Thursday, September 26, 2013

A Gateway To Meaningful Connections ( Another Form of Bereavement)

After 50, adult children have likely moved away, and friends, neighbors, family members and colleagues retire, move, fall ill, or, through death or entropy, drop out of our lives. The troubling fact is that communities start to wane just when we need them the most.
And then there’s the big game changer: the change in marital status. It’s not just widowhood that speeds up the erosion of social networks.  Divorce rates among seniors are at an all-time high, and many people find that in the aftermath, joining a new community helps them build a new life that may be many times happier than the old one.
That was the experience of Julie Cotton, 65, of Sarasota, Florida.  “I’d been married my whole adult life,” she said.  “Now I’m divorced and on my own.  Many of the people I thought I could rely on disappeared.  So I’m actively building new communities around writing, lifelong learning, and volunteering, even a new professional career.” A bonus: “Some new, close friendships are beginning to emerge, too.”
Another major game changer is moving. Donnabelle Acree, an 89-year-old widow, also from Sarasota, found this out when she recently switched from an independent living facility to an assisted living facility run by a different organization.  “It’s as if I  moved to another city,” she said.  Except for the odd phone call or visit from the few friends who still have a car and can drive, Donnabelle left her previous residential and church communities behind, resulting in a big gap in her life.  Joining new communities isn’t easy, she admits, “but it’s what it takes if I don’t want to be isolated.”
Obviously, one of the most important components of a satisfying later life is community.
Community can take many forms.  It can be a workplace, a close-knit neighborhood, a house of worship, a social club or affinity group, a committee, or simply a clutch of friends who play cards together once a week.  For many people, especially the ones who don’t live near relatives—or if they don’t have any relatives at all—these communities can take the place of extended families. Communities are a source of connection and care, activities and amusement. They also provide meaning, activities, structure and support.
So how do you get the most from your communities?

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Welcome To Hand of Compassion

Welcome,

Thank you for visiting the Hand of Compassion website. I am both proud and excited for you to review the services Hand of Compassion has to offer clients and families struggling with the loneliness, isolation and destruction of addiction. Not only as a nation but as a world we are faced with the life threatening epidemic of addiction. This disease, of epidemic proportions, reaches families of all social and economic profile; race, creed and color are affected. Together in an effort to decrease the impact of this disease for future generations, we can create awareness through educational resources, treatment experiences and transitional services. Learning to live an active lifestyle of sobriety and recovery is essential to breaking the current epidemic and the cycle it can create for our children and their children.

Hand of Compassion provides our clients and families with the tools necessary to achieve a lifestyle of sobriety and recovery. We have established these services with the highest standards of quality service and professional ethics. All of our efforts support one goal- to provide clients and families with the necessary education, resources and services to be successful in long term recovery.

We are excited about the future of our services and are looking forward to establishing long-lasting and successful relationships with our peers in the mental health and addiction recovery profession.  We trust that together, as a united team working toward the goal of long-term recovery for those who need us, we will make a difference in the health and well-being of our world.  We are grateful for each new day that we are allowed to participate in the life of someone's recovery, and for the dedicated and committed professionals and families who give from their hearts and trust us to come alongside them during these critical life transitions.

As we look to the future, we believe our core values, excellent customer service and high professional standards will be essential to our clients continued success.

Respectfully With Reassurance of Success.
Dr. Nicholas J. Losito, PhD, CSIM
Clinical Director
877 867 8556

Monday, September 9, 2013

Pre-Anticipatory Grief

The death of someone close to us is the most severe stressor imaginable. Bereavement brings a high risk of mental and physical health problems for a long time afterward.
Grieving is a completely natural process, but it can be profoundly painful and distressing.
Occasionally we are aware in advance that someone is reaching the end of his or her life, and in this case the experience of grieving partly begins before their death occurs.
To a certain extent it is impossible to be prepared for the loss of a loved one. It is a time of overwhelming emotions. Despite these feelings, however, it may be possible to plan ahead for this difficult time, particularly to ease any practical issues surrounding the eventual death. This can help reduce the complications in the first hours and days of bereavement, and also later as you struggle to carry on. Taking action in advance can be comforting because you are able just to cope with the circumstances without the added pressure to “get yourself together” and sort things out.
  • Build a network of caring people. Family friends, neighbors, colleagues and strangers in a self-help group who have “been there” can give support. Let the people close to you know what you’re going through and warn them that you may soon need more support that usual, or not to be offended if you don’t contact them for a while.
    Knowing when to ask for help is important and so is being allowed to be alone with your thoughts. One of the keys to coping is to consider bereavement as a normal natural part of life which can be a topic of conversation without fear or discomfort.
  • Look after yourself physically. Try to eat well and get plenty of rest. It is very easy to overlook your physical needs when you are busy dealing with everything that has to be done surrounding a death or struggling with grief.You may have difficulty getting to sleep, and your sleep may be disturbed by vivid dreams and long periods of wakefulness. You may also lose your appetite, feel tense and short of breath, or drained and lethargic. Don’t try to do too much.
  • If possible, speak to your boss about having time off work or at least delegating some of your workload to a colleague. Gather information on the financial and legal aspects of bereavement in advance, so you feel less overwhelmed.
  • Prepare children by explaining the situation and how they are likely to feel at the time of the death and afterward. Warn them if any practical arrangements are going to change. Think about whether to find a specially-trained counselor to help them, and keep their school informed.
Emotionally, you will be getting used to the idea of the loss, but this may happen gradually, in fits and starts. It is often not as simple as it sounds, especially if you have known the person for a long time. You may switch between talking rationally about the situation, then have a sudden surge of hope that the person will recover.
Talking about the future loss may help you get used to the reality of the death and work through some of the pain. Remember it isn’t morbid to talk about death, and it’s sensible to be prepared for it as far as possible. At times, you may be the person who can support others also affected by the loss. As you do this you will probably, slowly, find a way of imagining life after the loss, with the person in your thoughts and memories.
Depression is a natural part of grief, and usually lifts of its own accord. But if it doesn't, you may begin to worry that you are becoming clinically depressed. This can be treated and there are different ways of getting through it, which you could discuss with your medical doctor.

How Children are Involved in Grief and Loss

Children often are disenfranchised in their grief. Well-meaning adults try to protect them from the enormousness of loss by distracting them, telling them half-truths, even lying to them about the death of someone they loved. Some adults, perhaps to protect themselves from having to manage the full impact of a child’s grief, fool themselves into believing that children are “too young” to know what is going on. As noted children’s psychologist, Alan Wolfelt (1991), has said, “Anyone old enough to love is old enough to grieve.”

Children need avenues for safe expression of feelings that may include fear, sadness, guilt, and anger. Children’s play is their “work.” Provide a child-friendly environment where a child may choose the avenue best suited to his or her self-expression. For some children, it may be drawing or writing, for others, it may be puppetry, music, or physical activity. Keep in mind that a child’s reactions to grief will not appear the same as those seen in adults; as a result, children often are misunderstood. They may appear disinterested or respond as if they don’t understand the significance of what has happened.

For example, upon being told that her mother might soon die from metastatic cancer, a 10-year-old responded by asking, “When we go to dinner tonight, can I order extra pickles?” She was letting the adults know that she had heard enough for the moment. A four-year-old was told that his father died. He continued to ask, “When will he be back?” At this age, children don’t understand that death is permanent, final, and irreversible. Adults need to understand what is appropriate and expectable with children at different ages and stages of development and to recognize that children grieve in their own way and in their own time. Adults who tend to these children must focus on the children’s individual needs as well as their own.

When a child is denied the opportunity for grieving, there may be adverse consequences. At the D’Esopo Resource Center for Loss and Transition, located in Wethersfield, Conn., we regularly receive calls from parents who are worried about their children’s response to loss.
Recently, a mother called to say that she was very concerned about her three-year-old daughter. The child’s grandmother had died the previous month. The mother explained that she had consulted with the child’s pediatrician who told her that three-year-olds are too young to go to a funeral service because they do not understand death. The parents had therefore not included the child in any of the family’s commemorative rituals. Ever since, the little girl had been afraid to go to sleep and, when she did go to sleep, she experiencednightmares. During the day she was uncharacteristically anxious and clingy.

Fortunately this child, like most young children, is remarkably resilient. The problem was corrected by giving her a simple, direct, child-centered, age-appropriate explanation. She was told what happens to the body upon death (“It stops working”). And she was also given an explanation of the type of ritual that the family chose based on their religion and culture. She responded by sleeping well, having no more nightmares, and returning to her usual outgoing behavior.

While it is true that three-year-olds don’t understand that death is permanent, final, and irreversible, they do understand that something terribly sad has happened. They will miss the presence of people who have died, and they will worry about the sadness they feel around them. Lying to children or hiding the truth increases their anxiety. They are better observers of adults than most people recognize. You can’t fool them. They are remarkably perceptive.

When children of any age are not given proper explanations, their powerful imaginations will fill in the blanks in the information they have picked up from those around them. Unfortunately, their imaginations often come up with things that are far worse than the simple truth would have been. If, for example, they don’t understand the concept of “burial,” they may create images of dead loved ones being buried alive, gasping for air and trying to claw out of the ground. In the case of cremation, they may imagine their loved one being burned alive and suffering horribly.

It is far better to give them a clear idea about what is going on than to leave them to the mercy of their own imaginations. Children need to know not only what happens to the body upon death, they also need an explanation of what happens to the spirit or the soul, based on the family’s religious, spiritual, and cultural beliefs. It is essential to offer a detailed description of everything they likely will see and experience. At least one responsible adult should be present to support the child during the funeral and any other rituals.

One of the first workshops I attended regarding children and death began with the statement, “Anyone old enough to die is old enough to go to a funeral.” Participants gasped until the presenter went on to say, “as long as they are properly prepared and given the option — never forced — to attend.”

Children thrive when they are told what to expect and are allowed to participate in the commemoration of loved ones. When children and adults are encouraged to develop creative, personalized rituals, it helps everyone find comfort during the sad times. At the Resource Center, we ask children to draw or write a description of their favorite memory of the person who died. They love to share their memories and place the pictures, stories, and other items they have made into the casket to be buried or cremated along with their loved one. These kinds of activities can help the rituals around death become a meaningful family bonding experience rather than a continuing source of fear and pain.

Shakespeare said it best: “Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o’er fraught heart and bids it . . . break.” (Macbeth, Act IV, Scene 1)