What Can I Do if My Grief Won't Go Away?

If grief continues and causes a prolonged and deep depression with physical symptoms such as poor sleep, loss of appetite, weight loss, and even thoughts of suicide, you may have a condition known as complicated bereavement. Talk with your doctor as soon as possible. For Added Support Dr. Losito can provide support through Skype. Dr. Losito's can be contact at mentalhealthguy  Sometimes, a major depression can develop along with the normal feelings of loss or sadness linked with grief. Whereas normal sadness as part of a grief reaction may subside after several months, major depression is a medical disorder that is different from normal grief, can occur at any time (even in the immediate aftermath of a death of loss), and requires treatment to be resolved.

Prayer Requested

Every time I train healthcare professionals about ethical and respectful spiritual care for persons of all faiths, backgrounds, or even no faith, I’m ALWAYS asked this question:

“What do I do if they ask me to pray?”

Nurses, aids, physicians, and volunteers most frequently ask this, and I greatly respect them for doing so!  We want to neither neglect persons’ R/S/E (Religious/Spiritual/Existential) needs nor abuse our position of “power” in the caregiving relationship by overstepping boundaries. I train professionals to, among other things, find the “Sweet Spot” in spiritual care.

The “Sweet Spot” is that space in the middle from which we learn what patients and families believe, then help them access their beliefs to find meaning, peace, and comfort. 

The fact that they want to handle such moments thoughtfully indicates a humility and compassion in care-giving that bodes well for their professionalism and their ability to avoid either extreme of what I call “spiritual malpractice”.

Even professional, clinically trained spiritual care counselors (chaplains) are taught to tread carefully when offering prayer.  We do not want persons to feel obligated to accept because they don’t feel comfortable telling us “No”.  So what DO we do in those moments?

1.)  Start with a patient-centered view–I believe that merely wanting to prevent harm by respecting a patient or family member’s boundaries and honoring their views is well over half the battle.  So we’re already off to a good start!

2.)  Let them initiate–Many fear that NOT offering to pray may offend or abandon a person who is in distress, but there is another way.

Even as a hospice chaplain, the member of the team MOST expected to offer prayer, I’ll simply state at the first visit, “Some persons want to talk, others want me to sing or read meaningful texts with them, some just want to sit quietly, some want me to pray, and others just want to play checkers.  Whatever it is you would like, I’m happy to do.”

Before I leave, I’ll ask if there’s anything else I can do for them.  At that point, some ask me to pray while others do not.  I indicate my willingness, and they can choose whether or when to ask.  What I am willing to give freely, I must be willing to never have requested.

Since this is their journey, their illness, their process, their life and it IS all about them, I get to have no ego invested here.  I trust them to take the lead by asking for what they need.  If I offer directly to pray, it can be very hard for them to refuse, even if they absolutely do not want me to do so.

That is why I recommend non-spiritual care professionals allow the request to come from the patient or family.  They may have never felt comfortable setting boundaries.

Now, at perhaps the most emotionally and physically vulnerable time of their lives, they may be even more wary of telling the persons bringing the good drugs, help with bathing and Medicare forms, supplies, support for their families, etc. “No” and risk offending us. 

There are creative ways to be available without putting them in that awkward position.

3.)  Determine your own comfort zone–Some professionals ask me the “do I pray” question with a deer in the headlights look!  Praying aloud is not their thing, yet they don’t want to feel like a clod and abandon someone in pain if they ask for prayer.

If you do NOT feel comfortable praying aloud, here is a sample response that can be said apologetically and gently:

“Praying out loud isn’t something I’m (comfortable with / good at / experienced with, etc.)  But I’d be happy to sit with you and hold your hand while we both pray in silence or you while pray aloud.  And I’ll definitely be holding you in my heart.”

If it feels appropriate, you can also offer to call for one of us!  “You know, this is what our spiritual care counselor (chaplain) is trained to do. May I call on him/her?”

4.)  Find their words–If you DO feel comfortable praying aloud, make sure you know how to pray in a way that honors the patient / family member’s beliefs.  The quickest and simplest way to do that is to ask,

“How do you typically begin and end your prayers?”      

Using the language that is comfortable for them honors their right to choose or refuse medical interventions and, since we’re talking about healthcare settings and professional relationships here, that’s what this is!  This prayer is for them, not for us, and they deserve to lead the way.

It is also important to ask them what they would like you to pray for.  If they ask you to pray for healing, ask them what healing looks like to them.  Then, equipped with words from their own heart, you can offer those words back, out loud, as a prayer that respects their needs.

Even if you fumble, most people can tell when we are honestly trying to be respectful, and they so appreciate the heck out of that they can typically overlook imperfect attempts to meet them where they are.

It’s important to note that I’m not asking you to deny your own faith or views.  For some, the two are not mutually exclusive.  But for others, it is simply too big of a leap from what feels do-able for them.  That’s ok!  That’s why you have someone on the team who IS trained to be able to care for the needs of persons of all views.

Part of our professional responsibility is knowing when to “refer out”.  There is no shame in doing so.  The only shame would be to, even if well-intentioned, cause harm to those for whom we are committed to honor and care.

If you do not feel you can comfortably be with them using their words, it is completely acceptable to refer back to #3 above and then call for the spiritual care counselor (chaplain)!  There is no reason for anyone, patient or professional, to suffer offense here.

5.)  Follow up–It is good practice to touch base with the spiritual care counselor (chaplain) with whom you work.  If a patient tells me they’re having a physical symptom, I call the nurse and let him or her know.  If they’re struggling with family dynamics, I contact the social worker.

It’s no different if someone expresses spiritual symptoms.  Coordinating care with the professional responsible for overseeing that aspect of a patient’s treatment plan is important and respects interprofessional boundaries.

I’ll write more about honoring and finding the “Sweet Spot” in spiritual care another day.  

For now, I hope something of this is helpful to you as we all seek to care well for that sacred trust placed in us by persons walking a tremendous journey who deserve nothing less than our very best skills.

Grief During and Aftercare of a Miscarriage .

Of all the things a woman may go through, miscarriage may be one of the most poorly understood. You may feel terribly sad, yet alone, because some of the people closest to you simply don't grasp what you're going through.

They may want to empathize, but not know how to relate, especially if they haven’t experienced a miscarriage themselves. They may not comprehend how real your baby was to you, even though you didn't get to hold it.

Here is a brief look at the very real grief that can happen after miscarriage and suggestions for how to move through it.

Recognizing Grief After Miscarriage

Many women blame themselves for miscarriage. The truth is, most miscarriages are outside your control. Try not to add to your grief by blaming yourself.

You may need time to heal emotionally after you lose a baby to miscarriage. It is very normal to grieve, not just for your baby, but also for all of the dreams you had for you and your child. 

Grief takes different forms for different people. You might feel:

• Angry
• Lonely
• Guilty 
• Unmotivated
• Unable to concentrate

You may find it difficult to be around families with healthy infants for a while. Even after you think you’ve moved on, grief can return without warning. The baby’s due date or Mother's Day can bring back old feelings of sorrow and longing. Some women have a resurgence of grief when they get pregnant again.

How long and deeply you grieve depends upon many different factors. For example, grief can be worse if you miscarry later in your pregnancy because you had more time to get attached to your baby.  It’s possible your grief will be deeper and take longer to work through if you were quite far along in planning for your baby, for instance if you picked a name or decorated the nursery.

Getting Support After Miscarriage

Grief may make you feel like retreating, but try to get the support you need right now and in the future.

Support each other. Your spouse or partner may be grieving as well, even if it is hard to recognize. For instance, you may be angry and he may feel numb. Or you may need to talk, while he can’t find words for his feelings. If you're not connecting, seek the help of a counselor who can help you understand and support each other.

Consider a support group. You may find comfort and healing in a support group with others who have also lost a child to miscarriage. Your hospital or health care provider may be able to refer you to a nearby support group. The group, Share: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support:  Hand of Compassion continues to strive to provide the nurturing support to the couples of the time and as well as after care.  Dr. Losito, continue to provide the understanding, direction, and nurturing for all the couples.

Find what works for you. Grief has a way of lasting longer than you think it will. You can give yourself time, you can talk to understanding friends and family, but you can’t rush the grief process. Consider planting a tree, giving to a charity, or finding some other way to memorialize your lost baby. Some women try to get pregnant again soon after they miscarry. Others lead support groups or talk to other women who have had the same experience. If you go easy on yourself and stay open, you will find something that works for you. 

Hand of Compassion and Dr. Losito continues to provide support to all Mother's and Loved one involved with the pregnancy.  

Post Bereavement Thoughts

 

 

Yes I can recognizes Life that is not near than near. On 14 Feb 1996, Death came to my doorstep unannounced. This was a day Really Really Changed my siblings, nieces, and nephew's lives.  

While the One I loved ran away when I needed that person's support and understanding.

 

I miss you Pop on this day of your anniversary of your death.

 

 

 

God's Healing Hand Is Upon Us !

Are you grieving?
God cares that you hurt.

It’s OK to grieve, but we don’t have to grieve alone; God understands our pain and wants to comfort us. In fact, He says He will never leave us if we put our trust in Him.
Do you want to experience God’s comfort – today and every day? Read below for more.

1. God loves you and has a plan for you!

The Bible says, “God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, [Jesus Christ], that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life” (John 3:16).
Jesus said, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” — a complete life full of purpose (John 10:10).
But here’s the problem:

2. Man is sinful and separated from God.

We have all done, thought or said bad things, which the Bible calls “sin.” The Bible says, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).
The result of sin is death, spiritual separation from God (Romans 6:23).
The good news?

3. God sent His Son to die for your sins!

Jesus died in our place so we could live with Him in eternity.
“God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).
But it didn’t end with His death on the cross. He rose again and still lives!
“Christ died for our sins. … He was buried. … He was raised on the third day, according to the Scriptures.” (1 Corinthians 15:3-4).
Jesus is the only way to God.
Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me” (John 14:6).

4. Would you like to receive God’s forgiveness?

We can’t earn salvation; we are saved by God’s grace when we have faith in His Son, Jesus Christ. All you have to do is believe you are a sinner, that Christ died for your sins, and ask His forgiveness. He knows you and loves you. What matters to Him is the attitude of your heart, your honesty. We suggest praying the following prayer to accept Christ as your Savior:

“Lord Jesus Christ,

I am sorry for the things I have done wrong in my life. I ask your forgiveness and now turn from everything which I know is wrong. Thank you for dying on the cross for me to set me free from my sins. Please come into my life and fill me with your Holy Spirit and be with me forever.

Thank you, Lord Jesus.

Amen.”

Did you pray this prayer?

Working the Positive Path

Being with the Most Positive Thoughts have been being in front of Christ our God in the Most Holy Blessed Sacrament of the Altar. 

Being with Christ our God Is the Most Beneficial means to remain positive during the days of Celebration of His Holy Birth and beyond into the New Year.  

He is our Enteral Physician ! 

Consequently, you can add these items as well into your path of Happiness.

I want to share my path to positive thinking. Maybe the steps I took can help you reach your goal of bringing more positivity into your life.

• I surrounded myself with like-minded positive people and had to actively shift some of my relationships. I brought those with positive energy closer and devoted less time to those who were bringing me down.
• Instead of looking at tasks as a burden, I started to make things fun. The have-to’s can be exciting. Instead of dreading the gym, I rented a bike and explored New York City. Rather than avoiding chores, I make them a game and wound up smiling the whole time.
• I became grateful. Instead of looking at the past with regret, I have tried to reprogram my thoughts. I am now grateful for many of the experiences because they have taught me so much. I remind myself about what I learned from the friendship/relationship that ended. I look for the things that I am thankful for and appreciative of and remind myself of these things when I am feeling a wave of negativity. It shifts my mindset.
• I found purpose. I began finding and attracting others who shared my mindset, not in a therapeutic sense, but who desired to make the world a more positive place. I have friends who are not in the helping profession, yet make it their intention everyday to do something that can change the world in some way, and maintain positive thinking. A friend of mine is an illustrator. She helps authors make their stories come to life. Another is a consultant. He helps small businesses become profitable. Their intentions are to find positivity in their work. This energy is exuded to those around them.

Some tools may work for you, others may not, but be gentle with yourself. Try shifting your negative mindset subtly. Remember, the goal is to find your path to positive thinking that lasts a lifetime.

GRIEF NEVER ENDS ....

Love Leaves A Memory

Psalm 63:3

No One Is Like You, Lord !

Following Jeremiah's statement will increase life before and after any circumstance we will encounter in life. In the Year of Faith let each one of us be reminded of the Prophet Jeremiah's statement in Chapter 10 verse 6.

Trust In God !

Memorial Day Daily Remembrances

It is our duty as the living to remember our Loved Ones, Naval Personnel and Soldiers, and Holy Ones that have left an impression into our lives. The day of Memory is slated for one day in the year, but the Memory must be remembered each day of our waking lives. When the Memory is kept alive our beloved will provide intercessory dialogues and prayers with Christ our God.

A Very Important note is to remember our loved ones that are experiencing a chaos, crisis, and a tough road to travel more often now, than ever !

Memory to each person you meet in your daily travels will provide a better entrance into the narrow door of life.

 

Prayer from San Francesco

Endure the Strom

Hears More than we ask

 

Martyr of the Faith.

I pray for the Soto family for their loss of Victoria a daughter, sister, Tia, and Trusting woman martyr of Faith, Trust, Protector of her students, friends, and the holy innocents.

Just Have Faith In Yourself.

With Great Confidence !

Never Give Up !

Leave Everything to the Holy Spirit

Are you facing a challenge or a difficult problem? The prayer to the Holy Spirit can help you handle it with grace.
When Jesus told the apostles at the Last Supper that the Holy Spirit (pictured at left as He is often symbolized, as a dove) would instruct them in His Word and be their advocate and comforter, He meant for His Spirit to help us as well.
We can see right away how simply and elegantly the prayer to the Holy Spirit
invokes His aid:


Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Your faithful
And kindle in them the fire of Your love
V: Send forth Your Spirit and they shall be created
R: And You shall renew the face of the earth
Let us Pray:
O God, Who instructed the hearts of the faithful by the light of the Holy Spirit, Grant us in the same Spirit to be truly wise and ever rejoice in His consolation. Through Christ, our Lord. Amen
The prayer to the Holy Spirit is also called Come Holy Spirit (or Come Holy Ghost, another name for the Holy Spirit) in some prayer books and websites. Its verse and response lines make this a wonderful addition to any set of group prayers. You can pray it alone as well.
The verse and response lines are taken from Psalm 104:30 (Psalm 103 in some older versions of the Bible) describing God’s sending forth His Spirit as He creates “all that is seen and unseen,” as we pray in the Nicene Creed.

(Keep in mind as always, to avoid confusion, that when we speak of God we are referring to Him in three Divine Persons, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, acting as one.)
The reference to fire brings to mind the Holy Spirit’s essential role in the creation not only of the world, (“moving about the face of the waters,” from Genesis 1:2) but also of the Church as well! We read in the Acts of the Apostles how the Holy Spirit came as “tongues as of fire” (Acts 2:3) enlightening the disciples to spread God’s Word with power and love.

Fire is a particularly fitting image. Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen once noted that “fire has two great qualities: light and heat. Light is the symbol of truth. Heat is the symbol of love.”

When you’re “on fire” about something, aren’t you passionate about it? We are called to be that way in expressing our love for God’s truth in how we live and spread our Faith!
The prayer to the Holy Spirit has an intriguing variation, shown below:

Lord, by the light of the Holy Spirit You have taught the hearts of your faithful. In the same Spirit help us to relish what is right andalways rejoice in His consolation. Through Christ, our Lord. Amen
We see how being “truly wise” (as in the first example of the prayer to the Holy Spirit above) allows us to “relish what is right” (as in the second example)! It’s important in this regard for us to try to grasp God’s meaning of wisdom and righteousness, however.

As St. Paul put it “the wisdom of the world is foolishness to God” (1 Cor 3:19). Valuing power, prestige, and possessions above everything and everyone else, with little or no thoughts for God and His desires for us is indeed foolish. As our Lord said once, it is like building a house on a foundation of sand (Matt 7: 26). We can’t equate status with wisdom.

Do you know people who are very clever, full of worldly wisdom, and yet are duplicitous? You can’t really trust them but they’re “good at politics.” (You might think of these people in less than Christian language!) Perhaps you’ve been like that on occasion!
(And speaking of worldly wisdom, how often do some of our worldly desires wind up being mainly about gratifying our animal instincts? Should we be surprised then when we feel like we’re living in a “dog-eat-dog” world or in a “rat race”?)