Cultures have different ways of coping with death.

Grief felt for the loss of loved ones occurs in people of all ages and cultures. Different cultures, however, have different myths and mysteries about death that affect the attitudes, beliefs, and practices of the bereaved.

Individual, personal experiences of grief are similar in different cultures.

The ways in which people of all cultures feel grief personally are similar. This has been found to be true even though different cultures have different mourning ceremonies and traditions to express grief.

Cultural issues that affect people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one include rituals, beliefs, and roles.

Helping family members cope with the death of a loved one includes showing respect for the family's culture and the ways they honor the dead. The following questions may help caregivers learn what is needed by the person's culture:

What are the cultural rituals for coping with dying, the deceased person's body, and honoring the death?

What are the family's beliefs about what happens after death?

What does the family feel is a normal expression of grief and the acceptance of the loss?

What does the family consider the roles of each family member in handling the death?

Are certain types of death less acceptable (for example, suicide), or are certain types of death especially hard for that culture (for example, the death of a child)?

Death, grief, and mourning are normal life events. All cultures have practices that best meet their needs for dealing with death. Caregivers who understand the ways different cultures respond to death can help patients of these cultures work through their own normal grieving process.

When a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one, it’s easy to feel helpless. Sometimes we think we’re doing the right thing by trying to cheer them up, pointing out the positives or letting them know that they should try to move on. Well-intentioned as we may be, those efforts tend to put pressure on them and leave them feeling invalidated.

So here are eight ways to help you support your friend in times of need.

Let go of time expectations. The person grieving may struggle for longer than expected. If this happens, regardless of how frustrating or frightening it may be for you, let them grieve for however long they need, knowing you won’t judge them for it.

Recognize the stages of grief. Most people suffering a loss will go through these stages, often in no particular order and sometimes repeating stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. Each one is healthy and necessary. The more familiar you are with these stages, the better equipped you’ll be to support your friend.

Variables to grief. One person’s grief is never the same as another’s. Variables include the cause and length of death, the personal resiliency of the grieving person, what their previous experiences have been, how large their support network is and their relationship to the person lost. Be understanding of how this can change their experience of grief from your own or someone else you have known.

Resist telling them how strong they are. We are often inclined to praise the person who appears to be coping stoically with a loss. The problem is that we need to allow them to be human and vulnerable sometimes too. After all, there’s strength in letting out your emotions from time to time.

Offer the bereaved ways to memorialize. Funerals and memorial services work to give support and closure to the bereaved. We can also memorialize in other ways, like planting trees, writing letters or having remembrance gatherings.

Ask them what they need. It’s normal to feel you can guess what your friend needs based on what you might need in their position. Because we’re all different, it is best to ask them what it is that you can do for them. If they say “I don’t know” or “nothing,” resist the desire to walk away in your frustration or worry. Just offer your support in whatever way you can and let them know that you will be there when they think of something.

Continue to check in on them. At the time of a funeral, many people offer help and support to the grieving person. As the weeks and months pass everyone’s lives move forward and they generally forget to follow up on their offerings of help and support. Be the person who follows up. You don’t have to give all of your energy, but your caring will be appreciated and will provide untold comfort.

Handling Grief and Bereavement

Most caregivers who lose a loved one will experience a normal sense of grief and bereavement. Normal, though, does not mean free of emotional, physical, and spiritual pain. Here are things you can do to help with those feelings:  Know the triggers. The first year will have many emotional triggers: first birthday without the loved one, the first Thanksgiving, the anniversary of the death. When these "firsts" occur, the waves of grief can come crashing back.Know your priorities. It's important to maintain friendships, routines, activities, and other things that nourish you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.Plan for the unexpected. One way to do this is to think about and rehearse your responses to the questions others might ask. Doing so can keep you from being blindsided.Don't bottle things up. Talk to the palliative care social worker, counselor, advance practice nurse, and physician. Talking about things helps you acknowledge your feelings and enables you to say good-bye and find emotional closure.Don't try to do it alone. Before your loved one is gone, make sure you've put together a support system made up of people you can count on to be there, lean on for support, and depend on for help with chores and other things that need to be done.Don't make big changes. During the first year avoid doing things that will mean a major change in your life. Don't move, don't get divorced, don't cut off communication with people you are close to. Experts say you will be a different person as time passes.Take care of your health. That doesn't just mean eat well, get a good night's sleep, and exercise. It means doing things that ensure emotional and spiritual well-being, too.Don't isolate yourself. Loneliness breeds loneliness. Don't turn down invitations, even though going out may be the last thing you want to do.Deal with anger. Anger is self-perpetuating and can snowball. Grief counseling can help you understand and deal with the anger you feel.Keep the faith. Religion won't "fix" things, experts say. But it can help normalize them. And belonging to a faith group means you have a community for support.Take up new activities. New activities help you form new patterns of doing things and new interests that are not associated with the person who has died.Make humor part of your coping routine. Humor can help provide perspective on the way your life is changing.

Here are 7 tips to help during this time:

Here are 7 tips to help during this time:

• If you are mourning for a recent loss make sure to make time for feeling the emotions that arise, whether they are anger, sadness, or pain. There is no need to judge these emotions as good or bad and know that it is Ok to feel these and they will not last forever as all things come and go. You may even create a little ritual where you spend time with the picture or object connected to the person who has passed.
• Friends sometimes get uncomfortable around grief and if they try and make you feel better in the moment, thank them for this, and let them know it is normal and natural to feel how you feel.
• Make sure to also take care of yourself during this time, go out on a walk, make sure to eat healthy.
• Try and open your eyes to the delights around you. It could be a smile on a child’s face or your own. Smelling a wonderful flower or maybe tasting your own favorite food. Even in the midst of grief we can be open to the wonders of life.
• Know your limits and allow yourself to take a break from feeling when it’s becoming overwhelming, but make sure to let your grief know that you will come back. Make a time to revisit it otherwise it will occupy you all day.
• Being altruistic can be a great way to move through grief. Maybe you would like to volunteer at a homeless shelter or make some things for those you care about.
• Support has been known to be very helpful and so joining a grief or support group either online or in person can be enormously supportive.

 More than anything treat yourself with love and kindness during this time, The grief will seem more acute during some times and more subtle during others. May you know deeply, “this too shall pass.”

As always, please share your thoughts, comments, and questions below. Your experiences and additions here provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Grief During and Aftercare of a Miscarriage .

Of all the things a woman may go through, miscarriage may be one of the most poorly understood. You may feel terribly sad, yet alone, because some of the people closest to you simply don't grasp what you're going through.

They may want to empathize, but not know how to relate, especially if they haven’t experienced a miscarriage themselves. They may not comprehend how real your baby was to you, even though you didn't get to hold it.

Here is a brief look at the very real grief that can happen after miscarriage and suggestions for how to move through it.

Recognizing Grief After Miscarriage

Many women blame themselves for miscarriage. The truth is, most miscarriages are outside your control. Try not to add to your grief by blaming yourself.

You may need time to heal emotionally after you lose a baby to miscarriage. It is very normal to grieve, not just for your baby, but also for all of the dreams you had for you and your child. 

Grief takes different forms for different people. You might feel:

• Angry
• Lonely
• Guilty 
• Unmotivated
• Unable to concentrate

You may find it difficult to be around families with healthy infants for a while. Even after you think you’ve moved on, grief can return without warning. The baby’s due date or Mother's Day can bring back old feelings of sorrow and longing. Some women have a resurgence of grief when they get pregnant again.

How long and deeply you grieve depends upon many different factors. For example, grief can be worse if you miscarry later in your pregnancy because you had more time to get attached to your baby.  It’s possible your grief will be deeper and take longer to work through if you were quite far along in planning for your baby, for instance if you picked a name or decorated the nursery.

Getting Support After Miscarriage

Grief may make you feel like retreating, but try to get the support you need right now and in the future.

Support each other. Your spouse or partner may be grieving as well, even if it is hard to recognize. For instance, you may be angry and he may feel numb. Or you may need to talk, while he can’t find words for his feelings. If you're not connecting, seek the help of a counselor who can help you understand and support each other.

Consider a support group. You may find comfort and healing in a support group with others who have also lost a child to miscarriage. Your hospital or health care provider may be able to refer you to a nearby support group. The group, Share: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support:  Hand of Compassion continues to strive to provide the nurturing support to the couples of the time and as well as after care.  Dr. Losito, continue to provide the understanding, direction, and nurturing for all the couples.

Find what works for you. Grief has a way of lasting longer than you think it will. You can give yourself time, you can talk to understanding friends and family, but you can’t rush the grief process. Consider planting a tree, giving to a charity, or finding some other way to memorialize your lost baby. Some women try to get pregnant again soon after they miscarry. Others lead support groups or talk to other women who have had the same experience. If you go easy on yourself and stay open, you will find something that works for you. 

Hand of Compassion and Dr. Losito continues to provide support to all Mother's and Loved one involved with the pregnancy.  

Coping with reminders after a loss

When a loved one dies, you might be faced with grief over your loss again and again — sometimes even years later. Feelings of grief might return on the anniversary of your loved one's death, birthday or other special days throughout the year.

These feelings, sometimes called an anniversary reaction, aren't necessarily a setback in the grieving process. They're a reflection that your loved one's life was important to you.

To continue on the path toward healing, know what to expect — and how to cope with reminders of your loss.

Reminders can be anywhere

Certain reminders of your loved one might be inevitable, especially on holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other special days that follow your loved one's death.

Reminders aren't just tied to the calendar, though. They can be tied to sights, sounds and smells — and they can ambush you. You might suddenly be flooded with emotions when you drive by the restaurant your partner loved or when you hear your child's favorite song. Even memorial celebrations for others can trigger the pain of your own loss.

What to expect when grief returns

Anniversary reactions can last for days at a time or — in more extreme cases — much longer. During an anniversary reaction you might experience:

• Sadness
• Loneliness
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Trouble sleeping
• Fatigue
• Pain

Anniversary reactions can also evoke powerful memories of the feelings and events surrounding your loved one's death. For example, you might remember in great detail where you were and what you were doing when your loved one died.

Tips to cope with reawakened grief

Even years after a loss, you might continue to feel sadness when you're confronted with reminders of your loved one's death. As you continue healing, take steps to cope with reminders of your loss. For example:

• Be prepared. Anniversary reactions are normal. Knowing that you're likely to experience anniversary reactions can help you understand them and even turn them into opportunities for healing.
• Plan a distraction. Schedule a gathering or a visit with friends or loved ones during times when you're likely to feel alone or be reminded of your loved one's death.
• Reminisce about your relationship. Focus on the good things about your relationship with your loved one and the time you had together, rather than the loss. Write a letter to your loved one or a note about some of your good memories. You can add to this note anytime.
• Start a new tradition. Make a donation to a charitable organization in your loved one's name on birthdays or holidays, or plant a tree in honor of your loved one.
• Connect with others. Draw friends and loved ones close to you, including people who were special to your loved one. Find someone who'll encourage you to talk about your loss. Stay connected to your usual support systems, such as spiritual leaders and social groups. Consider joining a bereavement support group.
• Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions. It's OK to be sad and feel a sense of loss, but also allow yourself to experience joy and happiness. As you celebrate special times, you might find yourself both laughing and crying.

When grief becomes overly intense

There's no time limit for grief, and anniversary reactions can leave you reeling. Still, the intensity of grief tends to lessen with time.

If your grief gets worse over time instead of better or interferes with your ability to function in daily life, consult a grief counselor or other mental health provider. Unresolved or complicated grief can lead to depression and other mental health problems. With professional help, however, you can re-establish a sense of control and direction in your life — and return to the path toward healing.

Bereavement and Your Teeth

How Stress Affects Your Oral Health

Excess stress may give you a headache, a stomachache, or just a feeling of being "on edge." But too much stress could also be doing a number on your mouth, teeth, gums, and overall health.

The potential fallout from stress and anxiety that can affect your oral health includes:

• Mouth sores, including canker sores and cold sores
• Clenching of teeth and teeth grinding (bruxism)
• Poor oral hygiene and unhealthy eating routines
• Periodontal (gum) disease or worsening of existing periodontal disease

So how can you prevent these oral health problems?

Mouth Sores

Canker sores -- small ulcers with a white or grayish base and bordered in red -- appear inside the mouth, sometimes in pairs or even greater numbers. Although experts aren't sure what causes them -- it could be immune system problems, bacteria, or viruses -- they do think that stress, as well as fatigue and allergies, can increase the risk of getting them. Canker sores are not contagious.

Most canker sores disappear in a week to 10 days. For relief from the irritation, try over-the-counter topical anesthetics. To reduce irritation, don't eat spicy, hot foods or foods with a high acid content, such as tomatoes or citrus fruits.

Cold sores, also called fever blisters, are caused by the herpes simplex virus and are contagious. Cold sores are fluid-filled blisters that often appear on or around the lips, but can also crop up under the nose or around the chin area.

Emotional upset can trigger an outbreak. So can a fever, a sunburn, or skin abrasion.

Like canker sores, fever blisters often heal on their own in a week or so. Treatment is available, including over-the-counter remedies and prescription antiviral drugs. Ask your doctor or dentist if you could benefit from either. It's important to start treatment as soon as you notice the cold sore forming.

Teeth Grinding

Stress may make you clench and grind your teeth -- during the day or at night, and often subconsciously. Teeth grinding is also known as bruxism.

If you already clench and grind your teeth, stress could make the habit worse. And, grinding your teeth can lead to problems with the temporomandibular joint (TMJ), located in front of the ear where the skull and lower jaw meet.

See your doctor and ask what can be done for the clenching and grinding. Your dentist may recommend a night guard, worn as you sleep, or another appliance to help you stop or minimize the actions.

Christmas Encouragement !

1. Turn Your Criticisms Into Clear Requests

Think of words as emotion-activating agents, and reframe criticisms into requests to produce high- rather than low-energy emotional states in your self and others. Brain fact: Low energy emotions (fear-based) block creative thinking to the extent they intensify, and even worse, activate our automatic defense strategies. When this happens, high levels of cortisol turn off our brain’s learning mode, which may explain why we stop listening when we feel attacked. Rather than saying,”You’re always angry and on the attack,” say the following: “Speak to me in a voice that lets me know you love me when you’re upset.”

2. Describe problems in solution focused language.

Use words to craft that reframe a stubborn problem in solution terms to give your self and others a fresh and energizing perspective. Brain fact: The images that positive action-oriented language energizes in our brain produce action-activating emotions emotion-command neural circuitry and associations that can move us to take action more easily and effortlessly. In contrast, problem-focused language can leave us feeling de-energized, in a rut or states of boredom, which can seem “real” after prolonged use, however, they are simply habits — neural associations — that we have subconsciously formed, stored and reinforced over a period of time. This means they can be unlearned. Rather than “You always leave me to do everything,” say “It’s a privilege to care for our house. I want to do my part to make sure you do not miss out on the great feelings of taking part as a team member in caring for our house.”

3. Replace judgements with curiosity.

Stir thoughts that spawn curiosity instead of criticisms or harsh judgments of yourself or others. Brain fact: Whereas criticisms tend to demotivate and keep us stuck in old thinking and behavior patterns (emotion-command neural circuits that activate fear), curiosity motivates us toward new thoughts or actions, and ones that inspire compassion for our self and others. Over time, finding fault thinking patterns can cause us to get cynical, and lectures and long monologues (for both the giver and recipient!) turn off our brain’s listening mode capacity. Rather than “She’s always so mean today,” say “I wonder if she needed something and didn’t ask.”

4. Use possibility thinking to break a habit.

Consider new ways of thinking to break an annoying habit or problem pattern.  Brain fact: Venting is bad for the brain and creates new neuron pathways to many  more  complaints. Instead of making statements such as, “I never stick with my fitness goals,” say “What new thoughts about exercise or nutrition would change my attitude, and thus allow my brain to associate positive emotion states with something I want it to help me make a regular habit?”

5. Encourage yourself and others often.

Think of encouraging words to say to others, and especially your self, and do so as often as possible. Brain fact: Encouragement activates positive changes in the chemistry of our brains, strengthens our capacity to make conscious shifts away from fear and, instead, toward building greater understanding of what triggers us and making wise, more informed choices. This process ultimately benefits us in many ways, among others, it: (1) takes less work (energy) to make conscious effort to change than hold onto reactivity, defensiveness, grudges, disappointments, etc.; (2) helps us heal past wounds and transform fears into assets; and (3) levels of serotonin and dopamine, which have healthful effects on your health whether you address yourself or others. Instead of “I wish I didn’t have to go to this gathering,” say “I (want to) enjoy learning to get comfortable with uncomfortable actions that stretch me in positive directions.”

6. Give the gift of forgiveness.

If you practice forgiveness for yourself or another, know let go of a grudge, etc., you’re doing your brain and body a big favor. Brain fact: Whereas anger itself is a healthy and even vital emotion (i.e., releases low levels of cortisol that propel us to take positive action to get out of a stuck place or deal with challenges in the way of our goals), holding on to anger can lead to more intense emotions of hatred or rage that release toxic levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Forgiveness is more than a cornerstone of every major faith and tradition. It appears to be a natural ability in every infant and child before language development (where they learn to judge self and others … ); it is also an essential practice that allows us to be in charge of promoting our own personal and relational health. In contrast, prolonged toxic levels of the stress hormone damage our health and can even kill cells prematurely.  Instead of “Why me?” or “I’ll never forgive myself,” learn to let go by saying, “I let go of thoughts of retaliation or wanting another to hurt as they hurt me.”

7. Offer the gift of acceptance.

When forgiveness Is Not An Option, such as when a hurtful behavior continues to occur, offer the gift of acceptance. Brain fact: Conscious acceptance is a learned skill that, when cultivated, brings emotional balance into life. Acceptance liberates your brain to work optimally. It focuses your emotional energy, so you may better access the amazing powers of your cerebral cortex to reflect on possibilities, opt for wise choices, make changes, etc., rather than succumb to the lures and snares of reactivity, limiting beliefs, toxic thinking and other rigid patterns of the mind, which can imprison the otherwise amazing capabilities of the human mind and imagination. Rather than “Why did this happen,” say “I don’t like (or hate) that this happened, I wish things were different, however, I cannot change the past. For my own peace of mind and health, I honor my wish to change this situation, and at the same time let go of having to change it before I can be happy.”

Balance with Hugs

1. The nurturing touch of a hug builds trust and a sense of safety. This helps with open and honest communication.

2. Hugs can instantly boost oxytocin levels, which heal feelings of loneliness, isolation, and anger.

3. Holding a hug for an extended time lifts one's serotonin levels, elevating mood and creating happiness.

4. Hugs strengthen the immune system. The gentle pressure on the sternum and the emotional charge this creates activates the Solar Plexus Chakra. This stimulates the thymus gland, which regulates and balances the body's production of white blood cells, which keep you healthy and disease free.

5. Hugging boosts self-esteem. From the time we're born our family's touch shows us that we're loved and special. The associations of self-worth and tactile sensations from our early years are still imbedded in our nervous system as adults. The cuddles we received from our Mom and Dad while growing up remain imprinted at a cellular level, and hugs remind us at a somatic level of that. Hugs, therefore, connect us to our ability to self love.

6. Hugging relaxes muscles. Hugs release tension in the body. Hugs can take away pain; they soothe aches by increasing circulation into the soft tissues.

7. Hugs balance out the nervous system. The galvanic skin response of someone receiving and giving a hug shows a change in skin conductance. The effect in moisture and electricity in the skin suggests a more balanced state in the nervous system - parasympathetic.

8. Hugs teach us how to give and receive. There is equal value in receiving and being receptive to warmth, as to giving and sharing. Hugs educate us how love flows both ways.

9. Hugs are so much like meditation and laughter. They teach us to let go and be present in the moment. They encourage us to flow with the energy of life. Hugs get you out of your circular thinking patterns and connect you with your heart and your feelings and your breath.

10. The energy exchange between the people hugging is an investment in the relationship. It encourages empathy and understanding. And, it's synergistic, which means the whole is more than the sum of its parts: 1 1 = 3 or more! This synergy is more likely to result in win-win outcomes.

Identifying Negative Thought Patterns

As we are in the second week advent. Let us all work on becoming better with our thoughts for the Birth of Christ fast approaching the us in 15 days.  When in doubt please contact your local mental health provider and or call Dr. Nicholas at 877 867 8556 during the Emergency Room moment.  

Most of all let us rely on Christ our God for the most informable healing and guidance during the of His Birth. 

Notice if you have any of the following negative thoughts about yourself or others. Then identify when these negative thoughts come up most often; particular places, people, or events may be associated with them.

Do you…

1. Reject yourself or others’ ideas or experiences? Say “no” more than “yes”?
2. Criticize yourself or others about thoughts and choices made?
3. Blame yourself or others for your current situation? Do you take responsibility for your current mindset and where you are in your life?
4. Cling to your point of view? Find it hard to see the other side of the story?
5. Cause Conflicts and find that in a disagreement you continue to raise the conflict or bring up more issues that leave things messier than when you started? Are you unable to “let it go”?
6. Resent by being unwilling to forgive yourself or another; get stuck in how it “should be” rather than what it is?
7. Jump the gun and future trip about what negative events will occur or predict that you or someone else will fail?
8. Judge by casting judgement or blame on others, discounting your role in things and/or making unrealistic expectations for yourself or another?

Reclaiming Your Life

This is not easy, but it is possible, and the process is rewarding. First, work to understand that you are more than your mental illness: you are the same person you were before the diagnosis, maybe you are functioning better, and your life is manageable. Recovery has become a state of being and not just a pursuit to achieve it.

It can be beneficial to seek therapy. Talking about how isolated you feel, how you feel you are different from others is helpful. A competent therapist, a therapist that you can feel comfortable with (this is very important), can help you understand that you are not different than others. People are simply different from each other and this is what makes us unique. This is what makes the world an interesting and accomplished place. You are unique, but you are not exclusively unique. Try to think of what makes you special: the things you do for fun, painting or running for example, traits that define you as a person.

You cannot ignore the fact that you have a experienced a loss in your life, you need to treat it effectively, and work to become or stay recovered, but your life, your personality, is much more than the diagnosis that your psychiatrist has written beside your name. If you can do this, then it is possible to connect with others, and not just those who have a mental illness, people that were your friends before the diagnosis, and the new ones you will meet after.