Unexpected Death

If you truly want to honor your deceased loved one let their dying and death stir you up!
Death wasn’t designed to be neat and clean. It wasn’t created to be efficient and medicalized.  It wasn’t fashioned to be politically correct or professional. Death was designed to stir us up and get our attention, to bring us present to life so to speak.

In a way death was designed to wake us up, to remind us we are alive, to get us back on purpose. Let me give you several examples that demonstrate what I mean.

My Father's Vincent's unexpected death back in February 1996, which was my 36th birthday sure a great loss to all of us who knew and loved him. I miss him deeply to this very day.  That being said I turned my life upside down for the better because of his death! I realized no matter how much wealth I amassed or how many assets I had none of them would get my father back. I also saw that I was not so happy in my career, it was no longer me.  I quit shortly after, moved out west and began a new career in community and hospice.  My Pop's death as uncomfortable as it was also a gift –
I got to reinvent myself!

My Mentor Monsignor Andrew V. Coffey, PA, death in  August 2010 - I had a similar impact on my life. Experienced him die over a 12 years particularly in the last five months of his life was really uncomfortable – it was very hard to witness. I wasn’t in denial – I was in discomfort! Previously, I Was him in Davis on a Saturday how much pain he was in during that time. He even prepared me lunch, which I loved a lot. The next 72 hours he entered Mercy McMahon. I knew then, I would not see him alive again.

Monsignor's death reminded me loudly that I was alive and he was dead – how extremely Blessed I am to BE alive. It shook me up in a very real way. Being with Father Andrew, as he was dying my body got a first hand wake up call on a cellular level. If my body could speak this is what it would say;  “You too are going to die. Get on with fully living your life. You have no time to waste.” And so I have.  Again, a sad and painful loss enlivened my own life.

I saw first hand their pain and grief – sometimes I witnessed their upset, anger, and confusion as end of life planning was not done or done poorly. Example after example taught me how very important great end of life preparation is. The pain families went through, though difficult and sometimes uncomfortable to witness, inspired me to get all my end of life paperwork in order and further to talk with my immediate family about the contents of my ‘death binder’. Now complete and there to guide my family in the event of my death I feel I have done what a responsible person, husband, and father would do. I have a deeper sense of freedom given all is in place, relief if you will, knowing my family responsibilities have been handled. Now I am getting on with living fully.

So, notice in each of these three examples despite the loss, the sadness, the grief, and the pain there was a ‘gift’. My willingness to be in the discomfort of the loss, to feel it deeply and experience it fully opened the door to me being able to discover the wisdom there was to glean from the death I had witnessed. I let death be my teacher. Had I run from the discomfort, covered up and pulled away from the raw reality of the dying and the death I would not have stumbled into the lessons death provided for me.

Instead of pulling back from dying and death step towards it. Be willing to feel the discomfort, the loss, the missing, and the grief in a real and human way. Doing this opens the door for profound learning and keys to living life even more fully – to live with passionate abandon.

A Pre Bereavement Prayer

Three Very Beautiful Prayers Start with the Our Father
 
Which are very useful to a dying person, and should be prayed often as an act of mercy.
There once was a Pope in Rome who was surrounded by many sins.  The Lord God struck him with a fatal illness.  When he saw that he was dying he summoned Cardinals, Bishops and learned persons and said to them:  “My dear friends! What comfort can you give me now that I must die, and when I deserve eternal damnation for my sins?”  No one answered him.  One of them, a pious curate named John, said: “Father, why do you doubt the Mercy of God?”  The Pope replied: “What comfort can you give me now that I must die and fear that I’ll be damned for my sins?” John replied:  “I’ll read three prayers over you; I hope, you’ll be comforted and that you’ll obtain Mercy from God.”  The Pope was unable to say more.  The curate and all those present knelt and said an Our Father, then the following prayers:
 
Prayer 1.
Lord Jesus Christ!  Thou Son of God and Son of the Virgin Mary, God and Man, Thou who in fear sweated blood for us on the Mount of Olives in order to bring peace, and to offer Thy Most Holy Death to God Thy Heavenly Father for the salvation of this dying person…  If it be, however, that by his sins he merits eternal damnation, then may it be deflected from him.  This, O Eternal Father through Our Lord Jesus Christ, Thy Dear Son, Who liveth and reigneth in union with The Holy Spirit now and forever.  Amen.
 
Prayer 2.
Lord Jesus Christ!  Thou who meekly died on the trunk of the Cross for us, submitting Thy Will completely to Thy Heavenly Father in order to bring peace and to offer Thy most Holy Death to Thy Heavenly Father in order to free…(this person)…and to hide from him what he has earned with his sins; grant this O Eternal Father!  Through Our Lord Jesus Thy Son, who liveth and reigneth with Thee in union with the Holy Spirit now and forever.  Amen.
 
Prayer 3.
Lord Jesus Christ!  Thou Who remained silent to speak through the mouths of the Prophets;  I have drawn Thee to me through Eternal Love, which love drew Thee from Heaven into the body of the Virgin, which love drew Thee from the body of the Virgin into the valley of this needful world, which Love kept Thee 33 years in this world, and as a sign of Great Love, Thou hast given Thy drink, as a sign of great love, Thou has consented to be a prisoner and to be led from one judge to another and as a sign of great love Thou has consented to be condemned to death, and hast consented to die and to be buried and truly rise, and appeared to Thy Holy Mother and all the Holy Apostles, and as a sign of great love Thou hast ascended, under Thy own strength and power, and sitteth at the right hand of God Thy heavenly Father, and Thou has sent Thy Holy Spirit into the heart of Thy Apostles and the hearts of all who hope and believe in Thee.  Through Thy sign of Eternal love, open heaven today and take this dying person… and all his sins into the realm of Thy Heavenly Father, that he may reign with Thee now and forever.  Amen.
 
Meanwhile the Pope died.  The curate persevered to the third hour, then the Pope appeared to him in body and comforting him; his countenance as brilliant as the sun, his clothes as white as snow, and he said:  “My dear brother!  Whereas I was supposed to be a child of damnation I’ve become a child of happiness.  As you recited the first prayer many of my sins fell from me as rain from Heaven, and as you recited the second Prayer I was purified, as a goldsmith purifies gold in a hot fire.  I was still further purified as you recited the third prayer.  Then I saw Heaven open and the Lord Jesus standing on the Right Hand of God the Father who said to me:  “Come, all thy sins are forgiven thee, you’ll be and remain in the realm of My Father forever.  Amen!”
 
With these words my soul separated from my body and the angels of God led it to Eternal Joy.
As the curate heard this he said: “O Holy Father! I can’t tell these things to anyone, for they won’t believe me.”  Then the Pope said: “Truly I tell thee, the Angel of God stands with me and has written the prayers in letters of gold for the consolement of all sinners.  If a person had committed all the sins in the world, but that the three prayers shall have been read (over him) at his end (death), all his sins wil be forgiven him, even though his soul was supposed to suffer until the Last Judgement, it will be redeemed (freed).
The person who hears them read, he won’t die an unhappy death also in whose house they will be read.  Therefore take these prayers and carry them into St. Peter’s Basilica and lay them in the Chapel named the Assumption of Mary, for certain consolation.  The person who will be near death, who reads them or hears them read gains 400 years indulgence for the days he was supposed to suffer in Purgatory because of his guilt.  Also who reads this prayer or hears it read, the hour of his death shall be revealed to him. Amen!

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Questions & Answers: Dying At Home

Medical and Other Considerations Is it necessary to be under a doctor's care while dying at home?

Yes. The doctor's role remains essential. A doctor can act as coordinator of the services a person needs when returning home to die, including finding a hospice program or home healthcare agency. Also, as the dying person's condition and needs change, a doctor is necessary to change treatment orders. Finally, medications, especially those for pain control, normally must be ordered by a doctor.

What is hospice?

The focus of hospice relies on the belief that each of us has the right to die pain-free and with dignity, and that our loved ones will receive the necessary support to allow us to do so.
Hospice care involves a team-oriented approach to expert medical care, pain management, and emotional and spiritual support expressly tailored to the patient's needs and wishes. The goal of hospice is not to prolong life, but to provide medical treatments that alleviate pain or maintain comfort throughout the dying process, and offer other support to dying persons and their families. The medical care provided by hospice often is called "palliative" or "comfort" care. Although some hospitals and nursing homes have units devoted to hospice care, most people receive hospice care in their own homes.

When is hospice a suitable option?

Hospice is an option for people who have been diagnosed with a life-limiting illness and are expected to die within a time, usually six months. Approximately 70-75% of hospice patients have advanced cancer. Increasingly, however, patients with other incurable conditions-such as end-stage Alzheimer's disease, advanced AIDS, and emphysema-receive hospice care.

How does home healthcare differ from hospice?

Home healthcare and hospice provide similar basic nursing in an individual's home. They differ in their goals for providing that care. Hospice treats dying persons only. In contrast, home healthcare is for any patient who needs medical assistance at home. It can include not only palliative care for dying people, but also treatments for those recuperating from surgery or medical illness and ongoing therapies for people with chronic disabilities.
Certified hospice programs are required to offer support to families as well as to dying persons, including counseling, pastoral services, and bereavement support. Home healthcare agencies are not required to provide care to families, although many do.

Can pain or other symptoms be treated adequately at home?

Yes, individuals usually can be made comfortable and pain-free in their homes. Pain or other physical symptoms are not an inevitable part of the dying process, but when symptoms are present, family members often can be taught to administer pain medication and other treatments to keep the dying person comfortable.
At times, however, symptoms can be better managed in a hospital. The person's doctor and hospice team, if appropriate can arrange for admission to the hospital if necessary.

What other assistance may be necessary?

People who choose to die at home may require constant care. Seriously ill or dying patients often need assistance in activities of daily living, such as preparing meals, eating, dressing, bathing, and using the bathroom. Often, these needs may be too much for family members to handle alone and additional help may be needed.
Trained home care workers often can provide this type of essential non-medical "custodial" care when family members need to work, run errands, or simply "take a break" from the responsibility of caring for a dying person.