Dealing With Grief

Risk Factors

Medical research has not identified what causes complicated grief or who may be more susceptible. However, there are some established situations where a person is more likely to develop prolonged grief. These include:

• An unexpected or especially violent death
• Lack of a support system – either family or close friends
• Suicide of a loved one
• Childhood separation from parents or loved ones
• Dependent relationship with the deceased loved one
• History of childhood abuse or neglect
• Being unprepared for the loss
• Experiencing multiple losses within a short period of time

These factors may indicate a situation where prolonged grief can occur. However, some people will not experience prolonged grief even when they are exposed to one or more of these situations. The best way to diagnose complicated grief is to carefully monitor your loved one and make sure that the symptoms of grief subside over time.

Symptoms

As mentioned previously, the initial symptoms of complicated grief are similar to those of normal grief. For the first few months, normal grief and complicated grief are often indistinguishable. The difference occurs because the symptoms of normal grief begin to disappear over time while the signs of complicated often linger or worsen.

Other signs of chronic grief include:

• Obsessive focus on the loss or on reminders of the lost loved one
• Intense yearning for the deceased
• Numbness or detachment from the outside world or from inner emotions
• Preoccupation with personal grief
• Bitterness or anger
• Inability to find pleasure in life
• Depression
• Inability to carry out normal routines
• Lack of trust in others
• No motivation to attend social events
• Feeling that life has no meaning or purpose

Mother's Day

I know Mother's Day is hard for many of my friends. Know that I love you and you are in my prayers with many healing hugs of care and concern for as ll at this most sensitive moment in history.

For a Total Healing of  heart, mind, and soul. 

A healing bereavement process . . .

Grieving is allowing yourself to feel all the emotions and pain of your loss—the anger, the loneliness, the despair, etc. Some people think if they start crying they’ll never stop, but they will stop because crying will help them heal. It may not feel like it in the moment, but crying is a cleansing process.

A healing bereavement process . . .
For me grief has been a process of allowing myself to feel the depths of my pain and then finding a way to get those emotions outside of my body. The feelings of pain that come with a loss are a natural part of being human. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel them, we deny them and stuff them down, where they fester in our unconscious. In grieving, we bring those emotions to the surface and allow ourselves to feel them.

A healthy bereavement process will then find safe ways to let the emotions out. Creativity has been a very helpful way to do this for many people. Journaling, music, photography, painting, scrapbook making can all be ways that allow us to name our experience and bring our emotions out of our bodies.

A therapist friend of mine told me that she was seeing a client whose husband had died. The client was working through her pain by making scrapbooks about her husband. The client had a teenage son who was having a very hard time dealing with his father’s death. My friend referred him to a male counselor who had also lost his father as a teenager.

Several months later my friend met up with this counselor, and she asked him how the teenage boy was doing. He said, “Oh, he is doing great—he took up scrapbooking too!” I am quite sure this teenager never imagined that he would one day be scrapbooking. And I never imagined that I would have a book of photography and poetry published either. But grief has a way of taking people places they never imagined.

Healthy bereavement is a series of choices. In the early stages a statement like that doesn’t make sense—your pain is not a choice. But for healing to happen choices are made to grieve and then choices are made to process all the messy emotions of grief and then more choices are made to move into a new sense of life and well-being. However, it is always important to remember that each person’s journey is unique, and their timetable is their own.

A Poem: I Miss YOU.

In this moment in time as the Holy Days draws closer. I find that many are yearning for loved ones and dear friends to continue to be around in a physical way. Unfortunately, they can not be near in a physical way, but can be with them in a very soothing  way in the spiritual realms. 

The Important Factor is our loved ones are with each one of us in a way we all can remember, while they were still among the living and with us. 

Continue to keep each one of your loved one close near your heart, mind, and souls during the Holy Days that will bring us the gift of life and draw happiness with us that our loved ones are interceding for each one of during the days, which do not provide happiness and care. 

Here are a few of my dear loved ones that I continue to remember during the times life does not collaborate for me.

Pop, Little Pop & Nonna Fannie, Zia Rosa, Zio Felix, Zio Michelangelo, Mother Josephina, Cardinal John, Father Andrew,  Father Romalo, and Ed and Marge.

These were the Ancient Ones, who provided care, love, and direction in my life to become the man I am today.

I continue to ask for their Intercessions during the Holy Days of Christmas. I am sure you have loved ones that you continue to ask assistance through daily intercessions to provide each one of you a sense of comfort and joy in all of your daily ways of life. 

Of Course; all of you are encouraged to contact Dr. Nicholas, when there is a fine tuning required.

A Pre Bereavement Prayer

Three Very Beautiful Prayers Start with the Our Father
 
Which are very useful to a dying person, and should be prayed often as an act of mercy.
There once was a Pope in Rome who was surrounded by many sins.  The Lord God struck him with a fatal illness.  When he saw that he was dying he summoned Cardinals, Bishops and learned persons and said to them:  “My dear friends! What comfort can you give me now that I must die, and when I deserve eternal damnation for my sins?”  No one answered him.  One of them, a pious curate named John, said: “Father, why do you doubt the Mercy of God?”  The Pope replied: “What comfort can you give me now that I must die and fear that I’ll be damned for my sins?” John replied:  “I’ll read three prayers over you; I hope, you’ll be comforted and that you’ll obtain Mercy from God.”  The Pope was unable to say more.  The curate and all those present knelt and said an Our Father, then the following prayers:
 
Prayer 1.
Lord Jesus Christ!  Thou Son of God and Son of the Virgin Mary, God and Man, Thou who in fear sweated blood for us on the Mount of Olives in order to bring peace, and to offer Thy Most Holy Death to God Thy Heavenly Father for the salvation of this dying person…  If it be, however, that by his sins he merits eternal damnation, then may it be deflected from him.  This, O Eternal Father through Our Lord Jesus Christ, Thy Dear Son, Who liveth and reigneth in union with The Holy Spirit now and forever.  Amen.
 
Prayer 2.
Lord Jesus Christ!  Thou who meekly died on the trunk of the Cross for us, submitting Thy Will completely to Thy Heavenly Father in order to bring peace and to offer Thy most Holy Death to Thy Heavenly Father in order to free…(this person)…and to hide from him what he has earned with his sins; grant this O Eternal Father!  Through Our Lord Jesus Thy Son, who liveth and reigneth with Thee in union with the Holy Spirit now and forever.  Amen.
 
Prayer 3.
Lord Jesus Christ!  Thou Who remained silent to speak through the mouths of the Prophets;  I have drawn Thee to me through Eternal Love, which love drew Thee from Heaven into the body of the Virgin, which love drew Thee from the body of the Virgin into the valley of this needful world, which Love kept Thee 33 years in this world, and as a sign of Great Love, Thou hast given Thy drink, as a sign of great love, Thou has consented to be a prisoner and to be led from one judge to another and as a sign of great love Thou has consented to be condemned to death, and hast consented to die and to be buried and truly rise, and appeared to Thy Holy Mother and all the Holy Apostles, and as a sign of great love Thou hast ascended, under Thy own strength and power, and sitteth at the right hand of God Thy heavenly Father, and Thou has sent Thy Holy Spirit into the heart of Thy Apostles and the hearts of all who hope and believe in Thee.  Through Thy sign of Eternal love, open heaven today and take this dying person… and all his sins into the realm of Thy Heavenly Father, that he may reign with Thee now and forever.  Amen.
 
Meanwhile the Pope died.  The curate persevered to the third hour, then the Pope appeared to him in body and comforting him; his countenance as brilliant as the sun, his clothes as white as snow, and he said:  “My dear brother!  Whereas I was supposed to be a child of damnation I’ve become a child of happiness.  As you recited the first prayer many of my sins fell from me as rain from Heaven, and as you recited the second Prayer I was purified, as a goldsmith purifies gold in a hot fire.  I was still further purified as you recited the third prayer.  Then I saw Heaven open and the Lord Jesus standing on the Right Hand of God the Father who said to me:  “Come, all thy sins are forgiven thee, you’ll be and remain in the realm of My Father forever.  Amen!”
 
With these words my soul separated from my body and the angels of God led it to Eternal Joy.
As the curate heard this he said: “O Holy Father! I can’t tell these things to anyone, for they won’t believe me.”  Then the Pope said: “Truly I tell thee, the Angel of God stands with me and has written the prayers in letters of gold for the consolement of all sinners.  If a person had committed all the sins in the world, but that the three prayers shall have been read (over him) at his end (death), all his sins wil be forgiven him, even though his soul was supposed to suffer until the Last Judgement, it will be redeemed (freed).
The person who hears them read, he won’t die an unhappy death also in whose house they will be read.  Therefore take these prayers and carry them into St. Peter’s Basilica and lay them in the Chapel named the Assumption of Mary, for certain consolation.  The person who will be near death, who reads them or hears them read gains 400 years indulgence for the days he was supposed to suffer in Purgatory because of his guilt.  Also who reads this prayer or hears it read, the hour of his death shall be revealed to him. Amen!

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Comfort Yourself.

1. Stretch your body.
Anxiety tends to hijack the body. While everyone stores anxiety in different spots, common areas are the jaw, hips and shoulders, according to Anna Guest-Jelley, a body empowerment educator, yoga teacher and founder of Curvy Yoga. She suggested standing up and doing a full-body stretch. “Reach your arms overhead then slowly fold forward [and] slowly open and close your mouth as you do.”
2.Take a shower.
Taking a shower after a rough day always makes Darlene Mininni, Ph.D, MPH, author of The Emotional Toolkit, feel better. And she’s certainly not alone. Now research is illuminating why cleansing may wash away our woes.
Mininni cited this interesting review, which notes “a growing body of research suggests…after people cleanse themselves, they feel less guilty about their past moral transgressions, less conflicted about recent decisions, and are less influenced by recent streaks of good or bad luck.”
3. Visualize a peaceful image.
The image you pick can be anything from the sun to ocean waves to a furry friend, Guest-Jelley said. She suggested combining the visualization with breath, and repeating the sequence several times. As you inhale and reach your arms out in front of you, hold the image in your mind, she said. Then exhale and bring both hands to your heart, all the while thinking of the image, she said.
4. Speak compassionately to yourself.
Being self-compassionate boosts mental health, Mininni said. (Some research even suggests that it helps you reach your goals.) This means extending yourself some kindness as you would to a good friend, she said.
Unfortunately, being self-compassionate doesn’t come naturally to many of us. Fortunately, you can learn to treat yourself with consideration and care. Here are some ideas on being kinder to yourself and cultivating self-compassion.
5. Reach out.
Reach out to people you trust to support you. “We are wired to connect with others and to comfort each other through emotional and physical connection,” said Julie Hanks, LCSW, a therapist and blogger at Psych Central.
6. Ground yourself.
When stress strikes, some people feel lightheaded or like they’re floating outside their bodies, Guest-Jelley said. Making a point to feel your feet against the ground can help, she said. “Grounding your feet can bring you back into your body and help you navigate what you want to do next,” she said. “Visualize thick roots growing down from your feet into the center of the Earth, rooting you and giving you a firm foundation.”
7. Listen to soothing music.
“Create a playlist of soothing songs that help you to slow down or connect with memories or positive experiences,” Hanks said. We’ve mentioned before the benefits of listening to calming music. Pairing soothing tunes with deep breathing helps, too, according to one study, which found it lowered blood pressure.
8. Practice mindfulness.
To practice mindfulness, “You don’t need to sit like a pretzel,” Mininni said. Simply focus on what you’re doing right now, whether that’s washing the dishes, walking to your car or sitting at your desk, she said. Pay attention to the sights, scents and sounds surrounding you, she said.
For instance, if you’re washing the dishes, focus on the scent of the soap and the hot water cascading from the faucet and onto your hands, she said.
Mininni applies mindfulness to her feelings. In the moment, she asks herself what her emotion feels like. Doing this actually allows her to detach from her feelings and thoughts and simply observe them as if she were watching a movie. This helps you get out of your head and into your body, she said.
9. Move your body.
According to Hanks, “If you’re feeling tempted to engage in self-destructive behavior to calm down, engage in something positive and active, like exercise or playing a physical game.”
10. Picture the positive.
When we’re anticipating a potentially stressful situation, we start thinking of all the different ways it can go wrong. Again, you can use visualization to your advantage. “To pull yourself out of [an] internal dramalogue, try imagining the situation going well,” Guest-Jelley said. “Feel what you want to feel in the moment and see yourself disengaging from tricky conversations [and] situations,” she said.
11. Zoom out.
Look at the situation or stressor from a bigger perspective, Hanks said. “When you’re in the moment, current challenges seem enormous, but placing your situation into the ‘bigger picture’ of your life may help you realize that you may not need to give it so much emotional energy,” she said.
For instance, she suggested asking yourself: “Will this matter in one year? In fie years? When I reach the end of my life, how important will this situation be in retrospect?”
12. Practice alternate nostril breathing.
Breathing techniques are an instant way to soothe your body. Taking deep, slow breaths tells your brain that everything is OK, which then calms the rest of the body. Guest-Jelley suggested going through this series:

• Using your dominant hand, “make a U-shape with your thumb and pointer finger.
• If you’re using your right hand, press your right thumb into your right nostril, gently closing it. Inhale through your left nostril.
• Next, press your right index finger against your left nostril, closing it, as you release your thumb from the right nostril – allowing yourself to exhale through the right nostril.
• Repeat by inhaling through the right nostril, then closing it and exhaling through the left nostril.
• Continue like this for at least 10 full breaths.”

13. Let yourself feel bad.
Remember that you don’t have to fix your feelings right away. It’s important to have a toolbox of healthy strategies to turn to at any time. But don’t feel guilty for feeling bad or fault yourself if you aren’t seeing rainbows and unicorns.
Mininni stressed the importance of giving yourself permission to acknowledge and honor your feelings and stay with them. “Sometimes it’s OK to just say I’m having a really crappy day,” she said.

The Sun Shines Again

Let Go !

You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what Dr. Losito is talking about.

Significant Differences Can Repair Life.

What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the term “Mindful Recovery?”

Is it Addiction? Trauma? Depression? Or maybe something else?

Maybe it’s all of those things, but I’m going to pose this moment to be a time to look back on the last year and ask yourself, “What afflictions have I suffered this year that I am in recovery for?” Maybe this last year you let stress get the best of you? Maybe your relationship slipped this past year as you got roped into more television programs or Facebook addictions. Maybe you did slip into abuse with drugs, alcohol, sex, work, or overly accommodating people in life who abuse you.

What’s going to be different in the coming hours, days, weeks and months ahead?

Perhaps the simplest path is to make the intention an awareness of the moments you get sucked into these destructive behaviors that you want to change. In this space of awareness we draw a second intention which is to get curious about what the feeling is that you’re trying to escape from.

I think where we make our greatest error is when we make those resolutions that say, “I’m going to go the gym more, meditate more, start playing guitar or bring the romance back.” This jumps the gun. There are so many steps that occur before taking action with any of these things. There’s already a built up resistance to them and to skip over that is a recipe for failure.

What if these changes you wanted to make were couched in less immediacy? It’s helpful to actually understand what going on with the auto-pilot that lives within each one of us.

Here’s 7 steps to get underneath the hood and give yourself the change of making real change last:

1. Set a date to do whatever it is you want to do. Whether it’s the gym, yoga, spending more time with family, or getting all the alcohol out of the house.
2. When that time comes, don’t do anything, just take a seat or lie down.
3. Open up to the body, what is being experienced? What’s the urge? What emotions are there? Just open up without judgment, exploring this with curiosity, as if this was the first time you were getting to know yourself.
4. Know you are the ocean, not the waves and urge surf. In other words, watch the sensations and emotions rise, peak and eventually fall.
5. Put your hand on your heart and thank yourself for taking time out of all your daily busy-ness for your own health and well-being.
6. Engage with whatever it is you wanted to engage with even if there’s only a few minutes left.
7. Repeat the practice several times over and over again.

See if you can release whatever judgments are arising in your mind right now about whether this will or will not work. Don’t let yourself be enslaved by the judgments, instead let your experience be your best teacher. This is your year for a mindful recovery

A Rebuilding of Healing.

“For many people, an affair is deeply traumatizing [and] some marriages can’t recover from it,” said Jason Seidel, PsyD, founder and director of The Colorado Center for Clinical Excellence in Denver. But if you decide to work on your relationship post-affair, you must accept a hard truth: Another affair can happen. This is the paradox of healing, Seidel said.

Often, partners who’ve been cheated on will demand full access to their spouse’s email, cell phone records, Facebook and other accounts (or they’ll sneak around to get the access), he said. They see this as legitimate and essential to helping reestablish trust in the relationship. A common belief is “How could I ever trust you again unless you give me full access?”

While this thinking is understandable, it simply doesn’t work.


The real issue, at the core, is self-protection. Partners cling to the idea that if they have all the information and control enough of their partner’s life, they’ll somehow be spared another betrayal, Seidel said. (Some partners also will take this distrust into new relationships, where they automatically doubt the person and almost prepare themselves for infidelity, he said.)

But the reality is that “no amount of access satisfies the need,” and it’s a “false sense of security.” While it might seem contradictory, to fully heal and rebuild your relationship, partners need to relinquish control of their spouse’s behavior.

Clutching to controlling ways only distances you more from your partner and stalls progress. It “undermines your partner’s willingness to own up to their behavior” or feel remorseful or accountable. It creates a counterattack that disrupts healing, Seidel said.

Of course, other work is required, too. “Affairs don’t happen in relationships that are strong to begin with,” Seidel said, who works with couples on a number of issues that plague the relationship. This “may take a tremendous amount of effort.”

One of the key elements of recovering and healing from an affair is to “drop into your grief and grieve the relationship you thought you had.” It also involves “grieving the loss of your naïveté.” The other partner must honor this grieving process and not rush it, he said.

In time, the “wounded partner” also needs to look inward and decide whether they’re able to open their heart to their partner again — and whether they’ll be OK if another betrayal occurs. But this doesn’t mean closing your eyes if you sense your partner is being dishonest or “not working on making amends or really understanding what happened,” he said.

Seidel’s other advice to betrayed partners is to accept that your powers are limited, get clear on your own boundaries and build up resources like social support.

The partners who cheated also have a difficult time post-affair. Unless the affair is done in “a callous and cavalier way,” they often struggle with a “sense of devastation, deep shame and fear.” They lose their sense of self, in part because they didn’t believe that they were the type to commit adultery. The best way to heal and “process these particular emotions may be in individual therapy where the unfaithful partner can sort through them with less defensiveness,” Seidel said.

Again, healing after an affair and rebuilding the relationship requires the effort of both partners, along with the difficult acceptance that ultimately another betrayal could happen, “and if so, where will you be in terms of your resources and your sense of strength to move on?”