Abandonment

Loving and wanting someone who does not love us back engenders a deep personal wound. Rejection hits a raw nerve whose root begins in childhood.  It arouses our abandonment issues.   Abandonment is primal fear, the first fear that each of us experience as an infant.   It is the fear that we will be left, literally abandoned, with no one to care for us. Abandonment's wound is cumulative.   It contains all of our losses, disconnections and disappointments from early on, the death of a parent, a teenage breakup, being out-shown by a sibling, these experiences make us more susceptible to heartbreak when we are abandoned as adults.

The abandonment wound, stored deep within the limbic brain, is easily triggered.   You feel its raw nerve twinge when you fail to get recognition at work, a friend forgets to invite you to a party, or a date you thought was special did not call back.   When being left is the trigger, core abandonment fears erupt. Stress hormones course through our bodies, compelling even the strongest among us to feel desperate and dependent.  However self-sufficient we think we are, we suddenly feel we can’t live without him/her.
Being left also kicks up our control issues.   The breakup wasn't our choice.   Someone else cast us into this lonesomeness by choosing not to be with us.   We feel at loss of our personal power to compel another person's love. "I must be unlovable and unworthy for him to discard me like that."  Abandonment is similar to other types of bereavement, but its grief is complicated by rejection and betrayal.   We turn the rage against ourselves, accounting for the severe depression that accompanies heartbreak.   When we blame the breakup on our supposed inadequacies, we abandon ourselves.   We automatically think to ourselves, “There must be something wrong with me that makes me not worth keeping.”
We emerge not only disconnected from self-love, but with a heightened fear of abandonment.   If one person can discard us, we fear others will do the same to us in the future.   Rather than dissipate, this fear tends to incubate.   Its insecurity burrows deep within us where it sabotages our relationships.   The fear of being left makes it more difficult to let go.   The rejection creates nagging conflict; closure remains incomplete.   We feel unjustly dismissed and we long for an opportunity to vindicate the hurt.   We are left alone to grapple with the broken pieces.   Mixed with our rage is a desire for our sigificant other to come back to take away the hurt and rejection.
The paradox of abandonment is the tendency to idealize the abandoner.   He or she emerges in our imaginations as a powerful figure.   We assume she must be very special to have caused this much torment simply by being absent.   The intense craving is confusing to our limbic brain.   Stress hormones course through our bodies, causing a heightened response to anything related to our ex for a long time.   An important thing to understand is there are five universal stages that accompany the loss of love: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting. As we make our way through these stages of grief and recovery, we build self-esteem, resolve fear and self-doubt and restore the spirit.
The Five Stages of Abandonment are: 1. Shattering: Severing of love-connection, devastation, shattering of hopes and dreams. The emotions are shock, panic, despair, feeling you can't live without your love. 2. Withdrawal: You're in painful withdrawal of love-loss, as intense as heroin withdrawal. The emotions are yearning, craving, obsessing, longing for your ex's return. 3. Internalizing: As you try to making sense of the rejection, you doubt and blame yourself.   To idealize the abandoner at your own expense,  and fear incubates.  4. Rage: Reversing the rejection and having retaliatory feelings. Displacing anger on friends who don't understand or are critical of the abandoner leads to more unhealthy action.  5. Lifting: Rising out despair, life begins to distract you. You begin to open to love again and all its possibilities.   You “SWIRL” through all the stages over and over until you emerge out the end of the tunnel a changed person capable of greater life and love than before.

Grief and Grieving - When to Call a Doctor

If you or someone you know develops complications of grief, such as disturbing or suicidal  thoughts, depression, and anxiety, get help.

Call 911 or other emergency services  if:

• You think you cannot stop yourself from harming or killing yourself.
• You hear voices that frighten you, especially if the voices tell you to hurt yourself or other people.
• Someone who is grieving tries to harm himself or herself or someone else.
• Someone who is grieving threatens to hurt someone else or makes threats of suicide.

Call a doctor if:

• You feel hopeless and detached for more than a couple of weeks.
• You cannot stop yourself from thinking about death or suicide.
• You have a sudden change in your behavior that concerns you, such as drinking more alcohol than you normally do.
• You have been grieving longer than you think is good for you.
• Someone you know has symptoms of depression. These symptoms include feeling sad and hopeless or losing interest in most daily activities.

Who to see

Counseling is best done by a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling, such as a:

• LCSW.
• Psychologist.
• LPC.  
• Psychiatry, who can prescribe medicine to control symptoms. Some psychiatrists also offer counseling.

Dr. Losito is also available for consultations.  

What Is the Cause

Grief and grieving are the natural response to a major loss, 

such as the death of a loved one. Loss can cause feelings of 

grief, sometimes when you least expect it.

You may find that old feelings of grief from past loss can be 

triggered by current experiences or anniversaries of that loss. 

This is normal.

Anticipatory grief is grief that happens in advance of an impending loss. You may feel 

anticipatory grief because a loved one is sick and dying. Anticipatory grief helps us prepare 

for loss.

Grief Among Children

At one time, children were considered miniature adults, and their behaviors were expected to be modeled as such. Today there is a greater awareness of developmental differences between childhood and other developmental stages in the human life cycle. Differences between the grieving process for children and the grieving process for adults are recognized. It is now believed that the real issue for grieving children is not whether they grieve, but how they exhibit their grief and mourning.

The primary difference between bereaved adults and bereaved children is that intense emotional and behavioral expressions are not continuous in children. A child's grief may appear more intermittent and briefer than that of an adult, but in fact a child's grief usually lasts longer.

The work of mourning in childhood needs to be addressed repeatedly at different developmental and chronological milestones. Because bereavement is a process that continues over time, children will revisit the loss repeatedly, especially during significant life events (e.g., going to camp, graduating from school, marrying, and experiencing the births of their own children). Children must complete the grieving process, eventually achieving resolution of grief.

Although the experience of loss is unique and highly individualized, several factors can influence a child's grief:

·         Age.

·         Personality.

·         Stage of development.

·         Previous experiences with death.

·         Previous relationship with the deceased.

·         Environment.

·         Cause of death.

·         Patterns of interaction and communication within the family.

·         Stability of family life after the loss.

·         How the child's needs for sustained care are met.

·         Availability of opportunities to share and express feelings and memories.

·         Parental styles of coping with stress.

·         Availability of consistent relationships  with other adults.

Children do not react to loss in the same ways as adults and may not display their feelings as openly as adults do. In addition to verbal communication, grieving children may employ play, drama, art, school work, and stories. Bereaved children may not withdraw into preoccupation with thoughts of the deceased person; they often immerse themselves in activities (e.g., they may be sad one minute and then playing outside with friends the next). Families often incorrectly interpret this behavior to mean the child does not really understand or has already gotten over the death. Neither assumption may be true; children's minds protect them from thoughts and feelings that are too powerful for them to handle.

Grief During and Aftercare of a Miscarriage .

Of all the things a woman may go through, miscarriage may be one of the most poorly understood. You may feel terribly sad, yet alone, because some of the people closest to you simply don't grasp what you're going through.

They may want to empathize, but not know how to relate, especially if they haven’t experienced a miscarriage themselves. They may not comprehend how real your baby was to you, even though you didn't get to hold it.

Here is a brief look at the very real grief that can happen after miscarriage and suggestions for how to move through it.

Recognizing Grief After Miscarriage

Many women blame themselves for miscarriage. The truth is, most miscarriages are outside your control. Try not to add to your grief by blaming yourself.

You may need time to heal emotionally after you lose a baby to miscarriage. It is very normal to grieve, not just for your baby, but also for all of the dreams you had for you and your child. 

Grief takes different forms for different people. You might feel:

• Angry
• Lonely
• Guilty 
• Unmotivated
• Unable to concentrate

You may find it difficult to be around families with healthy infants for a while. Even after you think you’ve moved on, grief can return without warning. The baby’s due date or Mother's Day can bring back old feelings of sorrow and longing. Some women have a resurgence of grief when they get pregnant again.

How long and deeply you grieve depends upon many different factors. For example, grief can be worse if you miscarry later in your pregnancy because you had more time to get attached to your baby.  It’s possible your grief will be deeper and take longer to work through if you were quite far along in planning for your baby, for instance if you picked a name or decorated the nursery.

Getting Support After Miscarriage

Grief may make you feel like retreating, but try to get the support you need right now and in the future.

Support each other. Your spouse or partner may be grieving as well, even if it is hard to recognize. For instance, you may be angry and he may feel numb. Or you may need to talk, while he can’t find words for his feelings. If you're not connecting, seek the help of a counselor who can help you understand and support each other.

Consider a support group. You may find comfort and healing in a support group with others who have also lost a child to miscarriage. Your hospital or health care provider may be able to refer you to a nearby support group. The group, Share: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support:  Hand of Compassion continues to strive to provide the nurturing support to the couples of the time and as well as after care.  Dr. Losito, continue to provide the understanding, direction, and nurturing for all the couples.

Find what works for you. Grief has a way of lasting longer than you think it will. You can give yourself time, you can talk to understanding friends and family, but you can’t rush the grief process. Consider planting a tree, giving to a charity, or finding some other way to memorialize your lost baby. Some women try to get pregnant again soon after they miscarry. Others lead support groups or talk to other women who have had the same experience. If you go easy on yourself and stay open, you will find something that works for you. 

Hand of Compassion and Dr. Losito continues to provide support to all Mother's and Loved one involved with the pregnancy.  

Mission Statement of Hand of Compassion

Defined by Hand of Compassion as a encompassing ownership of commitment to an interest a faith-based; empowerment through developing of one’s own plans; taking charge of one life; fostering one’s drive to success of economic self-sufficiency and suitable economic development.

Hand of Compassion Mission Hand of Compassion is a faith-based institute in Century City; CA. Founded in 1997, its mission is to serve as a catalyst to provide care to those that suffer from grief and loss symptoms from death and dying, unemployment, relationships, relocation, homeless, death from violent crimes, domestic violence and spiritual brokenness.

Hand of Compassion Philosophy Hand of Compassion philosophy is based on four tents;

• Community participation is essentials for community development
• Economic self-sufficiency is a viable tool to combat the negative behaviors currently plaguing individuals, families, and communities
• Collaborations and community partnerships are our only option to create long term systemic changes
• Provide up to date state of the art grief and loss principles and technicians to navigate each one of clients back to healthy status in life.

Hand of Compassion Goals: Increase awareness of bereavement care into our communities to provide a better environment of living for those that have suffered extremely severe grief and loss tragedy; Advance adults professional, education, mentally, spiritually, cultural and other life skills techniques.

Grief and Grieving - Treatment Overview

Grief  itself is a natural response that doesn't require medical treatment. But sometimes people need help getting through the grieving process.

Initial grief

• Medicine. During the initial days of grief, anxiety or sleeplessness can make it difficult to function. If you suffer more than a few days of severe agitation, talk to your doctor about whether a short-term prescription sedative medicine can help you. (Doctors disagree about the usefulness of medicines for people who are grieving. Some doctors believe that giving medicines for anxiety or sleep may interfere with the ability to grieve.)

• Counseling. If you find that obstacles to grieving are making it difficult to function after a loss, talk to Dr. Losito at 877-867-8556 , attend a bereavement support group, or both. Counseling and support groups can also help you work through unresolved grief from a past loss.

Chronic grief and complications

If you or someone you know exhibits suicidal behavior  (such as thinking you cannot stop yourself from harming or killing yourself), call 911 or other emergency services immediately.

If you find that a major loss has caused complications, such as depression, prolonged anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or severe and prolonged grief, see your doctor and a grief counselor for treatment.

If you have a chronic medical condition that has been made worse by the emotional and physical stress of grief, see your doctor immediately.