Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Bereavement Therapy


Grief and Bereavement

Grief is a natural response to loss. The degree of attachment to that which has been lost will determine the level of grief experienced. Thus, we grieve deeply for those we love, including our pets. We find it difficult to readjust following divorce. When experiencing trauma that changes our lives and circumstances, we grieve the loss of our old life. Given the right skills we can allow this process of grief to move through us. Unskilled as we are in our culture we become stuck, unaware of how we are meant to experience the sadness, and depth of emotion welling up within us.
You may find yourself thinking you are going crazy, friends and relatives telling you how you should be, work asking you to get back to normal! This is not possible, grief changes us, we are forever changed by our experience, and it does not have to be negative. Finding our own inner resources and understanding our emotional requirements during this time can empower us to transform the grief experience into wisdom and understanding of ourselves and those we love. We can find peace in the joy of life and the nature of Being, once we embrace the depth of our emotion, and flow with the grieving process.

“Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms,
you would never see the beauty of their carvings.”

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD

Grief Therapy and Bereavement Therapy

Using rituals and ceremony can help us. Time does not exist for the griever. There is no time frame for grieving. However, if you are feeling deeply depressed for a long period of time after the death of a loved one (6 months on) seek help and medical advice. You may have clinical depression and need some short term intervention. There is a difference between grieving and depression. It is normal to have bouts of deep sadness, crying and feelings of intense loneliness following the loss of a loved one. You may not want to get out of bed or face the world. Often these feelings can kick in after every one else is expecting us to be OK. After the funeral when friends and family have gone back to their lives and you are left with your feelings and loneliness, is when help is most needed. Help can come from someone who has been through the experience, and truly understands the nature of grief and grieving. A good friend, someone who will listen and not give advice, someone to offer a soft place to fall. Someone who ‘gets it’, without you having to explain.

Pre- Bereavement Thoughts.

Pre- Bereavement occurs when you know there will be a loss, but it has not yet occurred. This is what happens when a loved one is dying, and both the patient and their loved ones have time to prepare. Pre-Bereavement is both the easiest and the hardest kind of loss to experience. It is marked by “stop and go” signals. With these losses, the handwriting is on the wall... but it doesn’t make coping with it easier.

Because you have time to prepare, you can begin to envision and rehearse your life without the person who is dying.  This gift of time offers the opportunity to resolve any regrets you may have with or about your loved one.  You can take this time to make amends with your loved one, and to tell him or her how you feel about them. Your loved one can do the same with you, and other family members.  You can let go of anger or guilt.  You also have the chance for delicate conversations about such sensitive topics as death, end of life wishes, as one transitions right into bereavement. You also have an opportunity to get information about your family.

One obvious drawback to pre-bereavement is witnessing your loved one’s struggle with death.  As the loved one’s condition worsens, you may grieve with each downturn.  You may experience feeling a sense of helplessness as your loved one fights for life.  You may feel as if you are living with a pit in your stomach that won’t go away as you await death’s arrival.  In addition, sometimes when people are facing death, their own fear, pain, or anger may make their personality seem to change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde overnight or even from one moment to the next.  In my own case, when five-way by pass to my father's heart, he became angered and for a time was isolated from me.  This was devastating to me. Thank goodness, his behavior did not last until the end of her life, and he regained her normal personality.  But for some families, the ones we love continue to have behavioral changes as they face the end of life. This can be challenging, and healthcare professionals such as hospice workers or counselors may be able to help.

Perhaps the most difficult challenge with pre-bereavement is that it is difficult to tolerate living in a state of emergency for an extended period of time.  The mind can only tolerate so much angst.   When a loved one is dying, the “emergency” and angst period may seem to last forever.  You do not want your loved one’s death to come more quickly, yet your mind may not be able to handle any prolongation.  Your mind may blank out self-protectively.

But eventually, a reminder or a new episode with the loved one sets off the bereavement again.  Here, intense bereavement comes in waves alternating with times of numbness.  These “stop and go” signals allow you to shut down emotionally.  This insulates you before the next event occurs.  Then, your bereavement begins anew.  These flat periods can be looked at as natural, normal, and welcome respite from the agony of the loss.  They do not mean you are cold or uncaring.

Pre-Bereavement is normal.  It is an important part of coping with a loved one’s extended illness.  It prepares both you and your loved one for the end of life.  Unfortunately, it may also be an emotional roller coaster.  If you can expect that and understand that, you can help yourself cope with it.  Don’t feel guilty about anything you may be feeling.  Instead, make the best out of each moment you can spend with your loved one, and focus on the positives, such as forgiveness, settling affairs, and helping your loved one make plans for their passing.

Death and Dying Process (Alzheimer's)


During the final stages of dementia due to Alzheimer's disease, an individual may lose his/her  ability to ambulate, verbally communicate, swallow, or may become totally incontinent and continue to lose weight despite nutritional supplements.  Usually people with Alzheimer's die of another problem---perhaps a stroke, or pneumonia due to aspiration. At this point, the caregiver must be aware that the only way a person can stay alive is by inserting a stomach tube that provides artificial nutritional sustenance. Caregivers may have different feelings about this intervention for religious or personal reasons.  At the end stage of Alzheimer's the use of invasive procedures such as a stomach tube, can keep the persons alive from months to years. This important decision must be made by the family member and can create an "ethical dilemma". Families, should in no way feel pressured by a medical professional to insert life sustaining interventions.
When family members are prepared with regard to the physical process of death and dying they are more able to accept death as an inevitable and peaceful process. The recent expansion of Hospice Services has done much to promote discussions about death and acceptance of withholding end-of-life medical interventions. Once a person is terminal, as determined by a physician who understands the disease process, a caregiver may decide to engage Hospice Services.  The physician must be willing to certify that a person will die within six months. If the person does not die within six months, they are not disqualified from the program.
Hospice Services are usually provided by a local Home Health Agency. Hospice services can be provided in the home, assisted living facility as well as a skilled nursing facility. When a family signs up for Hospice Benefits they agree to forgo extreme invasive procedures and agree to support procedures that alleviate pain for the person with dementia. This is known as "palliative care" or comfort measures. At the final stage of death, water and food are withheld as the individual no longer desires this. This is a part of the natural process of dying.  
Families can anticipate the final stages of death by the various physical stages a person may be going through.  Barbara Karne, a Hospice  R.N. developed a very comprehensive booklet entitled "Gone From My Sight: The Dying Experience" which delineates the various physical stages of death and dying. To obtain a booklet, contact her at the following address: Barbara Karnes, R.N., P.O. Box 335, Stillwell, Kansas, 60085, 1995.
In Karnes' booklet she describes what occurs , one-three months prior to death, one to two weeks before death, days or hours before death, and then the final minutes. This information has been extremely helpful to families and can be summarized as follows: 
One to three months prior to death 
  • Withdrawal from world and people
  • Decreased food intake
  • Increased sleep
  • Going inside self
  • Less Communication
One to Two Weeks Prior to Death
  • Disorientation
  • Agitation
  • Talking with Unseen
  • Confusion
  • Picking at Clothes
  • Physical Changes
  • Decreased blood pressure
  • Pulse increase or decrease
  • Color changes; pale, bluish
  • Increased perspiration
  • Respiration irregularities
  • Congestion
  • Sleeping but responding
  • Complaints of body tired and heavy
  • Not eating, taking little fluids
  • Body temperature hot/cold
Days or Hours
  • Intensification of 1-2 week signs
  • Surge of energy
  • Decrease in blood pressure
  • Eyes glassy, tearing, half open
  • Irregular breathing, stop/start
  • Restlessness or no activity
  • Purplish knees, feet, hands, blotchy
  • Pulse weak and hard to fine
  • Decreased urine output
  • May wet or stool the bed
Minutes
  • Fish out of water breathing
  • Cannot be awakened

It is important that individuals be aware of their wishes and that  the wishes be formally documented in a legal document that is known as an "Advance Directive".  Each state has different instruments for these directives and the caregiver should contact the local medical facility to determine the appropriate document to be be used.  The Advance Directive delineates one's  wishes regarding medical treatment and appoints a surrogate decision-maker on a person's behalf.  Of course, the important aspect of the Advance Directive is to discuss end-of-life care before one becomes diagnosed with dementia or has an another debilitating illness. 

Sunday, January 29, 2012

A Great Message


Most of the time, when someone sends a sympathy card it is read and then discarded. Most cards contain such generic messages that they cannot really help the person feel better. They cannot be used throughout the years to bring the person who has passed back into their life. However, our bereavement verses offer people the ability to do just that. They are a memorial and a celebration of the person who has passed, along with the universal truths about life and death that help with the grieving process.

When you use Messages of Sympathy to convey your sadness over someone's loss, you will give them or yourself a product that can be used throughout the years. Our product can be instantly downloaded, so people can start to benefit from it immediately. It can then be played on the computer or on a DVD player. Our bereavement messages can be shared, or they can be kept private by the recipient.

When you use Messages of Sympathy, you will:

  • Show the recipient how much you care
  • Allow the recipient to feel hope
  • Give them a product that can apply to many situations, which will allow them to use it over and over again
Many companies use bereavement quotes that do not have a significant meaning. They are the words that people associate with grief, but they do not reach out to the deeper feelings that the grieving person is feeling. They have been overdone, as they are put into most cards and written on most flowers. However, we do not use those words. We use our own, so your loved one can truly feel cared for when they receive our product. 

Great Messages



Dealing with the death of a member of the family is an experience no one wants to face. It is one of the greatest challenges in the journey of a person’s life. Losing a loved one, due to natural or unnatural death, is difficult to swallow and at such circumstances, everyone is completely at loss as to how to act. People react to death differently. While few individuals talk too much due to their rapid transit of emotions, few roll up their emotions in their sleeves and seem cold and unaffected to others. At times like this, consoling the bereaved person or family turns out to be an uphill task. The choice of words should be such that they portray your empathy and help the bereaved person or family come out of the grief and anguish. For those of you who are at loss of words, we have for you few bereavement and sympathy messages as well as a list of those which should never be said or written.  


Messages For Bereavement
  • Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death should be a smile.
  • Never does one feel oneself as utterly helpless as in trying to speak comfort for a great bereavement. I will not try it. Time is the only comforter for the loss of someone as special as him/her.
  • Those we love don’t go away; they walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near, Still loved, still missed and very dear. Wishing you hope in the midst of sorrow, Comfort in the midst of pain.
  • Although no words can really help to ease the loss you bear, just know that you are very close in every thought and prayer. To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.
  • We pray God will comfort you, and send angels from above, giving sweet peace within your heart, surrounding you with eternal love. We are sorry for your deep loss. There’s so little we can find to say. You are in our thoughts and prayers, as we grieve with you today. With our heartfelt sympathy.
  • Life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing but the limit of our sight.
  • You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t ‘get better,’ it just gets different. Everyday grief puts on a new face.
  • Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, we will grieve not; rather find strength in what remains behind.
  • Like a bird singing in the rain, let grateful memories survive in time of sorrow.
Sympathy Messages
Sympathy messages should be kept short and simple, but should be framed as such that they express your emotions aptly. The following list of sympathy messages are ideal to be included in the bereavement cards. 
  • Let me know how I can help
  • My deepest sympathies during your time of loss
  • I am here for you
  • I am sorry for your loss
  • My thoughts and prayers are with you
  • [Name] will be dearly missed
  • [Name] is in my prayers
  • Please accept my condolences
  • With heartfelt condolences
  • With caring thoughts          
  • Peace, prayers and blessings
  • May you find peace and comfort
Bereavement Messages Not To Be Used
While you are writing a bereavement message in a sympathy card, remember not to patronize or be overtly corny. The following list of messages should be strictly avoided. 
  • Time heals all wounds
  • [Name] is in a better place now
  • I hope you feel better soon
  • This too shall pass
  • [Name] won't suffer anymore
  • Call me if you need anything
  • Tomorrow will be a better day
  • It's all for the best
  • It was his/her time to go
  • I know you miss [Name]
  • Sending happy thoughts your way

Saturday, January 21, 2012

7



 
7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. 

Friday, January 20, 2012

A Military Thought on Funeral and Burial.



Surviving spouses and dependents of honorably discharged or retired members of the U.S. military may be eligible to receive veterans death benefits. These disbursements are separate from what family members may receive of the individual's Social Security death benefits or other pensions. Because of the amount of paperwork involved, families should file for any applicable death benefits as soon as possible.

About Veterans Death Benefits

Also called Veterans Survivor's Benefits, these funds are paid directly to the family from the federal government. How much each family receives depends on the individual and how he or she died. Here are a few of the options available. A complete list can be found on the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs Web site. Information can also be found by calling (800) 827-1000. Individuals can apply for these benefits by filing form VA Form 21-534. Copies of either a marriage license or children's birth certificates should be included when filing, as well as proof of the service person's death.

This is a needs-based benefit paid to the individual's surviving spouse and children. Requirements include:Veterans Affairs Death Pension

  • Surviving spouse must not have remarried
  • Dependent children must be unmarried
  • The veteran must have received an honorable discharge
  • The deceased veteran must have served 90 days of active duty with one day being during a period of war time
  • If the individual enlisted after September 7, 1980, he or she must have served at least two years of his or her required active duty order (there are exceptions to this requirement).
  • The survivor's countable income is below the yearly limit set by Congress.

Dependency and Indemnity Compensation

Another form of death benefits is Dependency and Indemnity Compensation (DIC), which is available to eligible survivors of a:
  • Veteran whose death was from a service-related disease or injury
  • Veteran who died from non-service-related disease or injury AND who was entitled to or was receiving compensation from the VA for a service-related injury that left the individual completely disabled for at least 10 years before his or her death OR for at least one year before he or she died if the individual was a prisoner of war and who died after September 30, 1999
The benefits are given to an eligible surviving spouse who:
  • Married the veteran before January 1, 1957
  • Was married to a member of the military who died in the line of duty
  • Wed the veteran within 15 years from the time the service person was discharged because of a disease or injury that caused the individual's death or made it worse
  • Was married to a veteran for at least one year
  • Had a child with him or her AND lived with the individual until the veteran's death; if separated, was not at fault for the separation
  • Is not remarried (this is subject to exceptions; check with the VA for details)
The veterans death benefits are also available for dependent children who:
  • Not included in the surviving spouse's DIC benefits
  • Are unmarried
  • Under 18 years old OR under 23 and attending school (Exceptions are also made here)
The surviving spouse is entitled to $1,067 a month (as of January 2008), and the rate increases for each dependent child or if the spouse is disabled and needs assistance. A benefit rate table can be found on the VA Web site.

Burial Benefits

Several types of burial benefits and allowances are given to deceased, honorably discharged veterans and their families:
  • $300 reimbursement for burial expenses for a veteran if he or she was receiving a VA pension or disability benefit
  • $2,000 reimbursement if the veteran died during active duty or from a service-related injury
  • $300 burial plot allowance for the individual who was not interred at a national cemetery but received VA pension or disability benefits or died at a VA hospital or VA health-care facility
  • Transportation allowance will be reimbursed for veterans who died at a VA hospital or VA health-care facility
  • A U.S. flag
  • A headstone or marker purchased and shipped at the federal government's expense to the burial site. The application for the headstone can be filled out prior to the service person's discharge and placed with discharge papers or the family can request one on the individual's behalf
Veterans can be buried in a national cemetery such as [[Images Arlington National Cemetery|Arlington National Cemetery]] for free. This service includes the plot, a burial flag, opening and closing of the grave, care of site, government headstone and a Presidential Memorial Certificate. Veterans who wish to be cremated can also receive the same treatment as those who are buried in a national cemeo be buried in a private cemetery and may be eligible to receive certain allowances and reimbursements, but will not have their entire burial paid for by the VA. Spouses and dependents are not covered as well if burial takes place in a private cemetery.

Final Note

The VA offers many more programs for veterans and their families. Each branch of the military may also have different information specific to your needs. For example, the VA does not cover burial at sea, but the U.S. Navy Mortuary Affairs office does provide specifics about that.
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Funeral Programs


Creating a Funeral Program

Funeral programs are booklets distributed to those attending a funeral or memorial service. They commonly list basic information about the deceased, such as:
  • Full name
  • Dates of birth and death
  • Time, date and place of funeral
  • Officiant
  • Location of interment
  • Pallbearers
  • Anyone else who is publicly participating in the service
  • List of funeral songs
Additionally, families may choose to add personal elements to the program:
  • Photographs
  • Poetry
  • Surviving family members
  • Thank you note from the family
  • Artwork created for or by the deceased person
  • Biography
But trying to put all of this together -- and at times without much notice -- can be a trying task. But thanks to the Internet, you can find a free funeral program template with which you can copy and use for your booklet.

Samples of Free Funeral Program Templates

A simple Google search will return only a few free funeral program templates. However, choosing just one as an outline for your booklet may take some time:
  • Catholic Ireland has a downloadable Microsoft Word document that can be used and/or copied for a funeral Mass pamphlet.
  • Saint John Neumann Parish has a worksheet you can print out and fill in with all of the pertinent information you will need for a funeral booklet.
  • Our Lady of Victories has a template you can use to create a booklet for a funeral Mass.
  • Microsoft Office Online offers a free funeral pamphlet template.

Funeral Program Templates for Web Pages

As a living reminder of a person who has died, some individuals create a web page or website filled with all of the information that would normally be part of a funeral program. However, with a website, you have more flexibility and room to include more elements such as:
  • Videos
  • Photo slide shows
  • Poetry
  • Music
  • Spoken words
  • Blogs
  • Guestbooks
  • The ability to update as necessary
  • Opportunity to e-mail it to those who could not attend the service
If you don't know how to design a web page, but want to create this memorial, several websites offer free templates:
  • Host Gator has three templates available for download. Two are website templates, while one is an enhanced Flash template.
  • ABC Funeral Home has two styles of website templates available for download.
  • Together.ie has a guide that you can use to design a program for a Catholic funeral.
  • Free Website Templates has two memorial page templates available for free download.
  • Pet Templates has a couple of serene website templates for you to use.
If you want to spend some money on templates, here are some sites that offer that service:
  • Family Heritage Templates is designed to be used with Microsoft Publisher or Microsoft Word. Choose from a variety of designs.
  • Funeral Printer sells a package of 24 designs for $99. For use with Microsoft Publisher.
  • Basic Templates has a rather large selection of web page templates at a reasonable cost.

Final Thought

Undertaking the task of creating a funeral or memorial program can be exhausting, especially if the death is sudden and if you were close to the person who died. Don't be afraid to enlist the help of other family members or friends. And remember, to double check the spelling of everything you put either in the program or online. No one likes to have their name misspelled.

California Bereavement Laws


If you looked for information on the bereavement law for California, you probably had a difficult time finding a legal document on the books. California, like many other states, doesn't have a formal policy. However, many employers have standards in place that allow workers to take time off when a close family member dies. This leave usually includes time for individuals to prepare for, travel to/from and attend the funeral.

California Bereavement Laws

Even though California doesn't have a protocol in place, there was a time when lawmakers tried to establish one. In 2007, Senate Bill 549 was introduced by Sen. Ellen Corbett (D-San Leandro, who stated: "Without legislation providing the right to bereavement leave, an employer may legally discharge an employee for requesting or taking any leave of absence to prepare or attend the funeral of a loved one." The bill offered California employees the right to take off four unpaid days from work due to the death of a child, parent, spouse, domestic partner, sibling, grandparent or grandchild. The bill wouldn't guarantee a worker's pay for his or her time away, but it would safeguard the job.

However, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed this bill because he felt most California business owners already have standard bereavement leave policies in place and approving this legislation would add confusion. "Instead of expanding the confusing network of laws that presently exist, employers and employees should be working together to eliminate confusion and create a system of workplace laws that protect workers, provides reasonable leave requirements, and offers both employers and employees flexibility to meet their respective needs," he wrote in his veto.

What Most Employers Offer

Most business owners in California offer some sort of bereavement leave package for their employees, who typically utilize unused personal, sick and vacation time when they need to attend a funeral. However, if that time is not available, and a protocol is not in place, a worker risks losing his or her job by taking this time off.
For those companies that have bereavement leave policies in place, documentation of the loved one's death -- usually a copy of the obituary is sufficient -- may be required. Anywhere from one to four days (either paid or unpaid) is usually permitted for the following immediate family members:
  • Husband or wife
  • Domestic partner (in most cases)
  • Parent
  • Child
  • Sibling
  • Grandparent
  • Grandchild
  • Stepparent
  • Stepchild
  • Mother- or father-in-law
  • Brother- or sister-in-law
Some employers even allow a one-day leave of absence for workers to attend the funeral of non-immediate family member.

Sample Bereavement Law for California Universities

The California State University system has a very clear bereavement policy in place for its workers. It includes up to five paid days off (time allowed depends on job category within the university system) for the funeral of an immediate family member or significantly close relative. This includes two days for the funeral events and three days for travel, if the funeral is more than a 500-mile round trip. This policy is for all full- and part-time eligible employees, and the time off does not go against any personal, sick or vacation days that are accrued.

Why Employers May Not Like Bereavement Laws

Even though there aren't any federal or state bereavement leave policies in place to which California employers must adhere, most employers will allow their employees to take time off to attend a funeral. However, in some professions, this can cause a hardship for the company. For instance, if employees are allowed to take up to five days off with pay, a temporary employee may be hired or another worker may have to work overtime to make up the hours and the work. This goes for employees who use vacation, sick or personal time to attend a funeral.
That extra money used to pay for another employee has to come out of the company's bottom line. This is why some company owners do not offer bereavement leave packages or want a law passed in their state. They don't want to be required to spend the extra money.

Bereavement Leave vs. Family and Medical Leave Act

In 2004, California became the first state in the union to offer paid family leave under conditions outlined in the national Family and Medical Leave Act and the California Family Rights Act. Qualified employees receive up to six weeks of Family Temporary Disability Insurance over a one-year period to care for a family member. However, this does not cover bereavement leave. Workers can care for a family member who is dying, but once that individual passes, he or she must take bereavement leave -- paid or unpaid depending on the company. Employees in this situation should look into their company's protocol before taking the time off.

A Final Note

While there is not a bereavement law for California available, individuals applying for jobs should inquire about the company's policy ahead of time. Unfortunately, at some time in their lives, everyone will attend the funeral of a close family member . It is best to be prepared at work when this tragedy happens. Most human resources departments should have this information readily available.


Thursday, January 12, 2012

Understand Your Emotions


Identify your feelings
Sometimes after a loss, it is hard to figure out exactly what you are feeling. You may have several feelings at the same time or conflicting feelings, such as sadness and relief. Writing is a good way to identify what you are feeling. Writing about what you feel can:
  • Stimulate thinking and help you organize and analyze your thoughts.
  • Deepen your understanding of a situation and may help you get in touch with feelings you had not recognized before.
  • Prompt you to reflect on what is happening to you. This can help you put things into perspective and come to an understanding of how the changes affect your life.
When you are ready:
  • Set aside time to write.
  • Choose a private, comfortable place to do your writing.
  • Choose a method of writing. You may choose to write a letter to your loved one, for example, or a poem or story.
  • Don't worry about how well you write. Write about everyday occurrences or conversations you have had.
  • Write what you feel. Don't screen your thoughts; give yourself permission to write whatever comes to mind. Strong feelings (such as fear, anger, or frustration) may arise. Write about simple pleasures and joys you have experienced, too. If you have concerns about your strong feelings, talk with a trusted friend, member of the clergy, or mental health professional.
Accept your feelings
  • Talk with people about how you are feeling. Resist the urge to be quiet around or avoid people. If you are having trouble talking about your feelings with family members and friends, consider joining a bereavement support group.
  • Express your emotions. You may feel that this is a sign of weakness, or that you won't be able to control yourself if you show your emotions. None of these is true. However, if you are afraid that you might harm yourself or someone else if you express an emotion, talk with someone you trust, your health professional, or a mental health professional about your concerns.
  • Be patient and kind to yourself. Your feelings may be unpredictable and uncomfortable. Remind yourself that your uncomfortable feelings are expected and will fade as time goes on.
Handling difficult feelings
Each person handles emotion differently. Here are some ideas about how to deal with some of the most common feelings during the grieving process:
  • Dealing with worry and anxiety
  • Getting past feeling guilty
  • Handling feeling of insecurity
  • Handling  Over-Sensitivity
  • Handling sadness and yearning
  • Overcoming spiritual turmoil
  • Overcoming frustration and anger
Test Your Knowledge

1. A good way to deal with your feelings of emotional distress related to grief is to:


a. Express your emotions.
b. Talk with Dr. Nicolas about how you feel.
c. Be Patient with yourself and get a sorbet for a treat.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Knowing What to Anticipate

When a death takes location, you might experience a wide range of emotions, even when the death is expected. Numerous individuals report feeling an initial stage of numbness after first learning of a death, but there is no actual order to the grieving process.


Some emotions you may experience consist of:


 Denial
 Disbelief
 Confusion
 Shock
 Sadness
 Yearning
 Anger
 Humiliation
 Despair
 Guilt


These feelings are normal and common reactions to loss. You may not be prepared for the intensity and duration of your emotions or how swiftly your moods might change. You might even start to doubt the stability of your mental wellness. But be assured that these feelings are healthy and suitable and will assist you to come to terms together with your loss.
Mourning A Loved One


It is not simple to cope after a loved 1 dies. You will mourn and grieve. Mourning is the natural process you go via to accept a major loss. Mourning might include religious traditions honoring the dead or gathering with friends and family to share your loss. Mourning is personal and might last months or years.


Grieving is the outward expression of your loss. Your grief is likely to be expressed physically, emotionally, and psychologically. For instance, crying is a physical expression, whilst depression is a psychological expression.


It is extremely essential to allow yourself to express these feelings. Frequently, death is a topic that is avoided, ignored or denied. At first it might appear helpful to separate yourself from the discomfort, but you can't avoid grieving forever. Someday those feelings will require to be resolved or they may trigger physical or emotional illness.


Numerous individuals report physical symptoms that accompany grief. Stomach pain, loss of appetite, intestinal upsets, sleep disturbances and loss of energy are all common symptoms of acute grief. Of all life’s stresses, mourning can seriously test your natural defense systems. Existing illnesses might worsen or new conditions might develop.


Profound emotional reactions may occur. These reactions consist of anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, depression and thoughts of suicide. An obsession with the deceased is also a common reaction to death.
Dealing with a Major Loss


The death of a loved one is always challenging. Your reactions are influenced by the circumstances of a death, particularly when it is sudden or accidental. Your reactions are also influenced by your relationship with the person who died.


A child’s death arouses an overwhelming sense of injustice - for lost possible, unfulfilled dreams and senseless suffering. Parents may really feel responsible for the child’s death, regardless of how irrational that may seem. Parents might also feel that they have lost a essential part of their own identity.


A spouse’s death is very traumatic. Additionally to the severe emotional shock, the death may cause a possible financial crisis if the spouse was the family’s primary income source. The death might necessitate major social adjustments requiring the surviving spouse to parent alone, adjust to single life and perhaps even return to function.


Elderly people may be particularly vulnerable when they lose a spouse simply because it indicates losing a lifetime of shared experiences. At this time, feelings of loneliness might be compounded by the death of close friends.


A loss due to suicide can be among the most difficult losses to bear. They may leave the survivors with a tremendous burden of guilt, anger and shame. Survivors may even really feel responsible for the death. Seeking counseling throughout the first weeks after the suicide is especially beneficial and advisable.
Living with Grief


Coping with death is essential to your mental health. It is only natural to experience grief when a loved one dies. The very best factor you are able to do is allow your self to grieve. There are lots of methods to cope effectively with your pain.


 Seek out caring people. Find relatives and friends who can comprehend your feelings of loss. Join support groups with other people who're experiencing similar losses.
 Express your feelings. Tell other people how you're feeling; it'll help you to work through the grieving procedure.
 Take care of your health. Maintain normal contact with your loved ones physician and be sure to eat well and get a lot of rest. Be conscious of the danger of creating a dependence on medication or alcohol to deal with your grief.
 Accept that life is for the living. It takes effort to begin to live again in the present and not dwell on the past.
 Postpone major life modifications. Attempt to hold off on making any major changes, such as moving, remarrying, altering jobs or having another child. You should give your self time to adjust to your loss.
 Be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life.
 Seek outside assist when necessary. If your grief seems like it is too much to bear, seek expert help to assist function via your grief. It is a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek assist.


Helping Other people Grieve


If somebody you care about has lost a loved 1, you can help them through the grieving process.


 Share the sorrow. Permit them - even encourage them - to talk about their feelings of loss and share memories of the deceased.
 Don’t offer false comfort. It does not assist the grieving person whenever you say “it was for the best” or “you’ll get more than it in time.” Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen.
 Provide practical help. Baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are all methods to help someone who is in the midst of grieving.
 Be patient. Remember that it can take a lengthy time to recover from a major loss. Make your self accessible to talk.
 Encourage expert assist when necessary. Do not hesitate to suggest expert help whenever you feel somebody is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.


Helping Children Grieve


Kids who encounter a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A parent’s death could be especially difficult for little children, affecting their sense of security or survival. Often, they're confused about the modifications they see taking place around them, especially if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth or from their surviving parent’s display of grief.


Limited understanding and an inability to express feelings puts extremely young children at a special disadvantage. Young kids might revert to earlier behaviors (like bed-wetting), ask questions about the deceased that appear insensitive, invent games about dying or pretend that the death never happened.


Coping with a child’s grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepen a child’s anxiety and delays recovery. Rather, talk honestly with kids, in terms they can comprehend. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the individual who has died. Assist them work via their feelings and keep in mind that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior.
Seeking to the Future


Keep in mind, with support, patience and effort, you'll survive grief. Some day the pain will lessen, leaving you with cherished memories of your loved one.