couplehood."

Maybe you loved to go out, but your spouse was a homebody. Maybe you always loved going to the theater but your husband hated it.

"What were your hobbies and activities before the marriage? What did you defer in favor of the relationship?" Alberti asks. "Exercising your interest in those again is important to rebuilding yourself."

5. Discover a new side of yourself.


The life-changing period of divorce, though often difficult and unwelcome, holds a silver lining: to shake things up and try on a new lifestyle.

Maybe it's as simple as a pixie haircut after a lifetime of wearing long, flowing locks. Maybe it's trying a new sport, considering a different place of worship, or going back to college. Maybe you realize that you'd like to move to a new city or even spend a year living in Paris.

Of course, you can't just flit away and throw caution to the wind. Chances are, you have some very real considerations -- kids (if you're a parent), a job, and a budget (which may have been hurt by the divorce).

But chances also are that although you might not be able to do whatever your fantasy is, there may be other changes that ARE within your reach. So don't reject the idea of any change, just because you can't make every change.

"As long as the changes you make are healthy and constructive, these are very appropriate," says Alberti. "Think about who you want to be -- the person you were before the marriage, or maybe a new person? What are some of the things you can do differently?"

Look for changes you can say yes to, instead of dwelling on what's out of reach.

6. Dare to be alone.


Being alone doesn't mean being isolated and never seeing anyone. It just means not being coupled up, or in a rush to do so.

Society is much more accepting of singles than even a decade ago, when solo restaurant diners often got the hairy eyeball.

"There are more than 30 million people living alone in this country today," Falk says. "That's a lot of people, and there are a lot of opportunities for social connection. There are possibilities to pick up new friends and enter different kinds of groups that have to do with your interests. The social dimension after a divorce can be very rich."

7. Consider transitional relationships.


This isn't about rebounding. It's about considering dating (once you feel ready) outside your comfort zone -- someone who's not your type -- without thinking that it has to head toward a permanent relationship.

"For example, maybe you've always dated people from a certain socioeconomic background," Alberti says. "Or perhaps you always preferred sensitive musicians, or athletes, or the quiet, shy type. Turn your usual preferences inside out and stretch your dating horizons a bit."


8. Embrace your new roles.


Especially if you were coupled up for a long time, your partner probably handled certain aspects of life while you managed others. Now it's all up to you. And it's not likely to go perfectly, but that's OK.

"If your partner was always the one responsible for the money -- earning it, managing it, investing it -- suddenly you have a whole new realm of learning and responsibility," Alberti says. "Dealing with those can give you confidence in your own ability."

You don't have to figure it all out yourself. Look for help.

"Even if you make mistakes, like paying too much for a car, you can learn from that experience," Alberti says. "Mistakes give you life skills and teach you that you can handle being alone."