How can I help a child deal with the death of a loved one?

How can I help a child deal with the death of a loved one?

Children grieve just as adults do. Any child old enough to form a relationship will experience some form of grief when a relationship is severed. Adults may not view a child behavior as grief as it is often demonstrated in behavioral patterns which we misunderstand and do not appear to us to be grief such as "moody," "cranky," or "withdrawn." When a death occurs children need to be surrounded by feelings of warmth, acceptance and understanding. This may be a tall order to expect of the adults who are experiencing their own grief and upset. Caring adults can guide children through this time when the child is experiencing feelings for which they have no words and thus can not identify. In a very real way, this time can be a growth experience for the child, teaching about love and relationships. The first task is to create an atmosphere in which the child's thoughts, fears and wishes are recognized. This means that they should be allowed to participate in any of the arrangements, ceremonies and gatherings which are comfortable for them. First, explain what will be happening and why it is happening at a level the child can understand. A child may not be able to speak at a grandparent's funeral but would benefit greatly from the opportunity to draw a picture to be placed in the casket or displayed at the service. Be aware that children will probably have short attention spans and may need to leave a service or gathering before the adults are ready. Many families provide a non-family attendant to care for the children in this event. The key is to allow the participation, not to force it. Forced participation can be harmful. Children instinctively have a good sense of how involved they wish to be. They should be listened to carefully.

How can I help an adult friend or family member deal with the death of a loved one?

Someone you know may be experiencing grief - perhaps the loss of a loved one, perhaps another type of loss - and you want to help. The fear of making things worse may encourage you to do nothing. Yet you do not wish to appear to be uncaring. Remember that it is better to try to do something, inadequate as you may feel, than to do nothing at all. Don't attempt to sooth or stifle the emotions of the griever. Tears and anger are an important part of the healing process. Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the result of a strong relationship and deserves the honor of strong emotion. When supporting someone in their grief the most important thing is to simply listen. Grief is a very confusing process, expressions of logic are lost on the griever. The question "tell me how you are feeling" followed by a patient and attentive ear will seem like a major blessing to the grief stricken. Be present, reveal your caring, listen. Your desire is to assist your friend down the path of healing. They will find their own way down that path, but they need a helping hand, an assurance that they are not entirely alone on their journey. It does not matter that you do not understand the details, your presence is enough. Risk a visit, it need not be long. The mourner may need time to be alone but will surely appreciate the effort you made to visit. Do some act of kindness. There are always ways to help. Run errands, answer the phone, prepare meals, mow the lawn, care for the children, shop for groceries, meet incoming planes or provide lodging for out of town relatives. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention.

How can I deal with the death of a loved one?

Bereavement is a powerful, life-changing experience that most people find overwhelming the first time. Although grief is a natural process of human life, most of us are not inherently able to manage it alone. At the same time, others are often unable to provide aid or insight because of discomfort with the situation and the desire to avoid making things worse. The following passage explains how some of our "normal" assumptions about grief may make it more difficult to deal with.

Five Assumptions That May Complicate

1. Life prepares us for loss. More is learned about loss through experience than through preparation. Living may not provide preparation for survival. Handling grief resulting from the death of a loved one is a process that takes hard work. The fortunate experience of a happy life may not have built a complete foundation for handling loss. Healing is built through perseverance, support and understanding. The bereaved need others: Find others who are empathetic.
2. Family and friends will understand. If a spouse dies children lose a parent, a sibling loses a sibling, a parent loses a child and a friend loses a friend. Only one loses a spouse. Each response is different according to the relationship. Family and friends may not be capable of understanding each other thoroughly. Consider the story of Job's grief in the Bible. Job's wife did not understand his grief. His friends did their best work the first week when they just sat and did not speak. It was when they began to share their judgements of Job and his life that they complicated Job's grief. Allowance must be made so that grief may be experienced and processed over time. The bereaved need others: Find others who are accepting.
3. The bereaved should be finished with their grief within one year or something is wrong. During the first year the bereaved will experience one of everything for the first time alone: anniversaries, birthdays, occasions, etc. Therefore grief will last for at least one year. The cliche, "the healing hands of time," does not go far enough to explain what must take place. The key to handling grief is in what work is done over time. It takes time and work to decide what to do and where to go with the new and changed life that is left behind. The bereaved need others: Find others who are patient.
4. Along with the end of grief's pain comes the end of the memories. At times, the bereaved may embrace the pain of grief believing it is all they have left. The lingering close bond to the deceased is sometimes thought to maintain the memories while, in fact, just the opposite is true. In learning to let go and live a new and changed life memories tend to come back more clearly. Growth and healing comes in learning to enjoy memories. The bereaved need others: Find new friends and interests.
5. The bereaved should grieve alone. After the funeral service is over the bereaved may find themselves alone. They may feel as though they are going crazy, painfully uncertain in their world of thoughts and emotions. The bereaved begin to feel normal again when the experience is shared with others who have lost a loved one. Then, in reaching out, the focus of life becomes forward. The bereaved need others: Find others who are experienced.

Empty Chair During the Holy Days!

Getting ready for the 16th Thanksgiving after Papa death has continuously been
hard to continue to keep the faith of his blessings upon me. How would I possibly celebrate the Holy Days without him and a very special friend whose specialness will be restored. This Is a prayer to have Papa's spirit bring a wonderfulness of a beautiful memory to all of his children and grandchildren with having the Special Friend return become the greatest gift of the Holy Days.  How could I face preparing the meals he taught to prepare Better then better before the families arrived for the Holy Days Celebrations.

Of course, my siblings and I have become success, since Papa's death.  For this we have elected to keep a chair at our table; the absence of Papa and the Special Friend will not be overlooked.

As the years have gone by, the loss has become less painful. Now our memories of Papa and others who’ve passed out of our lives are laced with humor and nostalgia.  The chairs are empty.  And yet,  the relationships with the people who once occupied them continue on in our shared memories and stories.

To negotiate through the first holiday season following a death is seldom uncomplicated. Although the traditions that evolve in subsequent years may be fine in their own way, holy days without our loved one will never be quite the same.  The holy days after a recent death highlight the absence and often throw people into confusion.  Grieving people know they should “move on” – whatever that means – but aren’t at all sure they want to and don’t know how. Those who care about the person in mourning want to be helpful but are equally confused about how to do it.  It’s a situation that is poignantly human.

For those of you who have lost a loved one within the past year, thinking about the empty chair at the holy day table may intensify grief in all its complex manifestations: sadness, anger, resentment, and maybe even guilt about the loss and, yes, joy and sweetness and gratitude that the person was in your life.  For those who care about the grieving person, it can be difficult to know how best to honor the memory contributing to pain.

Grief counselors generally agree on some basic guidelines that can help you manage a personal loss or help you support those in mourning during the Christmas season.

If you are the grieving person:

• Allow yourself the right to grieve.   American culture has a tough time with death. For some reason, there is pressure to get on with life within a year after a loss.  That expectation is unrealistic and unfair.  Most people take three to five years to fully accept the loss of someone they loved.  If someone dear to you died during this past year, remind yourself that it’s normal and healthy to want to bow out of some of the events of the winter holidays that emphasize family and togetherness when you are feeling alone in a new and painful way.
  
  
• Take care of yourself.   Discipline yourself to get enough sleep, to eat right, and to follow your normal routines – especially if you don’t feel like it.   You’ll be better able to make good decision about what makes sense for you to do over the Christmas season.
  
  
• Plan ahead.    Do you want to be alone or will being with those who love you ease the pain?   Really think about it.   Sometimes being alone makes the arcaneness much too hard to bear.   Sometimes being in a crowd is overwhelming.   Only you know what is best for you.   Talk to key family members and ask them to support you in whichever decision you make.
  
  
• Rethink hosting the party.   If yours is the usual gathering place, think about whether you want to do it this year.  Some people like getting lost in the details of planning and managing a dinner for twelve.  But if you are one of those who finds it just too hard to make a party when in mourning, know that it’s okay to be “selfish” in times like these and to beg off.   People who love you will understand.   Those who don’t aren’t worth worrying about.   At the very least, ask for help and accept all offers to spread the responsibilities around.
  
  
• Give people permission to share stories.  Many people have the idea that the best way to help someone in grief is to avoid talking about the person who has passed. Most of the time, they are mistaken.  When we stop talking about someone is when they are really lost to the family.  Let people know that as hard as it is that the person is no longer with us, it’s important to remember the good times, to laugh about funny things they did or said, and to acknowledge that he or she is missed.
  
  
• Do things a little differently.   For some people, doing the usual traditions and celebrations makes the loved one’s absence all the more painful.  Think about whether doing things a bit differently or going to a different place would be helpful.
  

If you are a family member or friend of someone who is grieving:

• Allow the person the right to grieve.    Everyone does it differently. Some people want to withdraw from the world and work through their sadness alone.   At the other end of the spectrum are those who manage by carrying on as usual and tempering the pain through the distraction of people and parties.   Carefully consider what your loved one needs, not what you would do in the situation.
  
  
• Take care.   If you notice that your family member or friend isn’t eating, getting enough sleep, or functioning well at home and work, don’t ignore it.   These are signs that the person is possibly getting clinically depressed.   Invite the person to a meal. Talk to her about the importance of maintaining routines.   If her inability to take care of herself is prolonged,  do what you can to get her to a counselor (Dr. Losito).
  
  
• Plan ahead.  Ask the person in mourning what he-she wants to have happen at family events.  How would he like to acknowledge the loss and at the same time keep the holy days going for everyone?  Some families literally set an empty place at the table and take a moment to share anecdotes about the person who has passed away. Others make a toast to the memories.   Still others offer a prayer.   Talk together about what will feel best for everyone involved.
  
  
• Offer help.   If the grieving person is the one who usually hosts family gatherings, see if someone else can offer to do it this year.  If he-she wants to keep up the tradition, get as many family members as possible to help with the shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, and whatever else needs to be done.
  
  
• Talk to the grieving person about the loss.   Listen without judgment.  Resist giving advice.  Just be there.   Understand that grief comes and goes in intensity and frequency for quite awhile.  It is by talking and listening that we all integrate sadness and gradually move on.
  
  
• Try out a new activity that was never shared by the person who is gone. It’s helpful to do some things that aren’t shadowed by the fact that the last time we did them, the deceased person shared it.   If people like the new ideas, they can become part of the family tradition.  Or not.  Leave that decision for next year.
  

Time does indeed heal most things.  But everyone has his or her own sense of timing.  If this is your first Christmas season since the loss of a loved one, give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel and do what you need to do to get through it.  Find ways to honor the memory of your loved one and to accept the support and care of those who love you.

If you are a friend or family member of someone who is grieving, give them support, love, and concrete assistance.  By talking about their loved one and by listening to their stories and feelings, you help reassure them that the sadness may fade but our relationships with people we love never really ends.