How can I help a child deal with the death of a loved one?

How can I help a child deal with the death of a loved one?

Children grieve just as adults do. Any child old enough to form a relationship will experience some form of grief when a relationship is severed. Adults may not view a child behavior as grief as it is often demonstrated in behavioral patterns which we misunderstand and do not appear to us to be grief such as "moody," "cranky," or "withdrawn." When a death occurs children need to be surrounded by feelings of warmth, acceptance and understanding. This may be a tall order to expect of the adults who are experiencing their own grief and upset. Caring adults can guide children through this time when the child is experiencing feelings for which they have no words and thus can not identify. In a very real way, this time can be a growth experience for the child, teaching about love and relationships. The first task is to create an atmosphere in which the child's thoughts, fears and wishes are recognized. This means that they should be allowed to participate in any of the arrangements, ceremonies and gatherings which are comfortable for them. First, explain what will be happening and why it is happening at a level the child can understand. A child may not be able to speak at a grandparent's funeral but would benefit greatly from the opportunity to draw a picture to be placed in the casket or displayed at the service. Be aware that children will probably have short attention spans and may need to leave a service or gathering before the adults are ready. Many families provide a non-family attendant to care for the children in this event. The key is to allow the participation, not to force it. Forced participation can be harmful. Children instinctively have a good sense of how involved they wish to be. They should be listened to carefully.

How can I help an adult friend or family member deal with the death of a loved one?

Someone you know may be experiencing grief - perhaps the loss of a loved one, perhaps another type of loss - and you want to help. The fear of making things worse may encourage you to do nothing. Yet you do not wish to appear to be uncaring. Remember that it is better to try to do something, inadequate as you may feel, than to do nothing at all. Don't attempt to sooth or stifle the emotions of the griever. Tears and anger are an important part of the healing process. Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the result of a strong relationship and deserves the honor of strong emotion. When supporting someone in their grief the most important thing is to simply listen. Grief is a very confusing process, expressions of logic are lost on the griever. The question "tell me how you are feeling" followed by a patient and attentive ear will seem like a major blessing to the grief stricken. Be present, reveal your caring, listen. Your desire is to assist your friend down the path of healing. They will find their own way down that path, but they need a helping hand, an assurance that they are not entirely alone on their journey. It does not matter that you do not understand the details, your presence is enough. Risk a visit, it need not be long. The mourner may need time to be alone but will surely appreciate the effort you made to visit. Do some act of kindness. There are always ways to help. Run errands, answer the phone, prepare meals, mow the lawn, care for the children, shop for groceries, meet incoming planes or provide lodging for out of town relatives. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention.

How can I deal with the death of a loved one?

Bereavement is a powerful, life-changing experience that most people find overwhelming the first time. Although grief is a natural process of human life, most of us are not inherently able to manage it alone. At the same time, others are often unable to provide aid or insight because of discomfort with the situation and the desire to avoid making things worse. The following passage explains how some of our "normal" assumptions about grief may make it more difficult to deal with.

Five Assumptions That May Complicate

1. Life prepares us for loss. More is learned about loss through experience than through preparation. Living may not provide preparation for survival. Handling grief resulting from the death of a loved one is a process that takes hard work. The fortunate experience of a happy life may not have built a complete foundation for handling loss. Healing is built through perseverance, support and understanding. The bereaved need others: Find others who are empathetic.
2. Family and friends will understand. If a spouse dies children lose a parent, a sibling loses a sibling, a parent loses a child and a friend loses a friend. Only one loses a spouse. Each response is different according to the relationship. Family and friends may not be capable of understanding each other thoroughly. Consider the story of Job's grief in the Bible. Job's wife did not understand his grief. His friends did their best work the first week when they just sat and did not speak. It was when they began to share their judgements of Job and his life that they complicated Job's grief. Allowance must be made so that grief may be experienced and processed over time. The bereaved need others: Find others who are accepting.
3. The bereaved should be finished with their grief within one year or something is wrong. During the first year the bereaved will experience one of everything for the first time alone: anniversaries, birthdays, occasions, etc. Therefore grief will last for at least one year. The cliche, "the healing hands of time," does not go far enough to explain what must take place. The key to handling grief is in what work is done over time. It takes time and work to decide what to do and where to go with the new and changed life that is left behind. The bereaved need others: Find others who are patient.
4. Along with the end of grief's pain comes the end of the memories. At times, the bereaved may embrace the pain of grief believing it is all they have left. The lingering close bond to the deceased is sometimes thought to maintain the memories while, in fact, just the opposite is true. In learning to let go and live a new and changed life memories tend to come back more clearly. Growth and healing comes in learning to enjoy memories. The bereaved need others: Find new friends and interests.
5. The bereaved should grieve alone. After the funeral service is over the bereaved may find themselves alone. They may feel as though they are going crazy, painfully uncertain in their world of thoughts and emotions. The bereaved begin to feel normal again when the experience is shared with others who have lost a loved one. Then, in reaching out, the focus of life becomes forward. The bereaved need others: Find others who are experienced.

Bereavement Support

1. Smile. Put a smile on your face and in your eyes, voice and heart as often as possible.
2. Make eye contact. Look people openly, warmly and squarely in the eye.
3. Open your body language. While facing the person with whom you are talking, open your chest, your heart and your arms.
4. Address people by name. Honor people by calling them by name as you greet them, give them thanks, ask a question or bid them farewell.
5. Speak with a friendly tone. Warm your tone of voice with love and kindness.
6. Be present. Give your complete and undivided attention to others when they are speaking to you.
7. Express gratitude. Focus your attention on the goodness in others, verbalize all that you appreciate and give thanks.
8. Slow down. Breathe and gift yourself and others with time to address situations and transition from them.
9. Reflect empathy and compassion. Honor people’s emotional experiences. Normalize and validate their feelings so they feel heard, known and understood.
10. Have integrity. Keep your word. Do what you say you are going to do.  Live according to your values.
11. Have good manners. Be polite, conscientious and gracious.
12. Demonstrate thoughtfulness. Get out of your own head and be of service to others. Consider their feelings and experiences.
13. Give genuine compliments. Tell others their strengths, give positive feedback and express what you admire about them.
14. Give salutations. Make the effort to open and close verbal and email interactions with a nice greeting or closure, rather than abruptly asking for something with neither a hello nor goodbye.
15. Be generous. Give and share whatever you can, whenever you can.
16. Be kind. Be the bigger person. Kindness is a choice. 
17. Show compassion. Demonstrate self-compassion by cutting yourself some slack extend this same compassion to others.
18. Be patient. Breathe and breathe out. Patience is a virtue.
19. Demonstrate self-awareness. Notice the impact you have on others by paying attention to their facial expressions, tone and body language. Consider how what you are saying will feel to them and how it will impact them. Make adjustments accordingly.
20. Be truthful. The truth has different layers and sometimes the deepest layer is hurtful or inappropriate. Speak the truth from the deepest layer that is appropriate. Speak from a place of kindness.
21. Be reliable. Follow through with responsibilities and commitments with competency and effective communication.
22. Be forgiving. Each time somebody else makes a mistake it is an opportunity for you to extend kindness and compassion and to let go of resentments that keep you tethered to the past.
23. Apologize. We are human and nobody is perfect. When you make a mistake, make an amend or extend a sincere and timely apology.
24. Take responsibility. Drop the defensiveness and the excuses and accept responsibility for yourself, your actions and your behaviors.
25. Express love. Be open-minded and non-judgemental. Extend love to yourself and to others. Choose to be loving whenever possible—it is always possible.

New Year of Good Affirmations

Building self-esteem involves reprogramming negative thoughts and feelings about yourself. We cannot simply replace the negative statements. They have been living with us for a long time; for some, a lifetime. Using affirmations can help change these negative thoughts and allow you to consciously and subconsciously focus on the positive, which is a valuable tool in building self-esteem.

How Affirmations Work

Without even realizing it, we tell ourselves negative statements more frequently then positives. Negative self-talk is part of low self-esteem, and when these thoughts are repeated over and over again, they become our reality. By using the power of  affirmations and repeating them daily, you can recondition your thoughts and change how you think and feel about any situation.

A friend of mine constantly put herself down. She tells herself she is not skinny enough, pretty enough, and frequently belittles herself for any decision she makes. She creates negativity with these thoughts about herself. Instead of saying, “I deserved that piece of pizza and I am proud of myself for only having one slice, she says “I am pathetic and I am never going to be in shape. I may as well eat the whole pie.” When we begin using  affirmations in our daily lives, our thoughts and decisions  are altered, making us live in a more loving and beautiful mindset.

How to Use Affirmations

• Start with a direct statement of a positive change you want to make in your life. Willingness to change is the first step you need in order to actually make any substantial shift An alternative is to affirm that you are becoming something or learning to do something. For my friend it may be “I am learning to love and take care of my body.”
• An affirmation should be short, simple, and direct. “I believe in myself” or “I am an amazing person.”
• Keep them in the present tense. “I am important” or present progressive tense – “I am learning to love myself.” Telling yourself that some change will happen in the future makes it harder to believe.
• Make sure you read them allowed multiple times a day. You can write them on your bathroom mirror so it is the first and last thing you see during the day. You can also write on note cards and keep them in your car or in your bag or have an alarm set in your phone that displays it at certain times a day.
• Avoid saying negatives. Instead of saying “ I am no longer worried about speaking in public.” Try “I am becoming fearless about speaking in public.” Imagine yourself doing this in this positive tense.

The best way to reinforce affirmation is by repetition and really trying to feel this to be true for you. Ask yourself, what would this feel like if I was feeling confident, loved, whatever affirmation rings true for you.

Examples of Affirmations

• I am becoming healthier everyday
• I love myself
• I am a great _________
• I am worthy of love
• I am a confident and beautiful person

Create your own affirmation or find one that applies to something you are struggling with in the moment. When you begin to use affirmations as a tool, you will build your self-esteem.