Monday, April 30, 2012

Children and Grief Grief in Children


Even the adults are unable to cope up with the grief then think how children will respond to it.   Many children get confused and frightened during the grief time. You may think that shielding children from pain is the best way of avoiding grief. You are wrong. Grief is an unavoidable part of our life.   Instead of providing shield against grief for your children you make them to understand the ways to cope up with grief as grief is a natural occurrence and will affect children now or later.   You should convince your children that their feelings and emotions have less importance.  If your children are grown up enough, you can go up to extent of convincing them the concept of death.   You should motivate your child to express his emotions and ask questions whenever he has doubt.


 Following illustration will provide you the basics about convincing your children about grief and death.


Infants: Feeling of separation and loss are the major aspects of development of death awareness in infants as they do not recognize the death. Children separated from mother may have the characteristics like quiet, sluggish, sleep less, less active and do not responding to expressions like smile etc.  They may even develop some physical changes such as weight loss.


Children in age group of 2 to 3 years: Children of this group are not capable of understanding the death.  They assume that the deceased is in a deep sleep. You must convince them that their beloved has died and will not come back.


Children in age group of 4 to 6 Years: Children of this age group have little understanding about death.   However, they do not know how it is associated with their continued existence.  They may assume that death in contagious in nature and begin to fear that they themselves or their loved ones will die. You should comfort them and tell them that their fear is unlikely. As a result of grief children of this age group may develop disorders like loss of control over bowel and bladder. Grief may even lead to sleeplessness if the loss felt by children, due to death of loved one, is major in their life. You must discuss with your children regarding death concept and motivate them to express their concerns and emotions.


Children in age group of 7 to 9 Years: Children belonging to this age group are aware of the death. The have real grasp on death and tend to show curiosity about death and consequences of death on their future life. Though children in this age group do not think about their own death, the may develop fear about the death of their lived ones. Usually, children in this group develop aggression, behavior problems and school problems. They can become clingy or may even withdraw. Generally such behavioral changes do not occur immediately after death but are noticed at later stage.


Adolescents:   The response expressed by adolescents to the death is like that of expressed by an adult. However, children in their adolescence tend to reluctant to cope up with their fears and emotions and show denial tendency.   Though these children do not display any fear or emotion, internally they are frightened and emotional.


It is important on your part to make yourself available for comforting the child if he has experienced a loss, which may be major loss of his life.   On many occasions it is observed that adults struck themselves in bereavement and are not concerned about how their child will cope up with the grief. Counseling plays a greater role in helping the child in difficult time.

Stages of Grief for Children


Grief is part of everybody’s life. It is a natural psychological process.  Grief is caused due to feeling of irreparable loss. Such loss could be either physical like death of loved one or social like loss of job opportunity. Everyone has own of expressing emotions.  The gravity of the grief depends upon intimacy with the deceased and how fast the loss occurred (whether it was expected or was sudden).   Like the way of grieving, the period of grieving also defers from one individual to another.


 Children have their own way of thinking about the concept of death.  Children from different age groups respond differently to death. Following illustration will provide you brief idea about how children understand the concept of death in their own way and how they respond or conclude aftermaths of death.


Age of children Conception of Death Way of expressing their grief/emotions
Children below age of 2 years
They can not understand the death
Separation from loved one (mother) may develop certain changes
Crankiness
In-activeness or reduced activity
Quietness
Sleep problems
Loss of weight
Children between age group of 1 years and 6 years
Assume that the loved one is in deep sleep
The deceased is still live and function in some ways
Think that death is a temporary condition and it is not an end.  Their loved one will get up soon
Expect the deceased to become alive again
Makes many queries like how does my mother eat or go to bathroom when she is sleeping?
Difficulty in sleeping and eating
Problems in bowel and bladder control
Tantrums
Fear of loneliness or abandonment
Irrelevant thinking such as Did I do or thought something that has caused death of my mother?
Children between age group of 6 years and 9 years
Death is a though of as a spirit or person (ghost, bogeyman or skeleton)
Death is frightening and final
The death has happened to loved ones it should not happen to me
Asks specific questions
Curious about the death
May developed fears about school.  Usually these fears are exaggerated
Display aggressiveness in behavior.  This way of expressing grief is more prominent in boys
Fears about the imaginary sickness
Feeling of loneliness or abandonment
Children above age of 9 years
Like my loved one has died everyone will die
Death is inescapable and no one can change it.  It is the end.
Like my loved one I will also die
Anger, guilt, heightened emotions, shame
Enhanced anxiety about own death
Swings in moods
Feeling/fear of rejection. Not willing to be different from peers
Changed eating habits
Sleeping disorders like sleeplessness or interrupted sleep
Lack of interest in outdoor activities (regressive behavior)
Impulsive behavior
Guilty feeling about self liveliness.  Such way of expressing grief is more in cases where the child has lost one of the parents, sister or brother.

Effects of Grief on Mental Health


Grief is loss of loved one.  This loved one could be a human being or even the social things like job or opportunity.  Death is universal truth and nobody can overcome this truth. When a person dies, his dear ones grieve as they feel that irreparable loss has occurred. The way people grieve may different for each individual. However, whatever may be the way, grief surely produce certain adverse effects on mind and body.


The death of loved one is considered as the main upsetting event in anyone’s life. Whatever may be the form of death (either sudden or expected) no one can avoid the grief.  You should not look at grieving as self-indulgence but it is requirement of loss.   Grieving time is very difficult and you require real courage to cope up with this time.


It is a psychological process.   Grieving may frighten you and you may develop fear of suffering from mental sickness. There are number of emotions and individual goes through during grieving time.   Grieving is a natural psychological process. Building courage to cope up with grief will help you in avoiding complications created by grieving.   Grieving people are considered more vulnerable to physical and mental problems.  Each individual may have his own way of grieving or expressing his emotions.  Following are some of the most common symptoms and emotions displayed by grieving individuals.


Shock
Bewilderment, anger
Feeling of despair
Numbness or inability to feel pressure
Vivid dreams
Extreme sadness
Restlessness, anxiety, tense
Avoidance of or clinging to memories
Forgetfulness
Self-blame or inability to focus


Every person has his own way of grieving.   Avoiding it or sticking to it is less important. What is important here is cope up with the grief and move through it.   If a person has difficulties in coping up with grief he will be benefited by counseling from medical professional. Such counseling will assist the grieving individuals in moving through the process of grieving.


Following are the common symptoms and emotions that a grieving individual may display. Such grieving individuals require professional assistance to move through grieving process.


Hostility
Separation anxiety
Rage
Avoidance of grief
Inability to interact or respond
Panic attacks or depression
Thoughts of suicide or homicide
Behavioral changes like self-destructive behavior


There is no established or laid down way for grieving.   The severity of grief, mild or extremely intense, depends upon the type of loss the individual has suffered.  Like way of grieving, there is no laid down period for grief. If an individual is unable to cope up with the grief in considerably longer period, say within period of about six months or a year, there are more chances of individual getting stuck in the grief or denial.   There should be a support system to closely monitor the symptoms and emotions of grieving individuals during this time.

Effects of Grief on Human Body


Every individual in this universe experience the grief at one stage or another. Death is the universal truth and no body can avoid it. Death of loved ones puts you in grieving situation. Grief is a response of human beings to loss. Such loss could be physical such as death or social like loss of job. Loss not only brings you emotions but can also produce certain ill effects on your body.; The succeeding paragraphs will provide you detailed description of various effects of grief on human body.


 Grieving is prolonged and independent process which can affect human body immensely. It is common for grieving people to focus on their emotions as these people learn to survive with the occurred loss. These grieving people must be observed carefully for development of some physical sickness or deterioration.


Grieving people are considered comparatively more vulnerable to sickness and diseases than their peers. The well known ‘flight or fight’ situation occurs wherein the autonomic nervous system goes into stress mode due to the major shock or loss suffered by an individual. In this situation the production of steroids by body system increases which leads to enhanced blood pressure and heart rate. This is am usual response from the human body to stress. You must understand that grief is process is not brief or short. When such enhanced production of steroids persists for longer periods or indefinitely these can produce diminishing effects on health.


Usually the grieving people display sings of tiredness and lethargy due to the occurrence of nervous activity in the human body. Such people may develop signs of sleeplessness or disruption of sleep. These people may even suffer loss of appetite, headaches, irritability and shortness of breath.


Persistent stress of nervous system adversely affects the body immune system. This may result in reduction in infection fighting ability of the body. Grieving people are on higher risk of developing minor sicknesses such as cold. If the individual has pre-existing medical condition, grieving may lead to deterioration of such condition. It is advisable that people undergoing grieving time should opt for medical checkups on scheduled times.


Counseling and support system plays greater role in convincing the grieving people about the importance of medical treatment during this time. Though the way of grieving defers from one person to another, following are the most common health effects/physical conditions one may suffer as a result of grief.


Weeping or crying are the most common
Loss of appetite and/or upset stomach
Dryness of mouth
Sleep disturbances or sleeplessness
Easily startled
Anxiety and other heart related problems like palpitation
Breathlessness or tightness of chest
Fatigue and weight loss
Lowered immune system
Missing of Menstruations
Deterioration of existing medical conditions

Loss of a Child

Death is a universal truth. Whatever may be the cause and whatever may be age of deceased person, it leaves his dear and near grieving. Though the death is final truth, untimely demise increases the intensity of grief. The expected deaths (like owing to old age and prolonged sickness) are less painful when compared to the grief brought by untimely, sudden death, especially that of a child. It requires real courage for the parents and other family members to cope up with such loss. At times this may lead to development of certain mental illnesses of the parents.
For parents, loss of the child is the cruelest experience of their life. Such a death brings unbearable pain and irreparable loss to the parents. It becomes almost impossible for the parents to cope up with the pain and grief resulted from loss of a child. It is a natural phenomenon and no one should expect them to be the same people, what they were before the loss of their child. The pain and grief resulted from the child’s death is not like other medical conditions that could be treated with medicines and recover. Death of child leaves an impact of the life of parents, which at times alters their lifestyle. It is important for the parents to learn how to overcome with this pain and grief. Bereaved parents are made to do what they think as impossible – to overcome the pain and grief brought by death of child and to rebuild life in absence of their beloved child.
The loss of child makes the parents to face experience of intense emotions and frightening. Their emotions and feelings are natural and normal. However, the bereaved parents must understood that the memories of beloved child will be always with them and they will feel the pain as a result of vacuum created due to loss of their son but the intensity of loss will reduce with the passing of time. 
Each parent may express his/her emotions in different way and the emotions associated with the loss may be different. Following are some of the most common emotions which are found in the bereaved parents as a result of death of their child.
Emptiness
Weeping
Longing for own death
Inability to focus or distraction
Profound sadness
Exhaustion
Anger
Feeling of insanity or guilt
Weight gain resulted from over eating
Weight loss occurred due to loss of appetite
Anxiety
Denial  - Tightness of chest or throat and difficulty in breathing
Hyperventilating
Sensing child
Inability to perform regular activities
Feeling loneliness 
Fear
Irritability with others
Questions like “Why” and “what if”

Grieving period after a child’s death is long arduous journey. There are no laid down directions or guidelines which can help parents to reduce their pain and cope up with the loss. Bereaved parents, who get stuck in their grief, may get some relief from the support provided by a counselor or bereaved parent’s support group. Number of parents chooses to divert their minds, which helps them in reducing the pain and grief brought by child’s death, towards creative endeavors like painting, journaling, gardening etc. The bereaved parents must understood that they not only one suffering such loss and there are number of others with them.


Friday, April 20, 2012

Suffering Leads to Growth.

Very often a person who suffers a major setback later describes the once-bitter cup as a fount of unexpected rewards. The loss of a job leads to an enthralling new career. The dreadful illness guides a patient to unprecedented fulfillment helping others with the same disease. Bereavement opens the heart to awareness of the fragility and preciousness of each day alive.
Suffering leads to growth; we see this all the time. One year of hardship will do more to mature a person than a decade of ease. Those who have suffered little often have trouble understanding those in pain. Tragedy releases wellsprings of wisdom, empathy, and art.

Yet we bridle against loss and injury. We grasp desperately for security, and yearn for freedom from depression and grief. We take drugs or overwork. We distract ourselves with orgasms and shallow entertainments. We accumulate possessions and bank accounts as hedges against want. We even fear the only thing certain in life: death. The core of western living is a ceaseless and futile battle against the inevitability of loss.

Sorrow is not a demon. Those who can embrace uncertainty and impermanence, and stand ground as what they fear approaches, are the strongest and most peaceful among us. Sorrow is a teacher.
Grief is not the only emotion of value, or the only source of understanding. But when we quit running from pain and loss we find they connect us with the human condition, help us deeply appreciate every moment of happiness, and enrich our souls. Sorrow is not the enemy of a fulfilling life. Instead, it is the shadow that highlights the bright outlines of joy.

It took me five decades to accept what I’ve known all along: many of my most painful experiences were also the most valuable. I now recognize my cruel and grief-stricken upbringing as the crucible that tempered the most sensitive aspects of my personality. Adult losses and humiliations that once threatened to crush my spirit now look like crucial pruning.

I don’t mean to romanticize the process. Much of my life felt like hell as it happened. But all that remains, and all that ever remains, is the current moment. From the vantage of the insistent present I look back on all my disappointments, and foresee much pain that I will likely someday suffer, and understand loss and sorrow as mentors that awaken me to the human drama. What’s more, they have opened my eyes to the eternal equality of sweetness and tragedy in life

Feelings of a Widow.

What is it about loneliness that makes us want to hide the fact that we are lonely? Anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one naturally feels a gaping space in daily life and a cavernous emptiness within. Why don’t we talk more about it?

I suspect it's because a common reaction to loneliness is the feeling of shame. Perhaps we think if we admit to loneliness, we'll seem defective: "If I'm lonely there must be something wrong with me. Maybe I'm needier than anybody else. Maybe I'm not attractive enough to draw others to me. Maybe nobody wants to be with me." No wonder loneliness holds its tongue, becomes a secret, and leads to more isolation.

Feelings of loneliness are normal—a part of our human experience, especially during mourning. In her book, A Time to Grieve, Carol Staudacher relates loneliness early in the grief process with longing for the loved one, the “only one who matters.” She observes that when we lose the person closest to us, we feel as if “our whole world has lost its center.” Those who are left seem inconsequential. In early intense grief one feels apart, set adrift on a sea of sorrow: “No one else knows how I feel or feels like I feel.” At night, especially for those who live alone, a “dark foreboding threatens to swallow us.”

Later in grieving, the way we experience loneliness changes. When comfortable habits woven through our relationship are ruptured by loss, and familiar words or actions don’t take place, a void is created. We’re devastated when we realize that the familiar call, note or gift from our loved one won’t come again, ever.

With so much going on inside us, being out in public actually can take a toll. We may not want to be with others. We may feel as if we need time alone to absorb our loss. They may not understand our natural withdrawal, which may in turn intensify our sense of loneliness. And, if others give us time alone, we may believe we’re no longer important to them.

Even as we move toward reconciling our loss, we still may feel lonely when we decide to reach out to engage more with life and with others again, but aren’t sure how to do it. On the other hand, we may see the time we’ve spent alone begin to yield a gift—a desire for self-discovery or a new ability to take pleasure in our own company. As one widow said, “It still hurts, but I’m getting more used to being alone. Now I want to work on me—to learn more about who I am and what I want for the rest of my life.”