Staying Alive Is Not Enough

Eternal Physician

Since, Thanksgiving and Christmas of 1996, My Pop's death took me back a 1000 feet.  I have experienced a feeling I had never felt before this particular Christmas. Since afterwards every Holy season I started to worry that depression would take hold, and I won’t be ready for it.

My depression has started to creep up on me and it’s not even Thanksgiving yet. Luckily, I went to my own personal Psychologist to see about increasing the milligrams of my antidepressant, I preparing for a potential Holiday depression?  He told me with the Faith that I have there is no need to recommend any medicine. He continued to say, Christ Is the Eternal Physician.  Allow Christ to provide you with the balance and order this Holy Season. For the first time I am taking a step prior to a depression that might not even be that bad, but, I think it is better to prepare for things when you have a history of seasonal depression.

My Trust in Christ the Eternal Physician Is providing me with everything that Is needed to take care of business and provide care to humanity. 

Care Giver and Bereavment

Grief is our normal, natural, and necessary response to loss. Its flip-side, bereavement (or mourning), is the process of responding to, and ultimately surviving loss. Both grief and bereavement are individualized experiences, and experts say everyone's experience is different.

How We Grieve

We tend to grieve along a spectrum of grieving styles. One end of the spectrum has been called "intuitive grieving," characterized by outbursts of emotion and the need to talk about one's feelings. The other end has been called "instrumental grieving," characterized by a focus on doing things that help one cope.
But it's not one or the other for most people. Healthy grieving almost always is some combination of both styles.
Since the 1960s, people have talked about the stages of grief and bereavement -- denial, anger, bargaining,  depression, and acceptance. But for most people, grief isn't a linear process of moving from one stage to the next. Instead, stages tend to loop around and come back again and again.
Many factors, including how the loved one's illness progressed, how long the caregiver provided care, and whether the caregiver has a good support system, have an influence on how long people mourn.
Grief symptoms associated with an expected death -- anger, numbness, crying, sleepless nights, mood swings, aches and pains, forgetfulness -- tend to peak around the six-month mark, then taper off.
When symptoms don't fade over time, a person may be suffering from what psychologists call "complicated grief." If it's been several months since the loss and your feelings are still so strong that you can't resume your normal routine, it's time to talk to your doctor or to seek psychological counseling.

A Helping Hand

For caregivers whose loved one is in a  palliative care program, the team's social worker, grief counselor, and spiritual counselor are available to help and support caregivers during their loved one's illness and after the loved one has died.
Part of what the palliative care team does is look for situations or triggers that might indicate a caregiver is having difficulty or that might complicate the grieving and bereavement. Then the team will help the caregiver look at options and alternatives to ease the grief and sense of loss.


Most caregivers who lose a loved one will experience a normal sense of grief and bereavement. Normal, though, does not mean free of emotional, physical, and spiritual pain. Here are things you can do to help with those feelings:

• Know the triggers. The first year will have many emotional triggers: first birthday without the loved one, the first Thanksgiving, the anniversary of the death. When these "firsts" occur, the waves of grief can come crashing back.
• Know your priorities. It's important to maintain friendships, routines, activities, and other things that nourish you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
• Plan for the unexpected. One way to do this is to think about and rehearse your responses to the questions others might ask. Doing so can keep you from being blindsided.
• Don't bottle things up. Talk to the palliative care social worker, counselor, advance practice nurse, and physician. Talking about things helps you acknowledge your feelings and enables you to say good-bye and find emotional closure.
• Don't try to do it alone. Before your loved one is gone, make sure you've put together a support system made up of people you can count on to be there, lean on for support, and depend on for help with chores and other things that need to be done.
• Don't make big changes. During the first year avoid doing things that will mean a major change in your life. Don't move, don't get divorced, don't cut off communication with people you are close to. Experts say you will be a different person as time passes.
• Take care of your health. That doesn't just mean eat well, get a good night's sleep, and exercise. It means doing things that ensure emotional and spiritual well-being, too.
• Don't isolate yourself. Loneliness breeds loneliness. Don't turn down invitations, even though going out may be the last thing you want to do.
• Deal with anger. Anger is self-perpetuating and can snowball. Grief counseling can help you understand and deal with the anger you feel.
• Keep the faith. Religion won't "fix" things, experts say. But it can help normalize them. And belonging to a faith group means you have a community for support.
• Take up new activities. New activities help you form new patterns of doing things and new interests that are not associated with the person who has died.
• Make humor part of your coping routine. Humor can help provide perspective on the way your life is changing.

Please contact  Dr. Losito for any of these symptoms, feeling uncomfortable let him know at gsusan2004@hotmail.com   

What Are the Symptoms ?

Caregivers and patients alike may exhibit grief reactions to a death, even if that death has not yet occurred. These are normal reactions to loss and may help you prepare for the emotional intensity of grief after the death has occurred. This is called anticipatory grief.

Anticipatory grief takes many forms, most often fears about actual or possible losses. These may include fears of:

·         Living life without your loved one

·         Breakdown of family structure

·         A new beginning — taking a road not traveled

·         Losing your social life

·         Losing companionship

·         Losing independence 

l        Losing Control

·        

What are the symptoms?

There are many symptoms of anticipatory grief, some of which are listed below. How many of these have you experienced since you became a caregiver or seriously ill?

·         Tearfulness

·         Constant changes in emotions

·         Depression

·         Emotional numbness

·         Poor concentration

·         Forgetfulness or poor memory 

          Loneliness

·         Denial

·         Acceptance

·         Fatigue

Making the Grief Journey Easier

When experiencing anticipatory grief, there are many ways to smooth the road you are traveling. Try some of these activities:

·         Go for short walks whenever possible.

·         Keep a journal.

·         Plan for the future.

·         Seek spiritual assistance, if needed.

·         Talk to someone, such as a friend, family member, clergy, or Community Hospice psychosocial specialist or chaplain.

·         Make changes only as needed, and put off  major decisions when possible.

·         Do the things you want to do now. Postpone chores that you can do later.

·         Spend time with loved ones, friends and family.

·         Seek help from your family, friends or a Community Hospice volunteer to arrange some time to spend doing things you enjoy.

·         Call your physician if the physical symptoms of grief become overwhelming

A Mindful Way Thoughts

Depression is one of the most profound challenges of our time. We know that 25% of women and up to 12% of men will suffer a clinical depression in their lifetime and many more will suffer with mild depression. Author and professional blog writer, Therese Borchard writes a wonderful blog about personal experiences with depression. Whether you or someone you know is suffering from depression or some psychological pain like sorrow or grief, it can feel like a burden on the mind and heart. Maybe we hold the feeling in and we become numb, walking around like a zombie, or maybe we feel like if we actually let the tears flow they would never end. Perhaps there is another way, a more gentle way to approach the pain inside. IN an earlier blog I mentioned a way we can work with the tormented mind through acknowledging the reality of the present moment and then sending a message internally to calm the distressed mind.  For example, the mind can seem fragmented, thrashing, anxious, fuzzy, numb, or any number of other ways. These states of mind can be uncomfortable and our automatic struggle with them or judgments of them only serves to feed the depression. The problem is, this struggle and avoidance of it leads to disconnection of what we are truly feeling and so the mind begins to get the better of us. Here is another approach: When we notice the struggle, we want to breathe in and acknowledge the mind and while we breathe out we can say to ourselves “It’s Ok.” So if the mind is anxious, just breathing in and saying “anxious mind”, breathing out “it’s ok”.As you do this the mind may eventually change to a different feeling. See if you can notice this and then shift with it. It may start feeling fuzzy and so you can switch now to “breathing in, fuzzy, breathing out, it’s ok.”Tip: Notice any judgments arising right now when reading this, “this will never work for me” or “nothing is going to change how I feel, how stupid.” These judgments are likely well known to you and have become automatic. If they arise, just see if you can acknowledge them as just thoughts, let them be, and gently bring your attention back to the page. If this happens while you practicing, again, just acknowledge the thoughts as thoughts, let them be, and come back to the practice. To deepen: When practicing, you may or may not notice tears come. However, you may feel a sense that tears are about to come, but there is a holding back. If you feel safe enough, see if you can tell yourself “Whatever is here is ok…let me feel it.” You can do this with the practice by saying “breathing in, acknowledging what is here, breathing out, let me feel it.” As the feeling comes, just continue to breathe with it and let it be. Let your body lead, if it feels like moving to the bed or laying on the couch, go ahead and do that and just stay with it, without judgment. You can tell yourself that you can be with these emotions and “this too shall pass.” Sometimes allowing our true emotions to arise, allowing them to be, and letting them come and go can have profound implications on the safety we feel with them and ourselves.  This way of relating to our pain differently is not meant to be a panacea for depression, but is mean to change the way we relate to our pain and plant the seeds of recovery. The more we practice the more we sew these seeds. However, don’t take my word for it, please, try it for yourself. May you be safe, healthy, happy, and free from fear. 

Seek the Bereavement Counselor

How does a young child recover from the loss of a Father or Mother. In most case a young child does not and then goes into an adult full of abandonment, lack of parenting, Drug and Alcohol uses, and most case become homeless in the end. 

Dr. Nicholas Losito, Ph.D,CTS is there to provide Pre-Anticipatory losses and Prepare the young child from ever becoming lost, forgotten, and prepare them for Success.  

Coping With A Funeral

When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or whether it was expected or not, you will find yourself having to deal with a great number of people. Some you will know closely, others may be complete strangers; all will be claiming some kind of relationship to the deceased.

Whilst grieving for your loved one you may find yourself not wanting contact with anybody other than those to whom you are closest. Having to deal with so many people can be very difficult so it's important to understand how to handle them.

Relatives and Close Friends

Those who were close to the deceased need to be contacted before the funeral. When you break the news, remember that they will also need the chance to express their grief and this must be respected, no matter how deeply distressed you are feeling yourself.

Sometimes it can be difficult, if not impossible, to trace certain family members. Don't feel guilty if you've not been able to contact all of them.

Some of those who you'll need to contact may be people who you do not know personally. If they come to the funeral and you have not been able to speak to them properly it would be a good idea to write or telephone them later, to thank them for attending.

The Small Funeral

Perhaps you have decided on a small funeral, either through your own personal preference or because the deceased made their own preference clear. Perhaps the financial side of the funeral will force you into this decision. Make the decision clear and stick to it.

You may find that some friends or relatives insist on attending even after you've explained this to them. Be polite but firm. Explain that you appreciate their wish to attend, but that it is a family decision to enforce such a restriction. If they still insist, they are simply being insensitive and you may have to take a different approach. You might tell them that the date of the funeral has not yet been decided and leave things at that. Whatever you do, don't allow anyone to emotionally blackmail you into changing your decision. And don't feel guilty if you need to lie. They are being insensitive, and you are simply trying to deal with matters as best you can.

Polite Conversation

Unless the funeral is very small it will probably be impossible for you to speak to all of the attendees. Don't even try. Most people will understand that you are not going to feel like making polite conversation. You will find that those will any degree of sensitivity will simply approach you, kiss your cheek/shake your hand and offer their condolences. They will not expect more than you are able to offer.

The Wake

Most people organize some form of refreshment after the funeral. This can be a good way of accepting condolences from those you were unable to speak with during the actual service. By offering refreshments you are showing that you are willing to share your grief with those who are also suffering through their own loss.

Enlist the help of a friend or two. You may feel that you will be able to cope but having support close by will be very helpful should you find that you are feeling too upset to appear.

The Will

It's an unfortunate fact that funerals can often bring out the worst in people. Some of the most long-lasting family arguments have started at a funeral,
with squabbles over who should get what. You may find yourself surprised at just who is able to throw themselves into such arguments, even though they are in the midst of their own grief.

You may find yourself being quizzed at the graveside. People can be very clever in their approach, offering condolences and then adding the innocent question of what the deceased has left to whom. You may also find yourself the target of malicious comments regarding your 'improved financial situation'. There can be more hidden rivalry within families than most would imagine.

You mustn't allow yourself to be drawn into arguments. Simply pretend to ignore any unwanted comments and questions. If they persist, explain that you are far too upset to think about such matters at the moment and that if they've been mentioned in the will then they will be contacted in due course.

In the case of a will never having been made and where there is any disagreement regarding who has the right to what, explain that you will appoint a solicitor to handle the estate and explain, as above, that they will be contacted in due course.

The Following Days

Some people find themselves terribly alone in the days following the funeral, whereas others feel that they never have any time to themselves to grieve. Remember that others cannot read your mind anymore than you can read theirs, they're simply doing what they believe to be right.

If they choose to stay away, they are probably doing so out of respect for your privacy. If they choose to spend as much time as possible with you, this will be because they fear for your ability to cope alone. Explain to them what your needs are. If you need people around you, phone some friends and ask them to visit. If you need to be alone, explain this politely and ask if you may phone them should you need their company. You'll find that most people are very accommodating as long as they understand your needs.

The loss of a loved one is never easy and nobody will ever expect it to be. For some the funeral seems to pass as just a hazy memory, leaving a feeling of guilt at not remembering the details of this last farewell. Remember that it's the memories you have of the person when alive that are important, and it's these that will remain clear to you in the future. During deep grief it can be very difficult to grasp details of what's happening but this does not mean you didn't care. Quite the opposite in fact.