When a friend is
grieving the loss of a loved one, it’s easy to feel helpless. Sometimes we
think we’re doing the right thing by trying to cheer them up, pointing out the
positives or letting them know that they should try to move on.
Well-intentioned as we may be, those efforts tend to put pressure on them and
leave them feeling invalidated.
So here are eight ways
to help you support your friend in times of need.
Let go of time
expectations. The person grieving may struggle for longer than expected. If
this happens, regardless of how frustrating or frightening it may be for you,
let them grieve for however long they need, knowing you won’t judge them for
it.
Recognize the stages of
grief. Most people suffering a loss will go through these stages, often in no
particular order and sometimes repeating stages: denial, bargaining, anger,
depression and acceptance. Each one is healthy and necessary. The more familiar
you are with these stages, the better equipped you’ll be to support your
friend.
Variables to grief. One
person’s grief is never the same as another’s. Variables include the cause and
length of death, the personal resiliency of the grieving person, what their
previous experiences have been, how large their support network is and their
relationship to the person lost. Be understanding of how this can change their
experience of grief from your own or someone else you have known.
Resist telling them how
strong they are. We are often inclined to praise the person who appears to be
coping stoically with a loss. The problem is that we need to allow them to be
human and vulnerable sometimes too. After all, there’s strength in letting out
your emotions from time to time.
Offer the bereaved ways
to memorialize. Funerals and memorial services work to give support and closure
to the bereaved. We can also memorialize in other ways, like planting trees,
writing letters or having remembrance gatherings.
Ask them what they
need. It’s normal to feel you can guess what your friend needs based on what
you might need in their position. Because we’re all different, it is best to
ask them what it is that you can do for them. If they say “I don’t know” or
“nothing,” resist the desire to walk away in your frustration or worry. Just
offer your support in whatever way you can and let them know that you will be
there when they think of something.
Continue to check in on
them. At the time of a funeral, many people offer help and support to the
grieving person. As the weeks and months pass everyone’s lives move forward and
they generally forget to follow up on their offerings of help and support. Be
the person who follows up. You don’t have to give all of your energy, but your
caring will be appreciated and will provide untold comfort.
