Thursday, February 26, 2015

Here are 7 tips to help during this time:

Here are 7 tips to help during this time:
  • If you are mourning for a recent loss make sure to make time for feeling the emotions that arise, whether they are anger, sadness, or pain. There is no need to judge these emotions as good or bad and know that it is Ok to feel these and they will not last forever as all things come and go. You may even create a little ritual where you spend time with the picture or object connected to the person who has passed.
  • Friends sometimes get uncomfortable around grief and if they try and make you feel better in the moment, thank them for this, and let them know it is normal and natural to feel how you feel.
  • Make sure to also take care of yourself during this time, go out on a walk, make sure to eat healthy.
  • Try and open your eyes to the delights around you. It could be a smile on a child’s face or your own. Smelling a wonderful flower or maybe tasting your own favorite food. Even in the midst of grief we can be open to the wonders of life.
  • Know your limits and allow yourself to take a break from feeling when it’s becoming overwhelming, but make sure to let your grief know that you will come back. Make a time to revisit it otherwise it will occupy you all day.
  • Being altruistic can be a great way to move through grief. Maybe you would like to volunteer at a homeless shelter or make some things for those you care about.
  • Support has been known to be very helpful and so joining a grief or support group either online or in person can be enormously supportive.

 More than anything treat yourself with love and kindness during this time, The grief will seem more acute during some times and more subtle during others. May you know deeply, “this too shall pass.”
As always, please share your thoughts, comments, and questions below. Your experiences and additions here provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

The Different Faces of Grief

I have had a number of different professions over the course of my life experience, and one of them was a funeral celebrant. I agree that it is not one of the more ‘popular’ career choices — you rarely expect your child to come home and announce that he or she wants to make a career of ‘burying dead people’ (and if he or she did, you might be a little anxious about your child’s mental health!)
Being a funeral celebrant was not my life ambition either, but being a minister of religion was. The two roles frequently go hand in hand. (Not that I contemplated that part when I announced at 12 years of age ‘what I wanted to be when I grow up.’)
In my training, I chose to forgo the opportunity to ‘look at a dead body’ during the mandatory visit to a funeral home in Melbourne. The first funeral I conducted, I led the service, played the piano, presented the eulogy and spoke the words of committal at the graveside. All of this was, as one would say, ‘a walk in the park.’ My greatest fear was that the casket would be open during the service. It wasn’t, and I have happily conducted many funerals since.
One of the most significant lessons I learned as I performed this role for people was that grief has many differing faces. Pain, suffering, relief, stoicism, distraction, sobbing, or a blank look — there is no ‘one way to grieve’ because our grief is as unique as our pain.
Some of the ‘faces of grief’ have been defined by professionals as a way of helping people to understand what it is they are witnessing in another or experiencing in themselves. The way you express your grief is your way – there is no right or wrong way to ‘do’ grief. Grief just is.
Here are 8 faces of grief:
  1. Abbreviated
    Abbreviated or short-lived grief occurs when a person finds it necessary to ‘move on’ swiftly due to, for instance, a remarriage where the now ‘absent partner’ is replaced and a new relationship is established. Grief might be shortened because the attachment or connection to the deceased was not particularly strong.
  2. Absent
    Sometimes a person shows no evidence of grief because they have put aside their own need to grieve. For instance, an adult male whose father has died may have absent grief because he is preoccupied by his mother’s needs.
  3. Ambiguous
    Sometimes a loss may not appear to be valid to others, making it difficult to express one’s grief. For example, it may be the ‘mistress’ who sits quietly at the back of a chapel, alone and unacknowledged in her grief; or the estranged child who was never acknowledged by his or her parent.
  4. Anticipatory
    When a person has suffered a prolonged period of illness, such as cancer or other disease, their loved ones frequently grieve in anticipation of their death.
  5. Chronic
    For some individuals, their grief continues to feel as intense over time as it did in the first weeks. People may be able to return to normal daily functioning; however, time does not dissipate their grief’s pain or intensity.
  6. Complicated and Traumatic
    In complicated and traumatic grief, a person’s ability to cope with daily life diminishes over time. Their ongoing grief is so painful and overwhelming that they become debilitated, experiencing prolonged agitation, suicidal thoughts or numbness.
  7. Delayed
    Delayed grief is grief postponed. For instance, a mother might delay her grief to care for her children; however, it is only for a time. Delayed grief eventually will be expressed.
  8. Disenfranchised
    In most experiences of grief, others acknowledge your loss, giving you a sense of comfort and support. Disenfranchised grief goes unnoticed and unacknowledged by others, making it an even more isolating experience. This includes experiences such as people undergoing in vitro fertilization waiting to get pregnant, miscarriage, abortion, or having the HIV virus.
Whatever your own experience of grief is, it is important that you find ways to express it so that you don’t become stuck. Journaling, drawing and talking about your experience are just some ways of processing grief. If you find yourself stuck, and your physical or mental health is declining, it is important to seek out a counselor ( Dr. Losito) who can help you process your experience.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

14 Things You Should (and Should Not) Say to Widows and Widowers

Do you know someone whose spouse has died?
Have you ever wondered what to say to him or her?
If so, you are not alone. We live in a society where death and grief are off limits topics; so most people were never taught what to say to the widowed. Even worse, most people were taught that sad feelings should be avoided at all costs. When they come across someone whose spouse has died they try to find a positive spin, fix them, or offer advice that doesn’t work.

Did you know that 85% of things people say to the widowed are not helpful?

Recovery from grief involves healing a broken heart, not a broken brain. The more often people attempt to fix widows and widowers with intellectual comments and advice the more isolated they feel. They might even start to think something is wrong with them because they are still grieving.

Here are 11 things not to say to a widow or widower:

• Be grateful for the time you were married
• You’re still young. You can always remarry
• You must stay strong for your children
• Don’t feel bad, your husband is no longer in pain (if he died of an illness)
• Your wife wouldn’t want you to be sad. She’d want you to celebrate her life
• Everything happens for a reason
• This might be a good time for you to get a new pet or take up a new hobby
• Make sure you donate all your husbands’ stuff to charity. You don’t need any reminders of him
• Make sure you don’t throw away any of your wife’s stuff. You will regret it.
• It just takes time
• I know what you’re going through (then start talking about your own loss)
Although some of these statements might be intellectually true, they are aimed at the head, not the heart, so won’t help someone who lost his or her life partner feel any better.

Try saying these helpful things to a widow or widower instead:

• What happened?
Ask what happened then actually listen to their reply. Widows and widowers need and want to be listened to. The most loving thing you can do for them is to listen to them without judgment, comparison, or trying to fix them
• I don’t know what to say
It’s okay to tell the truth if you don’t know what to say. Your honesty allows the widowed to know you are a safe person to talk to because they’ll know you aren’t trying to fix them.
• I can’t image how you feel No two relationships are the same because they are comprised of two different people. So even if you’ve had a spouse die you could never know exactly how another widow or widower feels. At best you only how you felt when your loss occurred.

Have you experienced some of these comments following the loss of your spouse? Are there any comments that you would like to add that you found to be hurtful or helpful?