The D Vs the D

You have all heard of denial and that in most cases it is not good for your mental health to be adherent. Denial is a defense mechanism designed to help you avoid or process at your own pace new, scary, difficult or overwhelming information about yourself or a certain situation. This can be ok as it serves as a buffer to process these things, as you are able. For instance you may receive a diagnosis of depression or bipolar depression that may feel like too much to think about right then, say nothing about formulate a plan to address it.

This is an example of immediate denial and as stated before that can be ok. Long-term denial of problems that are obvious to others is a different story, and that is the type that usually harms you to some degree. Missing work due to drinking too much, isolating yourself due to depression or fears of going out and making excuses about “just being tired” or “too busy” are examples of this. When combined with behaviors designed to perpetuate the excuses, it becomes a lifestyle before you know it. But not a healthy, fun and creative lifestyle, rather one based in fear and unsuccessful attempts at control. A life that at any moment can spiral out of control.

Dysfunctional families are often seething pits of denial, carrying many generations of emotional baggage forward that goes unaddressed and causes major unhappiness for family members. There may be a sophisticated group of evasive behaviors in place to allow family members not to have to deal with the real problems. You know somewhere inside there is something wrong. It does not have to stay this way, armed with the right tools and the right help you can break free from these unhealthy cycles.

In my previous post on self-soothing, I talk about how to help yourself feel better, calm yourself and become mindful of what is going on with you.  Having these skills in your emotional toolbox can enable you to deal with uncomfortable information about yourself and make headway on seeking the proper help.

A specific skill I discuss is the ability to distract yourself, and I have been frequently asked whether that is just another form of denial. It is not.  Distracting yourself is a deliberate behavior you employ to feel better for the time being. It frees up your mind for a bit and can help break the cycles of rumination that get you nowhere. It allows your brain a breather. It can also allow your whole body a breather as your physiological processes get unbalanced when you are constantly stressed. Your thoughts bring about this stress so allowing your thoughts to wander to something more pleasant is not being in denial, it is helping yourself.

If you are in one bad relationship after another, always choosing the “wrong” person and you don’t stop to take a look at what is going on then you are most likely in denial. There is something going on with you, most likely a self-esteem problem, attachment issue or even unresolved trauma from abuse. Others around you can probably see it and may have mentioned it to you, but you may continue to blame the “wrong” people that you have involved yourself with, seeing it as their problem, not yours. Nevertheless, somewhere down deep you know there is a problem.

If you go to a therapist, receive help and insight into your issues but need a break from processing it all so you go skiing, that is a distraction. If you are given therapeutic homework and it becomes too painful or overwhelming so you turn on the TV, that is also a distraction and that is fine. It does not mean you are going into denial. If however, you put the homework away for good and never go back to the therapist, you probably have retreated into denial.

Having the arsenal of self-soothing techniques available to you is the key to keeping you moving forward through difficult issues in your life. Adding these is a better solution than adding behaviors designed to hide, dodge or isolate yourself and your behaviors. One gives you a quality of life you deserve and create constructively; the other clearly brings more distress, loneliness and negativity.

So if you have a difficult issue to face, bone up on your self-soothing abilities, find things that will distract you in a positive way when called upon, form a social support system and dive in, life is too short to allow dysfunctional issues to get in the way of  the life you want.

In case you may have been taught dysfunctional thought patterns that are keeping you depressed, anxious or unable to break free from problematic behaviors, please visit Dr. Losito at Hand of Compassion for further assistance.

Death by Dr. Carl Jung, MD

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOxlZm2AU4o&ebc=ANyPxKrzF3QWbfMhvuEm4dq862_GXG-exIs0PRZRjqyziDuirv3nZaVSpJYpmB6-Fgvz_xxnM3dhFO_R9SYFGerHjm87OPl9hg

An Examination of Death from Dr. Carl Jung, MD on the direction 

towards to Death. Think on the line of Nature According the 

Honorable Doctor .

When a loved one dies, grief can feel like a dagger in your heart. Often, grief triggers raw, intense emotions. You might wonder how you'll ever pick up the pieces and heal your wounds — yet not feel as if you're betraying your loved one's memory.

There are no quick fixes for the grief and anguish that follow a loved one's death. As you face your grief, acknowledge the pain and know that it's part of the healing process. Take good care of yourself, and seek support from friends and loved ones.

Although your life will never be quite the same, the searing pain of grief will eventually become less intense. Accepting your new "normal" can help you reconcile your losses and move on with your life.

Continue to see out assistance from your local Primary Care Mental Health Provider and you are to contact Dr. Nicholas Losito, Ph.D, CISM, at Hand of Compassion.

How can I help a child deal with the death of a loved one?

How can I help a child deal with the death of a loved one?

Children grieve just as adults do. Any child old enough to form a relationship will experience some form of grief when a relationship is severed. Adults may not view a child behavior as grief as it is often demonstrated in behavioral patterns which we misunderstand and do not appear to us to be grief such as "moody," "cranky," or "withdrawn." When a death occurs children need to be surrounded by feelings of warmth, acceptance and understanding. This may be a tall order to expect of the adults who are experiencing their own grief and upset. Caring adults can guide children through this time when the child is experiencing feelings for which they have no words and thus can not identify. In a very real way, this time can be a growth experience for the child, teaching about love and relationships. The first task is to create an atmosphere in which the child's thoughts, fears and wishes are recognized. This means that they should be allowed to participate in any of the arrangements, ceremonies and gatherings which are comfortable for them. First, explain what will be happening and why it is happening at a level the child can understand. A child may not be able to speak at a grandparent's funeral but would benefit greatly from the opportunity to draw a picture to be placed in the casket or displayed at the service. Be aware that children will probably have short attention spans and may need to leave a service or gathering before the adults are ready. Many families provide a non-family attendant to care for the children in this event. The key is to allow the participation, not to force it. Forced participation can be harmful. Children instinctively have a good sense of how involved they wish to be. They should be listened to carefully.

How can I help an adult friend or family member deal with the death of a loved one?

Someone you know may be experiencing grief - perhaps the loss of a loved one, perhaps another type of loss - and you want to help. The fear of making things worse may encourage you to do nothing. Yet you do not wish to appear to be uncaring. Remember that it is better to try to do something, inadequate as you may feel, than to do nothing at all. Don't attempt to sooth or stifle the emotions of the griever. Tears and anger are an important part of the healing process. Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the result of a strong relationship and deserves the honor of strong emotion. When supporting someone in their grief the most important thing is to simply listen. Grief is a very confusing process, expressions of logic are lost on the griever. The question "tell me how you are feeling" followed by a patient and attentive ear will seem like a major blessing to the grief stricken. Be present, reveal your caring, listen. Your desire is to assist your friend down the path of healing. They will find their own way down that path, but they need a helping hand, an assurance that they are not entirely alone on their journey. It does not matter that you do not understand the details, your presence is enough. Risk a visit, it need not be long. The mourner may need time to be alone but will surely appreciate the effort you made to visit. Do some act of kindness. There are always ways to help. Run errands, answer the phone, prepare meals, mow the lawn, care for the children, shop for groceries, meet incoming planes or provide lodging for out of town relatives. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention.

How can I deal with the death of a loved one?

Bereavement is a powerful, life-changing experience that most people find overwhelming the first time. Although grief is a natural process of human life, most of us are not inherently able to manage it alone. At the same time, others are often unable to provide aid or insight because of discomfort with the situation and the desire to avoid making things worse. The following passage explains how some of our "normal" assumptions about grief may make it more difficult to deal with.

Five Assumptions That May Complicate

1. Life prepares us for loss. More is learned about loss through experience than through preparation. Living may not provide preparation for survival. Handling grief resulting from the death of a loved one is a process that takes hard work. The fortunate experience of a happy life may not have built a complete foundation for handling loss. Healing is built through perseverance, support and understanding. The bereaved need others: Find others who are empathetic.
2. Family and friends will understand. If a spouse dies children lose a parent, a sibling loses a sibling, a parent loses a child and a friend loses a friend. Only one loses a spouse. Each response is different according to the relationship. Family and friends may not be capable of understanding each other thoroughly. Consider the story of Job's grief in the Bible. Job's wife did not understand his grief. His friends did their best work the first week when they just sat and did not speak. It was when they began to share their judgements of Job and his life that they complicated Job's grief. Allowance must be made so that grief may be experienced and processed over time. The bereaved need others: Find others who are accepting.
3. The bereaved should be finished with their grief within one year or something is wrong. During the first year the bereaved will experience one of everything for the first time alone: anniversaries, birthdays, occasions, etc. Therefore grief will last for at least one year. The cliche, "the healing hands of time," does not go far enough to explain what must take place. The key to handling grief is in what work is done over time. It takes time and work to decide what to do and where to go with the new and changed life that is left behind. The bereaved need others: Find others who are patient.
4. Along with the end of grief's pain comes the end of the memories. At times, the bereaved may embrace the pain of grief believing it is all they have left. The lingering close bond to the deceased is sometimes thought to maintain the memories while, in fact, just the opposite is true. In learning to let go and live a new and changed life memories tend to come back more clearly. Growth and healing comes in learning to enjoy memories. The bereaved need others: Find new friends and interests.
5. The bereaved should grieve alone. After the funeral service is over the bereaved may find themselves alone. They may feel as though they are going crazy, painfully uncertain in their world of thoughts and emotions. The bereaved begin to feel normal again when the experience is shared with others who have lost a loved one. Then, in reaching out, the focus of life becomes forward. The bereaved need others: Find others who are experienced.

The New Stages of Grief

After the funeral and burial, mundane life patterns such as shopping and working must eventually resume, now in altered form. "Everyday life" often leaves survivors experiencing long-term reactions on top of the more familiar emotional and physical manifestations of grief.

Most common: yearning (intense longing for the person who has died), stress, and depression. These can prevail whether the relationship was happy or turbulent.

"Whatever unresolved issues you have, they get magnified and are elusive at the same time; you feel alone in the world," says Ellie, whose parents and sister all died within five years. "I felt so isolated in my grief."

Recommendations: 

Not rushing yourself. "Being without my parents knocked me down and kept me down for a long time; it was as if something had been severed in me," says Ellie. "Time and new experiences helped, but it was mostly a matter of putting one foot in front of the other."

Ignoring the "grief police." Don't let others rush your adjustment. Turn a deaf ear to the well-meaning comments people make that miss the mark -- including "It's time to move on."

Getting help as needed with practical tasks. Handling finances, cooking, yard work, and so on can swamp a bereaved person, especially if they're unfamiliar duties. This just adds to stress and prolongs pain.

Inching toward new ways of doing things. One woman who had a standing Saturday morning long phone call with her late mother felt bereft at that hour each week. "I switched my walking time to then and called my sister while I walked, which shook up my routine and dulled the pain."

Not expecting you can medicate the pain away. Antidepressants have a place in helping someone who has a chemical imbalance causing depression. But antidepressants can also impede the grieving process, and they can't remove the yearning that's associated with depression. The goal should be to think about the deceased with less pain, over time, and to derive a measure of comfort from such thoughts.

Balance with Hugs

1. The nurturing touch of a hug builds trust and a sense of safety. This helps with open and honest communication.

2. Hugs can instantly boost oxytocin levels, which heal feelings of loneliness, isolation, and anger.

3. Holding a hug for an extended time lifts one's serotonin levels, elevating mood and creating happiness.

4. Hugs strengthen the immune system. The gentle pressure on the sternum and the emotional charge this creates activates the Solar Plexus Chakra. This stimulates the thymus gland, which regulates and balances the body's production of white blood cells, which keep you healthy and disease free.

5. Hugging boosts self-esteem. From the time we're born our family's touch shows us that we're loved and special. The associations of self-worth and tactile sensations from our early years are still imbedded in our nervous system as adults. The cuddles we received from our Mom and Dad while growing up remain imprinted at a cellular level, and hugs remind us at a somatic level of that. Hugs, therefore, connect us to our ability to self love.

6. Hugging relaxes muscles. Hugs release tension in the body. Hugs can take away pain; they soothe aches by increasing circulation into the soft tissues.

7. Hugs balance out the nervous system. The galvanic skin response of someone receiving and giving a hug shows a change in skin conductance. The effect in moisture and electricity in the skin suggests a more balanced state in the nervous system - parasympathetic.

8. Hugs teach us how to give and receive. There is equal value in receiving and being receptive to warmth, as to giving and sharing. Hugs educate us how love flows both ways.

9. Hugs are so much like meditation and laughter. They teach us to let go and be present in the moment. They encourage us to flow with the energy of life. Hugs get you out of your circular thinking patterns and connect you with your heart and your feelings and your breath.

10. The energy exchange between the people hugging is an investment in the relationship. It encourages empathy and understanding. And, it's synergistic, which means the whole is more than the sum of its parts: 1 1 = 3 or more! This synergy is more likely to result in win-win outcomes.

GRIEF NEVER ENDS ....

Thanksgiving to Advent

When we were in our early 20s, a friend of mine called it “the day of thanks:” Thanksgiving dinner at 2:00 at her mother’s house, another full holiday meal at his mother’s at 6:00. Each mother was widowed and couldn’t bear the idea of celebrating any holiday without one of her kids. And each kid, now young adult, couldn't bear being the one that would disappoint mother. So, at each house, the young couple felt obliged to eat enthusiastically and almost to pretend that the other family didn't exist. In December, they went through it again, this time in the form of painful negotiations about whose house got them first for Christmas. 

After all the Turkey has been clean, cut, and make into soup. The preparation of Advent is a the key to proceeding to the Birth of Christ our God. Advent is when we all prepare how we will be during the season of 'Glad Tidings,  & Comfort and Joy." From the preparation of the Birth of Christ will prohibit any toxicity and discomfort of everything we are expected to be and do. Christ our God Is the Only 1 that permanently release each one of from anxieties and toxicity from our existence. 

Every year, I watch the issues around the turkey trail come up for friends and clients alike as the holiday season approaches. Some families manage to find creative solutions that really work. Other families are so painfully fair about who goes where, that everyone ends up feeling vaguely guilty and unhappy no matter what they do. Still others greet every November with new dread as they try to figure out what to do this year. What’s really going on?

Often enough, the problem is a developmental issue that people don’t have a name for or a friendly way to understand. Marriage, then the arrival of grandchildren, marks an important shift in primary loyalty from the family in which we grew up to the new family unit.

Negotiating Change

The negotiations about where and how we spend which holidays is an important exercise in establishing who we are in relation to each other as a couple and what roles we take in relation to our extended families. Done well, these negotiations lead to comfortable, healthy relationships among all family members. Done badly, there’s a price: The new family may not develop a strong enough identity to sustain it through hard times. Tension stays between the generations, coloring every family event. Where people spend each holiday can become a point scored in a painful contest of loyalties.

The issue often comes to a head when the new family has children in the preschool years. 

There comes a time when it becomes very clear that it is just too difficult to pack up the kids, the kid paraphernalia, the gifts, and the contribution to the holiday dinner — all to make the sojourn “home” for the holidays. It becomes important for the new family to stop rushing to get somewhere else and to let themselves enjoy a leisurely Christmas morning or first Hanukkah night, to let the children enjoy the gifts they have just received, and to let the adults relax. In the natural evolution of a family, “home” is no longer where the parents lived as children. “Home” is right here.

Some families make this natural process so unnecessarily painful. The older generation feels rejected, unappreciated, and angry. The younger generation feels pressured, guilty, and resentful. Because they don’t recognize that what is going on is a healthy shift in family loyalties, people start pushing at each other in hurtful ways. Sometimes awful things get said as the young family begins to try to establish their own traditions and the older generation tries to hold on to what is familiar. The family eventually does reconfigure, but the sting of how it was done shadows the holiday season for years.

Reducing Family Tensions

It doesn't have to be this way. When the source of family tension is such a developmental shift, my job as a therapist and educator is to help the various family members understand that lying beneath all their emotions of anxiety, anger, fear, and general upset is a perfectly normal and useful stage. We can then work together to figure out how to renegotiate what has always been to what is needed now.

The older generation can be enormously helpful in this process by sharing memories of how hard the same shift was when they were young and by giving a kind of permission for the new family to begin to make their own traditions. When the older folks take the pressure off in a loving, non-manipulative way, adult children are more likely, not less, to include their parents’ needs in the equation. The younger generation can help by appreciating how difficult the change can be for the older folks who are dealing with their own issues of loss. Further, adult children need to be mindful that the same issue will confront them someday from the other side. How they manage it now is a model for their own children as they grow. When the generations try out new solutions together, the issue becomes a problem that everyone is working on instead of a painful process of push-and-pull.

It almost doesn't matter what a family comes up with as a solution to the turkey trail. What matters is that people feel loved, included in the process, and involved in making the whole thing work for everyone at least some of the time. Many families do this without benefit of professional help. But sometimes calling in a family therapist, a trusted family friend, a Priest or Dr. Nicholas Losito,Ph.D,  can help people manage their feelings and find new ways to cooperate. Whatever route people choose, working through the holiday dilemma in a way that leaves everyone feeling loved and secure in their family relationships is a lasting and wonderful gift for all involved.

A Nogtaglic Means During Berevement

Researchers from the University of Southampton have determined that feeling nostalgic or reminiscing about the past can increase optimism about the future.
In the study, investigators explored the concept that nostalgia or reminiscence is not merely a reflection of the past; rather, its scope extends into the future, with a positive outlook.

The research is published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
“Nostalgia is experienced frequently and virtually by everyone and we know that it can maintain psychological comfort. For example, nostalgic reverie can combat loneliness. We wanted to take that a step further and assess whether it can increase a feeling of optimism about the future,” said Tim Wildschut, Ph.D., a co-author of the study.
In one of the reported studies within the paper, the researchers asked participants to bring to mind a nostalgic event and write about it.

The number of optimistic words included in the narrative was compared to a control group who were asked to recall and write about an ordinary event. The nostalgic narratives contained a significantly higher proportion of optimistic expressions than the ordinary stories.

A further study capitalized on music’s capacity to evoke nostalgia. Participants listened to either a nostalgic or control song (which had been previously validated). Those who listened to the nostalgic song reported higher levels of optimism than those who listened to the control song.

In a final study, participants were presented with song lyrics that half the group had previously identified to be nostalgic. They were then asked to complete questions about how they felt. Those who read the personally nostalgic lyrics reported higher levels of optimism than those who read the control lyrics.

The studies also highlighted the roles of-self-esteem.  Said Wildschut: “Nostalgia raises self-esteem which in turn heightens optimism. Our findings have shown that nostalgia does have the capacity to facilitate perceptions of a more positive future.
“Memories of the past can help to maintain current feelings of self-worth and can contribute to a brighter outlook on the future. Our findings do imply that nostalgia, by promoting optimism, could help individuals cope with psychological adversity.”

Grief within Infidelity

What Creates Fertile Grounds for Affairs?

Just like a garden, relationships need to be nurtured and tended. All too often, the garden of our relationship is left unattended; weeds grow and plants die due to lack of water and sun (i.e., care and attention). It is all too easy, especially in child-centered families, for partners to focus on the practicalities of child care to the exclusion of their relationship.

Parents be warned: The seeds for a future affair can all too easily be sown in the early stages of starting a family. Neglecting your partner and your relationship for the sake of the children does not create a happy family. It creates emotional instability, especially if you or your partner start looking to fulfill your emotional needs outside the relationship. Make sure to devote some time to your relationship, too. Your children will be happier and more secure if they see parents who have a strong, loving bond, even if this means the kids don’t always get to come first.

It is also easy, especially in long-term relationships, for couples with or without children to start taking each other for granted or fall into the rut of routine. While there is comfort in structure and predictability, you don’t want to let your relationship become stagnant. Affairs are often a misguided way to seek excitement and aliveness. Unfortunately, having an affair will take you away from your primary relationship rather than toward it. In effect, you are starting a new garden somewhere else and leaving your current garden to wither in the dark. Make the effort occasionally to do something fun and different together. Why? It creates intimacy and brings growth and vitality to your relationship. As with gardening, you want to add fertilizer and occasionally turn the soil so that your plants and flowers will flourish.

Still, you could follow all the above suggestions and tend the garden of your relationship with much care and love, only to encounter the threat of an affair springing up like weeds. As Shirley Glass warns: “A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.”

To really vaccinate your relationship against affairs, Glass recommends the following guidelines. While some might find them too restrictive—and, as one lesbian couple complained, “too hetero” and another poly couple pointed out, “way too monogamous”—it is worth having them as a reference point. In the guidelines below, poly couples may want to replace the word marriage with primary relationship, but be warned: this list is definitely pro-monogamy.

7 Tips for Preventing Infidelity

1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows opened at home. Put up privacy walls with those who could threaten your marriage.
2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a coworker, meet in public rooms, not a room with a bed.
3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of your marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
5. Keep old flames from reigniting. If a former lover is coming to a class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch alone with an old flame. (This may be unrealistic in the lesbian community, as exes are so often part of one’s community and even friendship circle.)
6. Don’t go over the line when online with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him or her your e-mail if he or she is interested. Invite your partner to join in correspondence so your Internet friends won’t get any wrong ideas. Don’t exchange sexual fantasies online.
7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don’t believe in fooling around.

Let’s look at the worst-case scenario. You or your partner has an affair. How can you help your relationship recover?