The D Vs the D

You have all heard of denial and that in most cases it is not good for your mental health to be adherent. Denial is a defense mechanism designed to help you avoid or process at your own pace new, scary, difficult or overwhelming information about yourself or a certain situation. This can be ok as it serves as a buffer to process these things, as you are able. For instance you may receive a diagnosis of depression or bipolar depression that may feel like too much to think about right then, say nothing about formulate a plan to address it.

This is an example of immediate denial and as stated before that can be ok. Long-term denial of problems that are obvious to others is a different story, and that is the type that usually harms you to some degree. Missing work due to drinking too much, isolating yourself due to depression or fears of going out and making excuses about “just being tired” or “too busy” are examples of this. When combined with behaviors designed to perpetuate the excuses, it becomes a lifestyle before you know it. But not a healthy, fun and creative lifestyle, rather one based in fear and unsuccessful attempts at control. A life that at any moment can spiral out of control.

Dysfunctional families are often seething pits of denial, carrying many generations of emotional baggage forward that goes unaddressed and causes major unhappiness for family members. There may be a sophisticated group of evasive behaviors in place to allow family members not to have to deal with the real problems. You know somewhere inside there is something wrong. It does not have to stay this way, armed with the right tools and the right help you can break free from these unhealthy cycles.

In my previous post on self-soothing, I talk about how to help yourself feel better, calm yourself and become mindful of what is going on with you.  Having these skills in your emotional toolbox can enable you to deal with uncomfortable information about yourself and make headway on seeking the proper help.

A specific skill I discuss is the ability to distract yourself, and I have been frequently asked whether that is just another form of denial. It is not.  Distracting yourself is a deliberate behavior you employ to feel better for the time being. It frees up your mind for a bit and can help break the cycles of rumination that get you nowhere. It allows your brain a breather. It can also allow your whole body a breather as your physiological processes get unbalanced when you are constantly stressed. Your thoughts bring about this stress so allowing your thoughts to wander to something more pleasant is not being in denial, it is helping yourself.

If you are in one bad relationship after another, always choosing the “wrong” person and you don’t stop to take a look at what is going on then you are most likely in denial. There is something going on with you, most likely a self-esteem problem, attachment issue or even unresolved trauma from abuse. Others around you can probably see it and may have mentioned it to you, but you may continue to blame the “wrong” people that you have involved yourself with, seeing it as their problem, not yours. Nevertheless, somewhere down deep you know there is a problem.

If you go to a therapist, receive help and insight into your issues but need a break from processing it all so you go skiing, that is a distraction. If you are given therapeutic homework and it becomes too painful or overwhelming so you turn on the TV, that is also a distraction and that is fine. It does not mean you are going into denial. If however, you put the homework away for good and never go back to the therapist, you probably have retreated into denial.

Having the arsenal of self-soothing techniques available to you is the key to keeping you moving forward through difficult issues in your life. Adding these is a better solution than adding behaviors designed to hide, dodge or isolate yourself and your behaviors. One gives you a quality of life you deserve and create constructively; the other clearly brings more distress, loneliness and negativity.

So if you have a difficult issue to face, bone up on your self-soothing abilities, find things that will distract you in a positive way when called upon, form a social support system and dive in, life is too short to allow dysfunctional issues to get in the way of  the life you want.

In case you may have been taught dysfunctional thought patterns that are keeping you depressed, anxious or unable to break free from problematic behaviors, please visit Dr. Losito at Hand of Compassion for further assistance.

How to Recommend Counseling

We all have experienced stress, anxiety, depression, grief or relationship problems at some point in our lives, right. Many of us have friends or loved ones who are suffering right now and could benefit from therapy. Nevertheless, how do we tell them to go to therapy?

Telling someone they need therapy can come off very offensive. Therapy itself is still a sensitive issue to talk about. Suggesting to a loved one or friend they need therapy can make them feel as if they are being criticized.

Six Ways to Recommend Therapy:

​Say something sooner than later – try to prevent a larger issue or a full-blown crisis from arising. Avoid minimizing the issue or hoping the problem will go away on its own.

Normalize therapy – you can disclose how you have benefited from therapy. If you have not gone to therapy yourself, express empathy by saying something like, “I see how stressed you are with everything going on right now and you deserve real support beyond our conversations. Have you thought about seeing a therapist for help?”

Do not judge – admitting you need therapy can be hard on its own. Do not diagnose; leave it to the experts. Say something like, “I notice that you don't seem like yourself. I care about you and think a therapist can help you.”

Be reassuring – let them know therapy does not have to be long term for it to be very effective in resolving their issues. Assure them they can find a compassionate, supportive and objective therapist that will provide the insight and tools to empower them professionally and professionally.

Be resourceful – be prepared to share where they can go to find psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. Psychology Today, many local hospitals and Community Mental Health Centers provide quality and affordable outpatient counseling services, and if they are employed, ask them to check their insurance card or contact HR to inquire about Employee Assistance Program (EAP) benefits. In addition, many schools and Universities offer free or low-cost services. There are also online therapy options such as Open Path for persons from low-income status. Go to openpathcollective.org/ to learn more.

Be supportive – offer to go with them to their first 12 step-program, therapy session or pay for it. If the situation is very serious, consider an intervention or hiring an interventionist. In case of an emergency, always dial 911 or take them to their local emergency room for an evaluation.

Do not let your loved one or friend suffer in silence. Express to them that therapy is not replacing the relationship. If they decide to not go to therapy, you did your part. If the relationship is becoming harmful to you, reevaluate your boundaries with them. You might want to examine if the relationship is worth continuing. We all can benefit from therapy!

When a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one, it’s easy to feel helpless. Sometimes we think we’re doing the right thing by trying to cheer them up, pointing out the positives or letting them know that they should try to move on. Well-intentioned as we may be, those efforts tend to put pressure on them and leave them feeling invalidated.

So here are eight ways to help you support your friend in times of need.

Let go of time expectations. The person grieving may struggle for longer than expected. If this happens, regardless of how frustrating or frightening it may be for you, let them grieve for however long they need, knowing you won’t judge them for it.

Recognize the stages of grief. Most people suffering a loss will go through these stages, often in no particular order and sometimes repeating stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. Each one is healthy and necessary. The more familiar you are with these stages, the better equipped you’ll be to support your friend.

Variables to grief. One person’s grief is never the same as another’s. Variables include the cause and length of death, the personal resiliency of the grieving person, what their previous experiences have been, how large their support network is and their relationship to the person lost. Be understanding of how this can change their experience of grief from your own or someone else you have known.

Resist telling them how strong they are. We are often inclined to praise the person who appears to be coping stoically with a loss. The problem is that we need to allow them to be human and vulnerable sometimes too. After all, there’s strength in letting out your emotions from time to time.

Offer the bereaved ways to memorialize. Funerals and memorial services work to give support and closure to the bereaved. We can also memorialize in other ways, like planting trees, writing letters or having remembrance gatherings.

Ask them what they need. It’s normal to feel you can guess what your friend needs based on what you might need in their position. Because we’re all different, it is best to ask them what it is that you can do for them. If they say “I don’t know” or “nothing,” resist the desire to walk away in your frustration or worry. Just offer your support in whatever way you can and let them know that you will be there when they think of something.

Continue to check in on them. At the time of a funeral, many people offer help and support to the grieving person. As the weeks and months pass everyone’s lives move forward and they generally forget to follow up on their offerings of help and support. Be the person who follows up. You don’t have to give all of your energy, but your caring will be appreciated and will provide untold comfort.

Handling Grief and Bereavement

Most caregivers who lose a loved one will experience a normal sense of grief and bereavement. Normal, though, does not mean free of emotional, physical, and spiritual pain. Here are things you can do to help with those feelings:  Know the triggers. The first year will have many emotional triggers: first birthday without the loved one, the first Thanksgiving, the anniversary of the death. When these "firsts" occur, the waves of grief can come crashing back.Know your priorities. It's important to maintain friendships, routines, activities, and other things that nourish you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.Plan for the unexpected. One way to do this is to think about and rehearse your responses to the questions others might ask. Doing so can keep you from being blindsided.Don't bottle things up. Talk to the palliative care social worker, counselor, advance practice nurse, and physician. Talking about things helps you acknowledge your feelings and enables you to say good-bye and find emotional closure.Don't try to do it alone. Before your loved one is gone, make sure you've put together a support system made up of people you can count on to be there, lean on for support, and depend on for help with chores and other things that need to be done.Don't make big changes. During the first year avoid doing things that will mean a major change in your life. Don't move, don't get divorced, don't cut off communication with people you are close to. Experts say you will be a different person as time passes.Take care of your health. That doesn't just mean eat well, get a good night's sleep, and exercise. It means doing things that ensure emotional and spiritual well-being, too.Don't isolate yourself. Loneliness breeds loneliness. Don't turn down invitations, even though going out may be the last thing you want to do.Deal with anger. Anger is self-perpetuating and can snowball. Grief counseling can help you understand and deal with the anger you feel.Keep the faith. Religion won't "fix" things, experts say. But it can help normalize them. And belonging to a faith group means you have a community for support.Take up new activities. New activities help you form new patterns of doing things and new interests that are not associated with the person who has died.Make humor part of your coping routine. Humor can help provide perspective on the way your life is changing.

Seek the Bereavement Counselor

How does a young child recover from the loss of a Father or Mother. In most case a young child does not and then goes into an adult full of abandonment, lack of parenting, Drug and Alcohol uses, and most case become homeless in the end. 

Dr. Nicholas Losito, Ph.D,CTS is there to provide Pre-Anticipatory losses and Prepare the young child from ever becoming lost, forgotten, and prepare them for Success.  

My Own Bereavement

My father died at noon on my Birthday when I was 36years old, so I can understand why people grieve during the Holy Season;  Although, my father had been ill for few years, I felt the bizarre combination of shock, loss, and relief. I even felt joy because he was finally out of pain and with Jesus. During the next few months, those emotions constantly bounced around inside of me until I felt like my mind was playing the old children’s game of Fruit; consequently, I was not able to look at a French Fry in the Face for many months. 

Basket Turn Over. One day, I was able to feel joyful, the next, I grieved, the next I felt totally lost.

Late on that Christmas afternoon, I returned to my apartment. When I opened the door I heard joyful voices singing, “We Wish You a Merry Christmas!” In my haste, I had left the Christmas music playing. The colorful lights on our tree were cheerfully twinkling, seeming to mock my father’s death. “How could anybody die on Christmas day?” I asked myself. Everything felt surreal. I felt a little crazy, but later I learned that my feelings were the normal responses to shock and grief.

Until my father died, I had not experienced the death of anyone close to me. I had no idea how to bear grief. I decided to ignore my grief and pretend that my father was still alive until the very next Christmas. That sounds a little crazy, but I know now that it was the only way I could temporarily cope. I had to finally face the loss of my father and learn how to bear grief. In fact, that very next Christmas continued to face this Holy Day could not be same from previous Christmases.  Christmas was the Holy Day my Father provided a sense of care and concern to all. Now this had to be restructured to something completely all new. 

Your grief

I know that many people are experiencing loss at this time of year, especially. For example, you may have been divorced since the last Christmas or one of your sons or daughters may be at war or a friendship may have been broken over the last year. Perhaps it’s health problems that have robbed you of many activities that were common to your life before this year or someone you love may have died.

Grief is an experience that is common to everyone. Nobody who has ever lived on this earth has been able to avoid it, but it often comes to us when we least expect it. We can easily be overwhelmed and stuck in grief for years, if we do not have some understanding of it.

Getting Through Grief

Since my father died, I have learned three things that have helped me deal with grief.

1. Grief usually comes in waves, which lasts about 20 to 30 minutes.

The body cannot sustain such strong grieving for much longer than that. After my father died, I had been afraid that such strong grief would just consume me. I feared that my grief would drag me down into a dark hole and I would never be able to come out again.

When I found out that the waves had a limit, I felt safe to let go, to cry, or talk or write my feelings down. In the months that followed, the grief waves also came less and less. I learned that the Holy Spirit is the God of all comfort (2 Cor.1:1-3) and I learned to ask Him to enter those grief waves with me. He did and He brought comfort. The grief hurt, but I wasn’t nearly as afraid.

2. Emotions don’t know time and space.

Memories are stimulated through the senses. For example, you may hear a familiar song that takes you emotionally back to a very sad place. The smell of potpourri may cause you to think of familiar previous family rituals that can no longer occur. The sight of a Christmas ornament can remind you of people who are no longer alive.

A few years after my father died, an uncle came to visit us. As I hugged him, I smelled Old Spice cologne, which had been my father’s favorite. Suddenly, I felt like a helpless 36 year-old whose heart had just been broken. I didn’t know how to come forward emotionally and I got stuck in a miserable emotional state that Christmas.

Now I remind myself to pay attention to my senses before each holiday season begins. I begin to say to myself, “That was then and this is now.” I learned to pause between the stimuli and my response. I began to practice enjoying what I have “now,” rather than automatically letting myself move emotionally backward in my mind. I have learned to celebrate the season for what it is “right now” in my life, remembering the birth of Jesus, counting the ways His birth has brought blessings and joy into my life.

This was a discipline that I had to practice and, year by year, this process has helped me live in the present.

3. Confine and assign time to your feelings

We don’t need to ignore our feelings altogether, but it’s helpful to deliberately make a time and place for them.

I began to set aside a period of time to think about my father. Sometimes I wrote about him in a journal. Other times I talked about him to my children, sometimes I lit a Christmas candle and gave thanks for him. I also looked through a scrapbook of my childhood. However, I placed a time limit on my grief and nostalgia.

I had to exercise my will to do this, making a decision to invest most of my energy into the family members who were still with me, serving friends and strangers who had needs. I invested my energy more and more into serving than grieving, and creating new memories, rather than looking back.

Years from now, you may find yourself writing or telling your grief story. Your pain will be less, because you will have experienced the Lord’s comfort. You will have also practiced the process of grieving. You will know that every day is a new day. Every day will train you to help others in grief, just as our Lord promised.

There’s no doubt that the holidays can be a sad time for those of us who are experiencing loss. But with God’s strength and grace, He can help us make it through the sadness finding peace and healing that is found in Him –The Prince of Peace. Jesus continues to seek and find us at Christmas, bringing hope to our hurting hearts.  

Dr. Nicholas Losito, Ph.D, CISM,  is the Clinical Director of Hand of  Compassion. He is available for further consults and support during the Christmas season and right through into the New Year. 

When to seek Dr. Losito's help for grief ?

If you recognize any of the above symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help you get better.

Contact a grief counselor, Dr. Losito, if you:

• Feel like life isn’t worth living
• Wish you had died with your loved one
• Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
• Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
• Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
• Are unable to perform your normal daily activities

Common Symptoms of Grief

 

While loss affects people in different ways, many experience the following symptoms when they’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal—including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs.

• Shock and disbelief – Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting him or her to show up, even though you know he or she is gone.
• Sadness – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.
• Guilt – You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.
• Anger – Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.
• Fear – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.
• Physical symptoms – We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.

GRIEF NEVER ENDS ....