Childhood Emotional Neglect

In my experience, having helped many clients through many losses, one of the greatest prolongers of each of the 5 Stages is having grown up without enough emotional attention, validation and response from one’s parents: Childhood Emotional Neglect, or CEN.When your parents do not respond enough to your emotions as a child, you learn very early and well that your emotions and emotional needs are irrelevant (or even bad) and should be avoided. To adapt, you wall off your feelings and needs so that they will not burden your parents. Not surprisingly, when you are living with your feelings blocked off, it throws major obstacles into your path through the 5 Stages.How Childhood Emotional Neglect Blocks the 5 Stages of Grief
Makes it Hard to Move Past Denial: It’s only a short jump from denying one’s feelings to using denial as a general coping mechanism. It’s easy for a CEN person who has lost a loved one to end up prolonging his grief by refusing to feel the painful feelings that need to be accepted and processed. Alex, who stays busy to avoid his sadness and loss is a perfect example of that. Over time, avoiding your feelings of loss does nothing to process them. The result: you are stuck.
You Can’t Accept or Work With Your Anger: In phase 2, your anger is there to protect you. But if anger wasn’t allowed from you in your childhood home, you may have great difficulty allowing yourself to be angry as a grieving adult. You may be at risk of instead turn your anger inward at yourself, compounding your feeling of loss with even more pain.
Difficulty Accepting Help and Support: CEN makes you feel guilty or weak for having normal emotional needs. It’s hard for you to ask for help or accept comfort from others even in the best of times. When you’re grieving, there are few things that can help more than the love and support of someone who cares about you.
Depression Phase is Prolonged: With your emotions walled off, your anger directed at yourself, and the people most able to support you kept at bay, you are at great risk for getting stuck in a depression that won’t let go. How can Joanne move forward to the next phase, accept the painful reality of her loss and heal from it when her brain chemicals are thrown out of balance by depression?
Open up and talk to someone who can give you comfort. Ask for support and accept it. It will help.
Make a point to feel your feelings of grief, even if only for a brief period every day. Think about the one you’ve lost, and cry if you need to.
Pay attention to whether you are stuck in anger or depression. Might an anti-depressant give you a kick-start to deal with the genuine sad feelings that are waiting to be processed? Consult a professional, if needed.
Start addressing your Childhood Emotional Neglect. It’s important to begin to feel all of your feelings, not just your grief. Just as your grief is blocked in some way, so also is your joy. You need to feel all of your emotions in order to heal and move forward.

The whole point of the 5 Stages is to move through them. Experiencing one phase, allowing yourself to be in it and face it prepares you to move to the next phase. Moving through the phases allows your brain to process the reality, preparing you for acceptance. Acceptance must happen before you can turn your attention forward to rebuilding yourself and your life.If this is you, it’s important to re-direct and focus yourself.4 Ways to Manage Your CEN Through GriefWhen you are grieving something, it’s crucial to acknowledge that you only feel grief when you had something great to begin with. So a part of your grief must be appreciation and gratefulness for what you had.

Compassionate:

So now I’d like to highlight the particular strengths you likely have if you grew up this way.

The Five Uncommon Strengths of the Emotionally Neglected

Independent: Growing up you knew, even though it was perhaps never said out loud, that you were essentially on your own. Problem with a teacher? You solved it. Conflict with a friend? You figured it out yourself. Your childhood was a training ground for self-sufficiency. Now, as an adult, you prefer to do things yourself. Because you’re so very competent, the great thing is that for the most part, you can.

Compassionate: As a child your feelings were far too often ignored. But that probably didn’t stop you from feeling for others. Research has shown that even young babies feel empathy. I have noticed that many people who were emotionally neglected in childhood have decreased access to their own feelings, but extra sensitivity to other people’s feelings. Compassion is a powerful, healing, and bonding force. And you have it in spades.

Giving: Having received a dearth of emotional acknowledgment and validation in childhood, you learned not to ask for things. Part of being independent and compassionate is that you are more aware of others’ needs than you are of your own. So now as an adult, you don’t ask for a lot, but you do give a lot.

Flexible: As a child, you were probably not often consulted. Instead of being asked what you wanted or needed, you had no choice but to adjust to the situation at hand. So now, all grown up, you’re not demanding, pushy or controlling. Instead, you’re the opposite. You can go with the flow far better than most people. And you do.

Likable: The people of Childhood Emotional Neglect are some of the most likable in this world. Compassionate, giving and selfless, you are the one your friends seek out when they need help, advice or support. You are there for your family and friends, and maybe even strangers too. Others know that they can rely on you. Are you ever puzzled about why people like you? It’s because you have these five unmistakably lovable qualities.

Many CEN people are secretly aware of their great strength, and value it in themselves.

I don’t need help,

I don’t need anything,

I can handle it,

I’ll take care of it,

I’ll be fine with whatever you decide,

I’m strong,

they say.

If this is true of you, the idea of changing yourself can be frightening. You don’t want to feel dependent on anyone, including a therapist, friend or spouse. You’re afraid of appearing needy, or weak, or helpless. You have a grave fear of becoming selfish.

But here is the beauty of CEN: Your strengths are so enduring that you can make them even better by balancing them.

So you remain independent, but you lose your fear of depending on someone when you need to.

You remain as competent as you’ve always been, but you’re OK with asking for help when you need it.

You stay flexible and can go with the flow, but you are also aware and mindful of your own needs.

You can still handle things.

You’re just as strong as ever.

More balanced and more open, you’re still loved and respected by all who know you.

And the great thing is that now you also love and respect yourself.