My Own Bereavement

My father died at noon on my Birthday when I was 36years old, so I can understand why people grieve during the Holy Season;  Although, my father had been ill for few years, I felt the bizarre combination of shock, loss, and relief. I even felt joy because he was finally out of pain and with Jesus. During the next few months, those emotions constantly bounced around inside of me until I felt like my mind was playing the old children’s game of Fruit; consequently, I was not able to look at a French Fry in the Face for many months. 

Basket Turn Over. One day, I was able to feel joyful, the next, I grieved, the next I felt totally lost.

Late on that Christmas afternoon, I returned to my apartment. When I opened the door I heard joyful voices singing, “We Wish You a Merry Christmas!” In my haste, I had left the Christmas music playing. The colorful lights on our tree were cheerfully twinkling, seeming to mock my father’s death. “How could anybody die on Christmas day?” I asked myself. Everything felt surreal. I felt a little crazy, but later I learned that my feelings were the normal responses to shock and grief.

Until my father died, I had not experienced the death of anyone close to me. I had no idea how to bear grief. I decided to ignore my grief and pretend that my father was still alive until the very next Christmas. That sounds a little crazy, but I know now that it was the only way I could temporarily cope. I had to finally face the loss of my father and learn how to bear grief. In fact, that very next Christmas continued to face this Holy Day could not be same from previous Christmases.  Christmas was the Holy Day my Father provided a sense of care and concern to all. Now this had to be restructured to something completely all new. 

Your grief

I know that many people are experiencing loss at this time of year, especially. For example, you may have been divorced since the last Christmas or one of your sons or daughters may be at war or a friendship may have been broken over the last year. Perhaps it’s health problems that have robbed you of many activities that were common to your life before this year or someone you love may have died.

Grief is an experience that is common to everyone. Nobody who has ever lived on this earth has been able to avoid it, but it often comes to us when we least expect it. We can easily be overwhelmed and stuck in grief for years, if we do not have some understanding of it.

Getting Through Grief

Since my father died, I have learned three things that have helped me deal with grief.

1. Grief usually comes in waves, which lasts about 20 to 30 minutes.

The body cannot sustain such strong grieving for much longer than that. After my father died, I had been afraid that such strong grief would just consume me. I feared that my grief would drag me down into a dark hole and I would never be able to come out again.

When I found out that the waves had a limit, I felt safe to let go, to cry, or talk or write my feelings down. In the months that followed, the grief waves also came less and less. I learned that the Holy Spirit is the God of all comfort (2 Cor.1:1-3) and I learned to ask Him to enter those grief waves with me. He did and He brought comfort. The grief hurt, but I wasn’t nearly as afraid.

2. Emotions don’t know time and space.

Memories are stimulated through the senses. For example, you may hear a familiar song that takes you emotionally back to a very sad place. The smell of potpourri may cause you to think of familiar previous family rituals that can no longer occur. The sight of a Christmas ornament can remind you of people who are no longer alive.

A few years after my father died, an uncle came to visit us. As I hugged him, I smelled Old Spice cologne, which had been my father’s favorite. Suddenly, I felt like a helpless 36 year-old whose heart had just been broken. I didn’t know how to come forward emotionally and I got stuck in a miserable emotional state that Christmas.

Now I remind myself to pay attention to my senses before each holiday season begins. I begin to say to myself, “That was then and this is now.” I learned to pause between the stimuli and my response. I began to practice enjoying what I have “now,” rather than automatically letting myself move emotionally backward in my mind. I have learned to celebrate the season for what it is “right now” in my life, remembering the birth of Jesus, counting the ways His birth has brought blessings and joy into my life.

This was a discipline that I had to practice and, year by year, this process has helped me live in the present.

3. Confine and assign time to your feelings

We don’t need to ignore our feelings altogether, but it’s helpful to deliberately make a time and place for them.

I began to set aside a period of time to think about my father. Sometimes I wrote about him in a journal. Other times I talked about him to my children, sometimes I lit a Christmas candle and gave thanks for him. I also looked through a scrapbook of my childhood. However, I placed a time limit on my grief and nostalgia.

I had to exercise my will to do this, making a decision to invest most of my energy into the family members who were still with me, serving friends and strangers who had needs. I invested my energy more and more into serving than grieving, and creating new memories, rather than looking back.

Years from now, you may find yourself writing or telling your grief story. Your pain will be less, because you will have experienced the Lord’s comfort. You will have also practiced the process of grieving. You will know that every day is a new day. Every day will train you to help others in grief, just as our Lord promised.

There’s no doubt that the holidays can be a sad time for those of us who are experiencing loss. But with God’s strength and grace, He can help us make it through the sadness finding peace and healing that is found in Him –The Prince of Peace. Jesus continues to seek and find us at Christmas, bringing hope to our hurting hearts.  

Dr. Nicholas Losito, Ph.D, CISM,  is the Clinical Director of Hand of  Compassion. He is available for further consults and support during the Christmas season and right through into the New Year. 

Coping With Grief at Christmas

Christmas are a time for fellowship and friendship with those you love. However, for many bereaved families, it is also the time of year when they remember the ones in lives who have died. How one handles this grief depends on many factors:

• Relationship to person who died
• Time since loved one's passing
• How many living family members and friends will join in holiday festivities
• What stage of grief is the bereaved person is in

Once these factors are identified, the bereaved can decide what would be best in dealing with grief at Christmas. There are many ways this can be done including honoring the loved one lost or creating new family traditions.

Grieve

It's OK to be sad when you miss someone you love. It's only natural to feel the grief and heartache associated with being alone. When you start feeling overwhelmed by the holidays:

• Spend some time alone, reading your bereavement cards or letters from others about the person who died
• Go to the cemetery or other resting place
• Write a letter to the person who died
• Seek Dr. Losito if the grief is too overwhelming to handle alone
• Share memories of the person with whoever will listen

Hold a Memorial Service

On Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, hold a special graveside Memorial Services honoring the person who died. This will give everyone a chance to connect with their feelings about the deceased person. Activities to include in the memorial service are:

• Singing a few special holiday songs
• Reading a few favorite Bible passages or poems
• A photographic slide show at the Christmas celebration
• Placing favorite flowers or grave blanket on the headstone
• Have a special Mass or religious service held in the deceased person's memory

Create New Family Traditions

Grief at Christmas can be eased by changing family traditions that normally would make you sad. If it is a parent  you grieve, then make your holiday festivities different than what they were when he or she was alive. Change the location of the celebration or just do things different if that is what you prefer. If it was a child who dies, consider including him or her in your celebration:

• Put up a stocking with the child's name on it
• Add the child's name to Christmas cards in a way that makes you and your family feel comfortable
• Place flowers or toys at the child's resting place
• Make a toy donation in his or her name
• Buy a special angel ornament to add to your tree

Take a Year Off

There is no rule that says you have to celebrate Christmas with your family and friends. If your grief is so fresh or overwhelming, take a year off. Spend the day watching your favorite movies alone if that is what you want to do. You don't have to put a Christmas tree or send out holiday cards. If anyone asks, tell them you needed some time for yourself this year and hope to be back into the festivities next year. Instead of celebrating, you can:

• Volunteer at a food kitchen
• Spend time at your favorite spot meditating or reflecting
• Take a long walk
• Spend time with an elderly neighbor or one who is alone on Christmas
• Create your own support group and invite others over who are suffering through the same kind of loss.

A Final Thought

Christmas is exactly what you make of it. It can be a joyous time of year or it can leave you feeling sad and lonely. Remember, don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable -- you are the one grieving and need time to do that.

Blue Christmas: 6 Tips for Coping with Grief During the Holidays The rest of the world seems overjoyed with holiday spirit and yet you just want to get in bed and pull the covers over your head. You’re grieving. Perhaps your loss was quite recent or maybe it occurred years ago. All you know is that you dread this time of year and cannot wait for it to be over. While the holidays are definitely a challenge for grievers, using these 6 strategies will help you feel a little less blue. Talk about your Loved One – Don’t be afraid to mention your loved one when you’re at a party or with friends and family. Often people are reluctant to mention the deceased because they are afraid to ‘upset’ you. They don’t realize that your loved one is always on your mind and that it’s healthy to reminisce. Be the one to share memories and to encourage conversation. Express your Feelings – Holding in pent up emotion is not healthy. If you want to cry, let yourself cry. If you need to express anger, write in a journal. Try creative arts to express the many feelings you’re experiencing. Use on-line sites to connect with other grievers and talk about your feelings. Letting yourself feel the pain and then finding expression for that pain is an important aspect to healing. Light a Candle – Light a memorial candle at the holiday dinner table to honor the light of your loved one. Remember that although their physical form has gone, they are very much still a part of your life. Hold that love close to your heart and remember that your life has been enriched by their love. Shop and Share – A frequent sadness for grievers is not being able to shop for their loved one. Try going shopping for things that you might have purchased for your dear one and then donating those items to a homeless shelter, a hospital, or a charity. Cut Yourself Slack – Be extremely gentle and kind to yourself. If you don’t feel like going to a party, don’t go. If you don’t want to send cards, then don’t send them. Do the absolute minimum necessary for you to celebrate the holidays. Grieving is exhausting and you simply won’t have extra energy to expend. When possible, ask friends and neighbors to help you with tasks that feel overwhelming. Try to do your shopping on-line. Set your bar low and give yourself permission to take it easy. Simple Pleasures – Even if your heart is broken, you can look for simple pleasures to savor. See if you can find one tiny thing each day for which you can be grateful. Notice your health, your loved ones who are still living, even small sensory pleasures like tastes, smells, and sounds. Try shining the focus of your attention on small things in your life that bring you some happiness. Using these tips will help ease you through the holidays. Remember that grieving is one of the most universal of all experiences – you are not alone.

The rest of the world seems overjoyed with holiday spirit and yet you just want to get in bed and pull the covers over your head.  You’re grieving.  Perhaps your loss was quite recent or maybe it occurred years ago.  All you know is that you dread this time of year and cannot wait for it to be over.

While the holidays are definitely a challenge for grievers, using these 6 strategies will help you feel a little less blue.

Talk about your Loved One – Don’t be afraid to mention your loved one when you’re at a party or with friends and family.  Often people are reluctant to mention the deceased because they are afraid to ‘upset’ you.  They don’t realize that your loved one is always on your mind and that it’s healthy to reminisce.  Be the one to share memories and to encourage conversation.

Express your Feelings – Holding in pent up emotion is not healthy.  If you want to cry, let yourself cry.  If you need to express anger, write in a journal.  Try creative arts to express the many feelings you’re experiencing.  Use on-line sites to connect with other grievers and talk about your feelings.  Letting yourself feel the pain and then finding expression for that pain is an important aspect to healing.

Light a Candle – Light a memorial candle at the holiday dinner table to honor the light of your loved one.  Remember that although their physical form has gone, they are very much still a part of your life.  Hold that love close to your heart and remember that your life has been enriched by their love.

Shop and Share – A frequent sadness for grievers is not being able to shop for their loved one.  Try going shopping for things that you might have purchased for your dear one and then donating those items to a homeless shelter, a hospital, or a charity.

Cut Yourself Slack – Be extremely gentle and kind to yourself.  If you don’t feel like going to a party, don’t go.  If you don’t want to send cards, then don’t send them.  Do the absolute minimum necessary for you to celebrate the holidays.  Grieving is exhausting and you simply won’t have extra energy to expend.  When possible, ask friends and neighbors to help you with tasks that feel overwhelming.  Try to do your shopping on-line.  Set your bar low and give yourself permission to take it easy.

Simple Pleasures – Even if your heart is broken, you can look for simple pleasures to savor.  See if you can find one tiny thing each day for which you can be grateful.  Notice your health, your loved ones who are still living, even small sensory pleasures like tastes, smells, and sounds.  Try shining the focus of your attention on small things in your life that bring you some happiness.

Using these tips will help ease you through the holidays.  Remember that grieving is one of the most universal of all experiences – you are not alone.