When a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one, it’s easy to feel helpless. Sometimes we think we’re doing the right thing by trying to cheer them up, pointing out the positives or letting them know that they should try to move on. Well-intentioned as we may be, those efforts tend to put pressure on them and leave them feeling invalidated.

So here are eight ways to help you support your friend in times of need.

Let go of time expectations. The person grieving may struggle for longer than expected. If this happens, regardless of how frustrating or frightening it may be for you, let them grieve for however long they need, knowing you won’t judge them for it.

Recognize the stages of grief. Most people suffering a loss will go through these stages, often in no particular order and sometimes repeating stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. Each one is healthy and necessary. The more familiar you are with these stages, the better equipped you’ll be to support your friend.

Variables to grief. One person’s grief is never the same as another’s. Variables include the cause and length of death, the personal resiliency of the grieving person, what their previous experiences have been, how large their support network is and their relationship to the person lost. Be understanding of how this can change their experience of grief from your own or someone else you have known.

Resist telling them how strong they are. We are often inclined to praise the person who appears to be coping stoically with a loss. The problem is that we need to allow them to be human and vulnerable sometimes too. After all, there’s strength in letting out your emotions from time to time.

Offer the bereaved ways to memorialize. Funerals and memorial services work to give support and closure to the bereaved. We can also memorialize in other ways, like planting trees, writing letters or having remembrance gatherings.

Ask them what they need. It’s normal to feel you can guess what your friend needs based on what you might need in their position. Because we’re all different, it is best to ask them what it is that you can do for them. If they say “I don’t know” or “nothing,” resist the desire to walk away in your frustration or worry. Just offer your support in whatever way you can and let them know that you will be there when they think of something.

Continue to check in on them. At the time of a funeral, many people offer help and support to the grieving person. As the weeks and months pass everyone’s lives move forward and they generally forget to follow up on their offerings of help and support. Be the person who follows up. You don’t have to give all of your energy, but your caring will be appreciated and will provide untold comfort.

Christmas Encouragement !

1. Turn Your Criticisms Into Clear Requests

Think of words as emotion-activating agents, and reframe criticisms into requests to produce high- rather than low-energy emotional states in your self and others. Brain fact: Low energy emotions (fear-based) block creative thinking to the extent they intensify, and even worse, activate our automatic defense strategies. When this happens, high levels of cortisol turn off our brain’s learning mode, which may explain why we stop listening when we feel attacked. Rather than saying,”You’re always angry and on the attack,” say the following: “Speak to me in a voice that lets me know you love me when you’re upset.”

2. Describe problems in solution focused language.

Use words to craft that reframe a stubborn problem in solution terms to give your self and others a fresh and energizing perspective. Brain fact: The images that positive action-oriented language energizes in our brain produce action-activating emotions emotion-command neural circuitry and associations that can move us to take action more easily and effortlessly. In contrast, problem-focused language can leave us feeling de-energized, in a rut or states of boredom, which can seem “real” after prolonged use, however, they are simply habits — neural associations — that we have subconsciously formed, stored and reinforced over a period of time. This means they can be unlearned. Rather than “You always leave me to do everything,” say “It’s a privilege to care for our house. I want to do my part to make sure you do not miss out on the great feelings of taking part as a team member in caring for our house.”

3. Replace judgements with curiosity.

Stir thoughts that spawn curiosity instead of criticisms or harsh judgments of yourself or others. Brain fact: Whereas criticisms tend to demotivate and keep us stuck in old thinking and behavior patterns (emotion-command neural circuits that activate fear), curiosity motivates us toward new thoughts or actions, and ones that inspire compassion for our self and others. Over time, finding fault thinking patterns can cause us to get cynical, and lectures and long monologues (for both the giver and recipient!) turn off our brain’s listening mode capacity. Rather than “She’s always so mean today,” say “I wonder if she needed something and didn’t ask.”

4. Use possibility thinking to break a habit.

Consider new ways of thinking to break an annoying habit or problem pattern.  Brain fact: Venting is bad for the brain and creates new neuron pathways to many  more  complaints. Instead of making statements such as, “I never stick with my fitness goals,” say “What new thoughts about exercise or nutrition would change my attitude, and thus allow my brain to associate positive emotion states with something I want it to help me make a regular habit?”

5. Encourage yourself and others often.

Think of encouraging words to say to others, and especially your self, and do so as often as possible. Brain fact: Encouragement activates positive changes in the chemistry of our brains, strengthens our capacity to make conscious shifts away from fear and, instead, toward building greater understanding of what triggers us and making wise, more informed choices. This process ultimately benefits us in many ways, among others, it: (1) takes less work (energy) to make conscious effort to change than hold onto reactivity, defensiveness, grudges, disappointments, etc.; (2) helps us heal past wounds and transform fears into assets; and (3) levels of serotonin and dopamine, which have healthful effects on your health whether you address yourself or others. Instead of “I wish I didn’t have to go to this gathering,” say “I (want to) enjoy learning to get comfortable with uncomfortable actions that stretch me in positive directions.”

6. Give the gift of forgiveness.

If you practice forgiveness for yourself or another, know let go of a grudge, etc., you’re doing your brain and body a big favor. Brain fact: Whereas anger itself is a healthy and even vital emotion (i.e., releases low levels of cortisol that propel us to take positive action to get out of a stuck place or deal with challenges in the way of our goals), holding on to anger can lead to more intense emotions of hatred or rage that release toxic levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Forgiveness is more than a cornerstone of every major faith and tradition. It appears to be a natural ability in every infant and child before language development (where they learn to judge self and others … ); it is also an essential practice that allows us to be in charge of promoting our own personal and relational health. In contrast, prolonged toxic levels of the stress hormone damage our health and can even kill cells prematurely.  Instead of “Why me?” or “I’ll never forgive myself,” learn to let go by saying, “I let go of thoughts of retaliation or wanting another to hurt as they hurt me.”

7. Offer the gift of acceptance.

When forgiveness Is Not An Option, such as when a hurtful behavior continues to occur, offer the gift of acceptance. Brain fact: Conscious acceptance is a learned skill that, when cultivated, brings emotional balance into life. Acceptance liberates your brain to work optimally. It focuses your emotional energy, so you may better access the amazing powers of your cerebral cortex to reflect on possibilities, opt for wise choices, make changes, etc., rather than succumb to the lures and snares of reactivity, limiting beliefs, toxic thinking and other rigid patterns of the mind, which can imprison the otherwise amazing capabilities of the human mind and imagination. Rather than “Why did this happen,” say “I don’t like (or hate) that this happened, I wish things were different, however, I cannot change the past. For my own peace of mind and health, I honor my wish to change this situation, and at the same time let go of having to change it before I can be happy.”