How to Recommend Counseling

We all have experienced stress, anxiety, depression, grief or relationship problems at some point in our lives, right. Many of us have friends or loved ones who are suffering right now and could benefit from therapy. Nevertheless, how do we tell them to go to therapy?

Telling someone they need therapy can come off very offensive. Therapy itself is still a sensitive issue to talk about. Suggesting to a loved one or friend they need therapy can make them feel as if they are being criticized.

Six Ways to Recommend Therapy:

​Say something sooner than later – try to prevent a larger issue or a full-blown crisis from arising. Avoid minimizing the issue or hoping the problem will go away on its own.

Normalize therapy – you can disclose how you have benefited from therapy. If you have not gone to therapy yourself, express empathy by saying something like, “I see how stressed you are with everything going on right now and you deserve real support beyond our conversations. Have you thought about seeing a therapist for help?”

Do not judge – admitting you need therapy can be hard on its own. Do not diagnose; leave it to the experts. Say something like, “I notice that you don't seem like yourself. I care about you and think a therapist can help you.”

Be reassuring – let them know therapy does not have to be long term for it to be very effective in resolving their issues. Assure them they can find a compassionate, supportive and objective therapist that will provide the insight and tools to empower them professionally and professionally.

Be resourceful – be prepared to share where they can go to find psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. Psychology Today, many local hospitals and Community Mental Health Centers provide quality and affordable outpatient counseling services, and if they are employed, ask them to check their insurance card or contact HR to inquire about Employee Assistance Program (EAP) benefits. In addition, many schools and Universities offer free or low-cost services. There are also online therapy options such as Open Path for persons from low-income status. Go to openpathcollective.org/ to learn more.

Be supportive – offer to go with them to their first 12 step-program, therapy session or pay for it. If the situation is very serious, consider an intervention or hiring an interventionist. In case of an emergency, always dial 911 or take them to their local emergency room for an evaluation.

Do not let your loved one or friend suffer in silence. Express to them that therapy is not replacing the relationship. If they decide to not go to therapy, you did your part. If the relationship is becoming harmful to you, reevaluate your boundaries with them. You might want to examine if the relationship is worth continuing. We all can benefit from therapy!

What Can I Do if My Grief Won't Go Away?

If grief continues and causes a prolonged and deep depression with physical symptoms such as poor sleep, loss of appetite, weight loss, and even thoughts of suicide, you may have a condition known as complicated bereavement. Talk with your doctor as soon as possible. For Added Support Dr. Losito can provide support through Skype. Dr. Losito's can be contact at mentalhealthguy  Sometimes, a major depression can develop along with the normal feelings of loss or sadness linked with grief. Whereas normal sadness as part of a grief reaction may subside after several months, major depression is a medical disorder that is different from normal grief, can occur at any time (even in the immediate aftermath of a death of loss), and requires treatment to be resolved.

My Own Bereavement

My father died at noon on my Birthday when I was 36years old, so I can understand why people grieve during the Holy Season;  Although, my father had been ill for few years, I felt the bizarre combination of shock, loss, and relief. I even felt joy because he was finally out of pain and with Jesus. During the next few months, those emotions constantly bounced around inside of me until I felt like my mind was playing the old children’s game of Fruit; consequently, I was not able to look at a French Fry in the Face for many months. 

Basket Turn Over. One day, I was able to feel joyful, the next, I grieved, the next I felt totally lost.

Late on that Christmas afternoon, I returned to my apartment. When I opened the door I heard joyful voices singing, “We Wish You a Merry Christmas!” In my haste, I had left the Christmas music playing. The colorful lights on our tree were cheerfully twinkling, seeming to mock my father’s death. “How could anybody die on Christmas day?” I asked myself. Everything felt surreal. I felt a little crazy, but later I learned that my feelings were the normal responses to shock and grief.

Until my father died, I had not experienced the death of anyone close to me. I had no idea how to bear grief. I decided to ignore my grief and pretend that my father was still alive until the very next Christmas. That sounds a little crazy, but I know now that it was the only way I could temporarily cope. I had to finally face the loss of my father and learn how to bear grief. In fact, that very next Christmas continued to face this Holy Day could not be same from previous Christmases.  Christmas was the Holy Day my Father provided a sense of care and concern to all. Now this had to be restructured to something completely all new. 

Your grief

I know that many people are experiencing loss at this time of year, especially. For example, you may have been divorced since the last Christmas or one of your sons or daughters may be at war or a friendship may have been broken over the last year. Perhaps it’s health problems that have robbed you of many activities that were common to your life before this year or someone you love may have died.

Grief is an experience that is common to everyone. Nobody who has ever lived on this earth has been able to avoid it, but it often comes to us when we least expect it. We can easily be overwhelmed and stuck in grief for years, if we do not have some understanding of it.

Getting Through Grief

Since my father died, I have learned three things that have helped me deal with grief.

1. Grief usually comes in waves, which lasts about 20 to 30 minutes.

The body cannot sustain such strong grieving for much longer than that. After my father died, I had been afraid that such strong grief would just consume me. I feared that my grief would drag me down into a dark hole and I would never be able to come out again.

When I found out that the waves had a limit, I felt safe to let go, to cry, or talk or write my feelings down. In the months that followed, the grief waves also came less and less. I learned that the Holy Spirit is the God of all comfort (2 Cor.1:1-3) and I learned to ask Him to enter those grief waves with me. He did and He brought comfort. The grief hurt, but I wasn’t nearly as afraid.

2. Emotions don’t know time and space.

Memories are stimulated through the senses. For example, you may hear a familiar song that takes you emotionally back to a very sad place. The smell of potpourri may cause you to think of familiar previous family rituals that can no longer occur. The sight of a Christmas ornament can remind you of people who are no longer alive.

A few years after my father died, an uncle came to visit us. As I hugged him, I smelled Old Spice cologne, which had been my father’s favorite. Suddenly, I felt like a helpless 36 year-old whose heart had just been broken. I didn’t know how to come forward emotionally and I got stuck in a miserable emotional state that Christmas.

Now I remind myself to pay attention to my senses before each holiday season begins. I begin to say to myself, “That was then and this is now.” I learned to pause between the stimuli and my response. I began to practice enjoying what I have “now,” rather than automatically letting myself move emotionally backward in my mind. I have learned to celebrate the season for what it is “right now” in my life, remembering the birth of Jesus, counting the ways His birth has brought blessings and joy into my life.

This was a discipline that I had to practice and, year by year, this process has helped me live in the present.

3. Confine and assign time to your feelings

We don’t need to ignore our feelings altogether, but it’s helpful to deliberately make a time and place for them.

I began to set aside a period of time to think about my father. Sometimes I wrote about him in a journal. Other times I talked about him to my children, sometimes I lit a Christmas candle and gave thanks for him. I also looked through a scrapbook of my childhood. However, I placed a time limit on my grief and nostalgia.

I had to exercise my will to do this, making a decision to invest most of my energy into the family members who were still with me, serving friends and strangers who had needs. I invested my energy more and more into serving than grieving, and creating new memories, rather than looking back.

Years from now, you may find yourself writing or telling your grief story. Your pain will be less, because you will have experienced the Lord’s comfort. You will have also practiced the process of grieving. You will know that every day is a new day. Every day will train you to help others in grief, just as our Lord promised.

There’s no doubt that the holidays can be a sad time for those of us who are experiencing loss. But with God’s strength and grace, He can help us make it through the sadness finding peace and healing that is found in Him –The Prince of Peace. Jesus continues to seek and find us at Christmas, bringing hope to our hurting hearts.  

Dr. Nicholas Losito, Ph.D, CISM,  is the Clinical Director of Hand of  Compassion. He is available for further consults and support during the Christmas season and right through into the New Year. 

How can I help a child deal with the death of a loved one?

How can I help a child deal with the death of a loved one?

Children grieve just as adults do. Any child old enough to form a relationship will experience some form of grief when a relationship is severed. Adults may not view a child behavior as grief as it is often demonstrated in behavioral patterns which we misunderstand and do not appear to us to be grief such as "moody," "cranky," or "withdrawn." When a death occurs children need to be surrounded by feelings of warmth, acceptance and understanding. This may be a tall order to expect of the adults who are experiencing their own grief and upset. Caring adults can guide children through this time when the child is experiencing feelings for which they have no words and thus can not identify. In a very real way, this time can be a growth experience for the child, teaching about love and relationships. The first task is to create an atmosphere in which the child's thoughts, fears and wishes are recognized. This means that they should be allowed to participate in any of the arrangements, ceremonies and gatherings which are comfortable for them. First, explain what will be happening and why it is happening at a level the child can understand. A child may not be able to speak at a grandparent's funeral but would benefit greatly from the opportunity to draw a picture to be placed in the casket or displayed at the service. Be aware that children will probably have short attention spans and may need to leave a service or gathering before the adults are ready. Many families provide a non-family attendant to care for the children in this event. The key is to allow the participation, not to force it. Forced participation can be harmful. Children instinctively have a good sense of how involved they wish to be. They should be listened to carefully.

How can I help an adult friend or family member deal with the death of a loved one?

Someone you know may be experiencing grief - perhaps the loss of a loved one, perhaps another type of loss - and you want to help. The fear of making things worse may encourage you to do nothing. Yet you do not wish to appear to be uncaring. Remember that it is better to try to do something, inadequate as you may feel, than to do nothing at all. Don't attempt to sooth or stifle the emotions of the griever. Tears and anger are an important part of the healing process. Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the result of a strong relationship and deserves the honor of strong emotion. When supporting someone in their grief the most important thing is to simply listen. Grief is a very confusing process, expressions of logic are lost on the griever. The question "tell me how you are feeling" followed by a patient and attentive ear will seem like a major blessing to the grief stricken. Be present, reveal your caring, listen. Your desire is to assist your friend down the path of healing. They will find their own way down that path, but they need a helping hand, an assurance that they are not entirely alone on their journey. It does not matter that you do not understand the details, your presence is enough. Risk a visit, it need not be long. The mourner may need time to be alone but will surely appreciate the effort you made to visit. Do some act of kindness. There are always ways to help. Run errands, answer the phone, prepare meals, mow the lawn, care for the children, shop for groceries, meet incoming planes or provide lodging for out of town relatives. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention.

How can I deal with the death of a loved one?

Bereavement is a powerful, life-changing experience that most people find overwhelming the first time. Although grief is a natural process of human life, most of us are not inherently able to manage it alone. At the same time, others are often unable to provide aid or insight because of discomfort with the situation and the desire to avoid making things worse. The following passage explains how some of our "normal" assumptions about grief may make it more difficult to deal with.

Five Assumptions That May Complicate

1. Life prepares us for loss. More is learned about loss through experience than through preparation. Living may not provide preparation for survival. Handling grief resulting from the death of a loved one is a process that takes hard work. The fortunate experience of a happy life may not have built a complete foundation for handling loss. Healing is built through perseverance, support and understanding. The bereaved need others: Find others who are empathetic.
2. Family and friends will understand. If a spouse dies children lose a parent, a sibling loses a sibling, a parent loses a child and a friend loses a friend. Only one loses a spouse. Each response is different according to the relationship. Family and friends may not be capable of understanding each other thoroughly. Consider the story of Job's grief in the Bible. Job's wife did not understand his grief. His friends did their best work the first week when they just sat and did not speak. It was when they began to share their judgements of Job and his life that they complicated Job's grief. Allowance must be made so that grief may be experienced and processed over time. The bereaved need others: Find others who are accepting.
3. The bereaved should be finished with their grief within one year or something is wrong. During the first year the bereaved will experience one of everything for the first time alone: anniversaries, birthdays, occasions, etc. Therefore grief will last for at least one year. The cliche, "the healing hands of time," does not go far enough to explain what must take place. The key to handling grief is in what work is done over time. It takes time and work to decide what to do and where to go with the new and changed life that is left behind. The bereaved need others: Find others who are patient.
4. Along with the end of grief's pain comes the end of the memories. At times, the bereaved may embrace the pain of grief believing it is all they have left. The lingering close bond to the deceased is sometimes thought to maintain the memories while, in fact, just the opposite is true. In learning to let go and live a new and changed life memories tend to come back more clearly. Growth and healing comes in learning to enjoy memories. The bereaved need others: Find new friends and interests.
5. The bereaved should grieve alone. After the funeral service is over the bereaved may find themselves alone. They may feel as though they are going crazy, painfully uncertain in their world of thoughts and emotions. The bereaved begin to feel normal again when the experience is shared with others who have lost a loved one. Then, in reaching out, the focus of life becomes forward. The bereaved need others: Find others who are experienced.

Bereavement Support

1. Smile. Put a smile on your face and in your eyes, voice and heart as often as possible.
2. Make eye contact. Look people openly, warmly and squarely in the eye.
3. Open your body language. While facing the person with whom you are talking, open your chest, your heart and your arms.
4. Address people by name. Honor people by calling them by name as you greet them, give them thanks, ask a question or bid them farewell.
5. Speak with a friendly tone. Warm your tone of voice with love and kindness.
6. Be present. Give your complete and undivided attention to others when they are speaking to you.
7. Express gratitude. Focus your attention on the goodness in others, verbalize all that you appreciate and give thanks.
8. Slow down. Breathe and gift yourself and others with time to address situations and transition from them.
9. Reflect empathy and compassion. Honor people’s emotional experiences. Normalize and validate their feelings so they feel heard, known and understood.
10. Have integrity. Keep your word. Do what you say you are going to do.  Live according to your values.
11. Have good manners. Be polite, conscientious and gracious.
12. Demonstrate thoughtfulness. Get out of your own head and be of service to others. Consider their feelings and experiences.
13. Give genuine compliments. Tell others their strengths, give positive feedback and express what you admire about them.
14. Give salutations. Make the effort to open and close verbal and email interactions with a nice greeting or closure, rather than abruptly asking for something with neither a hello nor goodbye.
15. Be generous. Give and share whatever you can, whenever you can.
16. Be kind. Be the bigger person. Kindness is a choice. 
17. Show compassion. Demonstrate self-compassion by cutting yourself some slack extend this same compassion to others.
18. Be patient. Breathe and breathe out. Patience is a virtue.
19. Demonstrate self-awareness. Notice the impact you have on others by paying attention to their facial expressions, tone and body language. Consider how what you are saying will feel to them and how it will impact them. Make adjustments accordingly.
20. Be truthful. The truth has different layers and sometimes the deepest layer is hurtful or inappropriate. Speak the truth from the deepest layer that is appropriate. Speak from a place of kindness.
21. Be reliable. Follow through with responsibilities and commitments with competency and effective communication.
22. Be forgiving. Each time somebody else makes a mistake it is an opportunity for you to extend kindness and compassion and to let go of resentments that keep you tethered to the past.
23. Apologize. We are human and nobody is perfect. When you make a mistake, make an amend or extend a sincere and timely apology.
24. Take responsibility. Drop the defensiveness and the excuses and accept responsibility for yourself, your actions and your behaviors.
25. Express love. Be open-minded and non-judgemental. Extend love to yourself and to others. Choose to be loving whenever possible—it is always possible.

GRIEF NEVER ENDS ....

A Poem: I Miss YOU.

In this moment in time as the Holy Days draws closer. I find that many are yearning for loved ones and dear friends to continue to be around in a physical way. Unfortunately, they can not be near in a physical way, but can be with them in a very soothing  way in the spiritual realms. 

The Important Factor is our loved ones are with each one of us in a way we all can remember, while they were still among the living and with us. 

Continue to keep each one of your loved one close near your heart, mind, and souls during the Holy Days that will bring us the gift of life and draw happiness with us that our loved ones are interceding for each one of during the days, which do not provide happiness and care. 

Here are a few of my dear loved ones that I continue to remember during the times life does not collaborate for me.

Pop, Little Pop & Nonna Fannie, Zia Rosa, Zio Felix, Zio Michelangelo, Mother Josephina, Cardinal John, Father Andrew,  Father Romalo, and Ed and Marge.

These were the Ancient Ones, who provided care, love, and direction in my life to become the man I am today.

I continue to ask for their Intercessions during the Holy Days of Christmas. I am sure you have loved ones that you continue to ask assistance through daily intercessions to provide each one of you a sense of comfort and joy in all of your daily ways of life. 

Of Course; all of you are encouraged to contact Dr. Nicholas, when there is a fine tuning required.

La morte non è niente.

La morte non è niente.
 Sono solamente passato dall'altra parte:
 è come fossi nascosto nella stanza accanto.
 Io sono sempre io e tu sei sempre tu.
 Quello che eravamo prima l'uno per l'altro lo siamo ancora.
 Chiamami con il nome che mi hai sempre dato, che ti è familiare;
 parlami nello stesso modo affettuoso che hai sempre usato.
 Non cambiare tono di voce, non assumere un'aria solenne o triste.
 Continua a ridere di quello che ci faceva ridere,
 di quelle piccole cose che tanto ci piacevano
 quando eravamo insieme.
 Prega, sorridi, pensami!
 Il mio nome sia sempre la parola familiare di prima:
 pronuncialo senza la minima traccia d'ombra o di tristezza.
 La nostra vita conserva tutto il significato che ha sempre avuto:
 è la stessa di prima, c'è una continuità che non si spezza.
 Perché dovrei essere fuori dai tuoi pensieri e dalla tua mente, solo perché sono fuori dalla tua vista?
 Non sono lontano, sono dall'altra parte, proprio dietro l'angolo.
 Rassicurati, va tutto bene.
 Ritroverai il mio cuore,
 ne ritroverai la tenerezza purificata.
 Asciuga le tue lacrime e non piangere, se mi ami:
 il tuo sorriso è la mia pace.