8 ways to forgive yourself and let go of your past

 Question:   I enjoyed your articles about forgiving other people, but how do you forgive yourself and move on when you have made many mistakes? That is what I struggle with.

Answer:  You are not alone. Most of us hold on to past mistakes and let them affect our self-esteem for way too long. This is not healthy and does not serve anyone. Here are eight suggestions that may help you to forgive yourself:

1. Look at the past experiences as locations on your journey through life, instead of letting them define who you areIf you were on a road trip and drove through Texas, would the time you spent there make you a Texan? Of course not. It was just the location you drove through; it doesn’t change who you are. Your value is the same no matter what you experience along your journey. Mistakes teach you important lessons, but they don’t define who you are — at least they don't have to. You can see them as locations on your journey if you choose to.

2. Give yourself permission to be a work in progressChoose to see life as a classroom, not a testing center. You have the option to believe that your value isn’t on the line here and you are not being graded — you are just here to learn and grow. Seeing life as a classroom helps you focus on the lessons so you can forgive yourself and try to do better next time.

3. Understand how pointless shame isI believe "shame" stands for: should have already mastered everything. That is ridiculous. You are a student in the classroom of life. There is no way could know it all, all the time. Give yourself permission to be an imperfect work in progress. You are learning and growing and that is enough.

4. Figuratively get rid of it for goodYou could write it down on paper and burn it. You could write what you did, put it in a box and bury it in the backyard. Then make a rule that you can’t bring it up again, unless you dig the box up first. (This exercise is great for couples who keep fighting about the past too.) Bury that stuff deep and let it die there. There is no sense wasting energy on things you can’t change. Focus on the future instead.

5. Learn some new skillsFocus on making your future brighter. This is in your control. Be present and find ways to improve yourself daily. Learning new skills is great for your self-esteem.
6. Imagine there is a dark room in your house where you can stash negative thoughts and emotionsEvery time negative thoughts show up, which aren't worth processing anymore, visualize putting them in the dark room and slamming the door. You can always go in there, if you need to process it some more and dwell in self-pity. But you could also leave the negativity in the dark room forever. This empowers you to have control over what to do with those feelings.

7. Clean out your closets and your houseMost people, who hold on to old stuff, are also holding on to old ways of thinking and feeling. When you get rid of your old stuff, you can send your old beliefs, mistakes and fears out with it. Cleaning your house out will make you feel fresh and new on every level.

8. Change it up and try new thingsBreak out of your old ruts and change some things. Try new outfit combinations, new foods, new restaurants, new sports or new kinds of movies. The more you break out of routine and change it up, you will also open yourself up to feel differently about yourself and your life.Steve Maraboli, in his book "Life, the Truth, and Being Free," said “Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” The past is out of your control; there is nothing you can do to change it. Let it go.

Choose joy for today.

You can do this. 

Contentment over Happiness

Sure, we all want to feel happy.  But seeking contentment is a better goal.  Happiness is a mood state, inevitably fleeting, while contentment is more sustainable.  Here are some thoughts on how to find it.

I define contentment as being able to be in the moment BECAUSE you have a sense of the larger picture–you’re able to appreciate momentary pleasure and shrug off stress and annoyances by virtue of knowing that you are where you want to be on a grander scale (or you can envision yourself getting to where you want to be.)

I know, it sounds deceptively simple.  Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to do. 

 Like when people tell you “Be in the moment” or “Be spontaneous”–you become all the more self-conscious.

But they also get easier with practice.  Mindfulness and appreciation can be learned skills.  They come more naturally to some than others, but if you stick with it, you will improve.

1)  When your mind wanders, gently bring it back to the present.

I say “gently” because frustration is an enemy of being in the moment.  And contentment involves some degree of present-focus.  So if you’re on, say, a family outing and you’re thinking about all the laundry you have to do, remind yourself to be where you are.  You’ll probably have to remind yourself of this multiple times, and that’s okay.  It’s all practice.

2)  Realize that  happiness–like frustration or irritation or anger–is fleeting.

The reason this is actually a positive realization is that we have a tendency to forget that all emotions pass, given time.  So when we’re in a negative space, we need to pause, breathe deeply, and let it go by.  When we’re happy, we need to embrace it because it’s finite.

3)  Contentment lasts.

That’s because there’s a cognitive component to contentment.  Taking stock of where you are and deciding what you love, what you can change, and what you need to accept is key to contentment.

If you make lists and re-read them, it will help ground you overall.  That will make numbers 1 and 2 on this list easier to practice.  You’ll have something to draw on in that larger scheme.

Self-compassion and the recognition that life is a process, not an outcome, will also be helpful.  Contentment is about cultivating a mindset that promotes happiness.  Then you don’t need to chase it, or to run away from negative emotions, either.

Coping With Traumatic Events

• Spend time with other people. Coping with stressful events is easier when people support each other.
• If it helps, talk about how you are feeling. Be willing to listen to others who need to talk about how you feel.
• Get back to your everyday routines. Familiar habits can be comforting.
• Take time to grieve and cry if you need to. To feel better in the long run, you need to let these feelings out instead pushing them away or hiding them.
• Ask support from family, friends, Church, and other community resources. Join Hand of Passion Support Group call 877 867 8556.
• Eat healthy food and take time to walk , stretch, exercise, and relax,. Even if for a few minutes at a time.
• Make Sure you get enough rest and sleep. You may need more sleep than usual when you highly stress.
• Do Something that just feels good to you, such as taking a warm bath, taking a walk, sitting in the sun, or petting your pet.
• If you are trying to do too much, cur back by putting off or giving up things that abounding necessary
• If TV news reports get too distressing, turn them off and distract your self by doing something you enjoy.