Seek the Bereavement Counselor

How does a young child recover from the loss of a Father or Mother. In most case a young child does not and then goes into an adult full of abandonment, lack of parenting, Drug and Alcohol uses, and most case become homeless in the end. 

Dr. Nicholas Losito, Ph.D,CTS is there to provide Pre-Anticipatory losses and Prepare the young child from ever becoming lost, forgotten, and prepare them for Success.  

Coping With A Funeral

When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or whether it was expected or not, you will find yourself having to deal with a great number of people. Some you will know closely, others may be complete strangers; all will be claiming some kind of relationship to the deceased.

Whilst grieving for your loved one you may find yourself not wanting contact with anybody other than those to whom you are closest. Having to deal with so many people can be very difficult so it's important to understand how to handle them.

Relatives and Close Friends

Those who were close to the deceased need to be contacted before the funeral. When you break the news, remember that they will also need the chance to express their grief and this must be respected, no matter how deeply distressed you are feeling yourself.

Sometimes it can be difficult, if not impossible, to trace certain family members. Don't feel guilty if you've not been able to contact all of them.

Some of those who you'll need to contact may be people who you do not know personally. If they come to the funeral and you have not been able to speak to them properly it would be a good idea to write or telephone them later, to thank them for attending.

The Small Funeral

Perhaps you have decided on a small funeral, either through your own personal preference or because the deceased made their own preference clear. Perhaps the financial side of the funeral will force you into this decision. Make the decision clear and stick to it.

You may find that some friends or relatives insist on attending even after you've explained this to them. Be polite but firm. Explain that you appreciate their wish to attend, but that it is a family decision to enforce such a restriction. If they still insist, they are simply being insensitive and you may have to take a different approach. You might tell them that the date of the funeral has not yet been decided and leave things at that. Whatever you do, don't allow anyone to emotionally blackmail you into changing your decision. And don't feel guilty if you need to lie. They are being insensitive, and you are simply trying to deal with matters as best you can.

Polite Conversation

Unless the funeral is very small it will probably be impossible for you to speak to all of the attendees. Don't even try. Most people will understand that you are not going to feel like making polite conversation. You will find that those will any degree of sensitivity will simply approach you, kiss your cheek/shake your hand and offer their condolences. They will not expect more than you are able to offer.

The Wake

Most people organize some form of refreshment after the funeral. This can be a good way of accepting condolences from those you were unable to speak with during the actual service. By offering refreshments you are showing that you are willing to share your grief with those who are also suffering through their own loss.

Enlist the help of a friend or two. You may feel that you will be able to cope but having support close by will be very helpful should you find that you are feeling too upset to appear.

The Will

It's an unfortunate fact that funerals can often bring out the worst in people. Some of the most long-lasting family arguments have started at a funeral,
with squabbles over who should get what. You may find yourself surprised at just who is able to throw themselves into such arguments, even though they are in the midst of their own grief.

You may find yourself being quizzed at the graveside. People can be very clever in their approach, offering condolences and then adding the innocent question of what the deceased has left to whom. You may also find yourself the target of malicious comments regarding your 'improved financial situation'. There can be more hidden rivalry within families than most would imagine.

You mustn't allow yourself to be drawn into arguments. Simply pretend to ignore any unwanted comments and questions. If they persist, explain that you are far too upset to think about such matters at the moment and that if they've been mentioned in the will then they will be contacted in due course.

In the case of a will never having been made and where there is any disagreement regarding who has the right to what, explain that you will appoint a solicitor to handle the estate and explain, as above, that they will be contacted in due course.

The Following Days

Some people find themselves terribly alone in the days following the funeral, whereas others feel that they never have any time to themselves to grieve. Remember that others cannot read your mind anymore than you can read theirs, they're simply doing what they believe to be right.

If they choose to stay away, they are probably doing so out of respect for your privacy. If they choose to spend as much time as possible with you, this will be because they fear for your ability to cope alone. Explain to them what your needs are. If you need people around you, phone some friends and ask them to visit. If you need to be alone, explain this politely and ask if you may phone them should you need their company. You'll find that most people are very accommodating as long as they understand your needs.

The loss of a loved one is never easy and nobody will ever expect it to be. For some the funeral seems to pass as just a hazy memory, leaving a feeling of guilt at not remembering the details of this last farewell. Remember that it's the memories you have of the person when alive that are important, and it's these that will remain clear to you in the future. During deep grief it can be very difficult to grasp details of what's happening but this does not mean you didn't care. Quite the opposite in fact.

8 ways to forgive yourself and let go of your past

 Question:   I enjoyed your articles about forgiving other people, but how do you forgive yourself and move on when you have made many mistakes? That is what I struggle with.

Answer:  You are not alone. Most of us hold on to past mistakes and let them affect our self-esteem for way too long. This is not healthy and does not serve anyone. Here are eight suggestions that may help you to forgive yourself:

1. Look at the past experiences as locations on your journey through life, instead of letting them define who you areIf you were on a road trip and drove through Texas, would the time you spent there make you a Texan? Of course not. It was just the location you drove through; it doesn’t change who you are. Your value is the same no matter what you experience along your journey. Mistakes teach you important lessons, but they don’t define who you are — at least they don't have to. You can see them as locations on your journey if you choose to.

2. Give yourself permission to be a work in progressChoose to see life as a classroom, not a testing center. You have the option to believe that your value isn’t on the line here and you are not being graded — you are just here to learn and grow. Seeing life as a classroom helps you focus on the lessons so you can forgive yourself and try to do better next time.

3. Understand how pointless shame isI believe "shame" stands for: should have already mastered everything. That is ridiculous. You are a student in the classroom of life. There is no way could know it all, all the time. Give yourself permission to be an imperfect work in progress. You are learning and growing and that is enough.

4. Figuratively get rid of it for goodYou could write it down on paper and burn it. You could write what you did, put it in a box and bury it in the backyard. Then make a rule that you can’t bring it up again, unless you dig the box up first. (This exercise is great for couples who keep fighting about the past too.) Bury that stuff deep and let it die there. There is no sense wasting energy on things you can’t change. Focus on the future instead.

5. Learn some new skillsFocus on making your future brighter. This is in your control. Be present and find ways to improve yourself daily. Learning new skills is great for your self-esteem.
6. Imagine there is a dark room in your house where you can stash negative thoughts and emotionsEvery time negative thoughts show up, which aren't worth processing anymore, visualize putting them in the dark room and slamming the door. You can always go in there, if you need to process it some more and dwell in self-pity. But you could also leave the negativity in the dark room forever. This empowers you to have control over what to do with those feelings.

7. Clean out your closets and your houseMost people, who hold on to old stuff, are also holding on to old ways of thinking and feeling. When you get rid of your old stuff, you can send your old beliefs, mistakes and fears out with it. Cleaning your house out will make you feel fresh and new on every level.

8. Change it up and try new thingsBreak out of your old ruts and change some things. Try new outfit combinations, new foods, new restaurants, new sports or new kinds of movies. The more you break out of routine and change it up, you will also open yourself up to feel differently about yourself and your life.Steve Maraboli, in his book "Life, the Truth, and Being Free," said “Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” The past is out of your control; there is nothing you can do to change it. Let it go.

Choose joy for today.

You can do this. 

Ramifications

Ramifications are not recognized by either woman or man when that particular mate has a subvert plan of action causes long lasting devastation for mate who has to go on with life alone. This is the case for too many couples in the advent of “Noncommittal” I have interviewed many couples who have been with the same mate for 65 plus years, who continued to state the reason the marriage lasted to the 100 years was the action of kiss and make up was continuous implementation in each of the case I interviewed.

Just recently a woman out nowhere told a man she felt kiss and make up was not in her scope of living. She just wanted her book back that was given to the man and said, “I don’t have to give you any indicators of my decision “in summery she said, “It is not my nature to tell you nothing.” This left the man knocked off his rocker for not being permitted to say what he felt. This left the man stunned that his thoughts and feelings where disregard from the woman who was totally in control of this action.

The women concluded by saying now get friends, rest, and your own space. This was a statement of being uncommitted, selfishness, and inconsideration of a man who has a devotion to this woman. This one of the many scenarios that will be popping in during these moments in our state of non-committal .

First Hand Bereavement

Dealing With Grief

Risk Factors

Medical research has not identified what causes complicated grief or who may be more susceptible. However, there are some established situations where a person is more likely to develop prolonged grief. These include:

• An unexpected or especially violent death
• Lack of a support system – either family or close friends
• Suicide of a loved one
• Childhood separation from parents or loved ones
• Dependent relationship with the deceased loved one
• History of childhood abuse or neglect
• Being unprepared for the loss
• Experiencing multiple losses within a short period of time

These factors may indicate a situation where prolonged grief can occur. However, some people will not experience prolonged grief even when they are exposed to one or more of these situations. The best way to diagnose complicated grief is to carefully monitor your loved one and make sure that the symptoms of grief subside over time.

Symptoms

As mentioned previously, the initial symptoms of complicated grief are similar to those of normal grief. For the first few months, normal grief and complicated grief are often indistinguishable. The difference occurs because the symptoms of normal grief begin to disappear over time while the signs of complicated often linger or worsen.

Other signs of chronic grief include:

• Obsessive focus on the loss or on reminders of the lost loved one
• Intense yearning for the deceased
• Numbness or detachment from the outside world or from inner emotions
• Preoccupation with personal grief
• Bitterness or anger
• Inability to find pleasure in life
• Depression
• Inability to carry out normal routines
• Lack of trust in others
• No motivation to attend social events
• Feeling that life has no meaning or purpose

Here are 7 tips to help during this time:

Here are 7 tips to help during this time:

• If you are mourning for a recent loss make sure to make time for feeling the emotions that arise, whether they are anger, sadness, or pain. There is no need to judge these emotions as good or bad and know that it is Ok to feel these and they will not last forever as all things come and go. You may even create a little ritual where you spend time with the picture or object connected to the person who has passed.
• Friends sometimes get uncomfortable around grief and if they try and make you feel better in the moment, thank them for this, and let them know it is normal and natural to feel how you feel.
• Make sure to also take care of yourself during this time, go out on a walk, make sure to eat healthy.
• Try and open your eyes to the delights around you. It could be a smile on a child’s face or your own. Smelling a wonderful flower or maybe tasting your own favorite food. Even in the midst of grief we can be open to the wonders of life.
• Know your limits and allow yourself to take a break from feeling when it’s becoming overwhelming, but make sure to let your grief know that you will come back. Make a time to revisit it otherwise it will occupy you all day.
• Being altruistic can be a great way to move through grief. Maybe you would like to volunteer at a homeless shelter or make some things for those you care about.
• Support has been known to be very helpful and so joining a grief or support group either online or in person can be enormously supportive.

 More than anything treat yourself with love and kindness during this time, The grief will seem more acute during some times and more subtle during others. May you know deeply, “this too shall pass.”

As always, please share your thoughts, comments, and questions below. Your experiences and additions here provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.