Death

"Love never dies a natural death. He died because of neglect, blindness, indifference, to have it taken for granted, for not being cultivated. The omissions are the deadliest mistakes consumed. '
A. Nin


 

Empty Chair During the Holy Days!

Getting ready for the 16th Thanksgiving after Papa death has continuously been
hard to continue to keep the faith of his blessings upon me. How would I possibly celebrate the Holy Days without him and a very special friend whose specialness will be restored. This Is a prayer to have Papa's spirit bring a wonderfulness of a beautiful memory to all of his children and grandchildren with having the Special Friend return become the greatest gift of the Holy Days.  How could I face preparing the meals he taught to prepare Better then better before the families arrived for the Holy Days Celebrations.

Of course, my siblings and I have become success, since Papa's death.  For this we have elected to keep a chair at our table; the absence of Papa and the Special Friend will not be overlooked.

As the years have gone by, the loss has become less painful. Now our memories of Papa and others who’ve passed out of our lives are laced with humor and nostalgia.  The chairs are empty.  And yet,  the relationships with the people who once occupied them continue on in our shared memories and stories.

To negotiate through the first holiday season following a death is seldom uncomplicated. Although the traditions that evolve in subsequent years may be fine in their own way, holy days without our loved one will never be quite the same.  The holy days after a recent death highlight the absence and often throw people into confusion.  Grieving people know they should “move on” – whatever that means – but aren’t at all sure they want to and don’t know how. Those who care about the person in mourning want to be helpful but are equally confused about how to do it.  It’s a situation that is poignantly human.

For those of you who have lost a loved one within the past year, thinking about the empty chair at the holy day table may intensify grief in all its complex manifestations: sadness, anger, resentment, and maybe even guilt about the loss and, yes, joy and sweetness and gratitude that the person was in your life.  For those who care about the grieving person, it can be difficult to know how best to honor the memory contributing to pain.

Grief counselors generally agree on some basic guidelines that can help you manage a personal loss or help you support those in mourning during the Christmas season.

If you are the grieving person:

• Allow yourself the right to grieve.   American culture has a tough time with death. For some reason, there is pressure to get on with life within a year after a loss.  That expectation is unrealistic and unfair.  Most people take three to five years to fully accept the loss of someone they loved.  If someone dear to you died during this past year, remind yourself that it’s normal and healthy to want to bow out of some of the events of the winter holidays that emphasize family and togetherness when you are feeling alone in a new and painful way.
  
  
• Take care of yourself.   Discipline yourself to get enough sleep, to eat right, and to follow your normal routines – especially if you don’t feel like it.   You’ll be better able to make good decision about what makes sense for you to do over the Christmas season.
  
  
• Plan ahead.    Do you want to be alone or will being with those who love you ease the pain?   Really think about it.   Sometimes being alone makes the arcaneness much too hard to bear.   Sometimes being in a crowd is overwhelming.   Only you know what is best for you.   Talk to key family members and ask them to support you in whichever decision you make.
  
  
• Rethink hosting the party.   If yours is the usual gathering place, think about whether you want to do it this year.  Some people like getting lost in the details of planning and managing a dinner for twelve.  But if you are one of those who finds it just too hard to make a party when in mourning, know that it’s okay to be “selfish” in times like these and to beg off.   People who love you will understand.   Those who don’t aren’t worth worrying about.   At the very least, ask for help and accept all offers to spread the responsibilities around.
  
  
• Give people permission to share stories.  Many people have the idea that the best way to help someone in grief is to avoid talking about the person who has passed. Most of the time, they are mistaken.  When we stop talking about someone is when they are really lost to the family.  Let people know that as hard as it is that the person is no longer with us, it’s important to remember the good times, to laugh about funny things they did or said, and to acknowledge that he or she is missed.
  
  
• Do things a little differently.   For some people, doing the usual traditions and celebrations makes the loved one’s absence all the more painful.  Think about whether doing things a bit differently or going to a different place would be helpful.
  

If you are a family member or friend of someone who is grieving:

• Allow the person the right to grieve.    Everyone does it differently. Some people want to withdraw from the world and work through their sadness alone.   At the other end of the spectrum are those who manage by carrying on as usual and tempering the pain through the distraction of people and parties.   Carefully consider what your loved one needs, not what you would do in the situation.
  
  
• Take care.   If you notice that your family member or friend isn’t eating, getting enough sleep, or functioning well at home and work, don’t ignore it.   These are signs that the person is possibly getting clinically depressed.   Invite the person to a meal. Talk to her about the importance of maintaining routines.   If her inability to take care of herself is prolonged,  do what you can to get her to a counselor (Dr. Losito).
  
  
• Plan ahead.  Ask the person in mourning what he-she wants to have happen at family events.  How would he like to acknowledge the loss and at the same time keep the holy days going for everyone?  Some families literally set an empty place at the table and take a moment to share anecdotes about the person who has passed away. Others make a toast to the memories.   Still others offer a prayer.   Talk together about what will feel best for everyone involved.
  
  
• Offer help.   If the grieving person is the one who usually hosts family gatherings, see if someone else can offer to do it this year.  If he-she wants to keep up the tradition, get as many family members as possible to help with the shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, and whatever else needs to be done.
  
  
• Talk to the grieving person about the loss.   Listen without judgment.  Resist giving advice.  Just be there.   Understand that grief comes and goes in intensity and frequency for quite awhile.  It is by talking and listening that we all integrate sadness and gradually move on.
  
  
• Try out a new activity that was never shared by the person who is gone. It’s helpful to do some things that aren’t shadowed by the fact that the last time we did them, the deceased person shared it.   If people like the new ideas, they can become part of the family tradition.  Or not.  Leave that decision for next year.
  

Time does indeed heal most things.  But everyone has his or her own sense of timing.  If this is your first Christmas season since the loss of a loved one, give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel and do what you need to do to get through it.  Find ways to honor the memory of your loved one and to accept the support and care of those who love you.

If you are a friend or family member of someone who is grieving, give them support, love, and concrete assistance.  By talking about their loved one and by listening to their stories and feelings, you help reassure them that the sadness may fade but our relationships with people we love never really ends.

Your Smile Has Left Your Eyes!

Tell me how I can live life without you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mgUpv55QhQ&feature=share

 

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years Thoughts.

1. Don’t over-plan. It can be tempting to arrange to first swing by Nonna's, then see your in-law’s at their home, then return and make a holiday dinner for your family and your out-of-town brother and his five kids. Don’t do it. T he holidays are time for reconnecting, but if you’re bitter, grumpy, and yelling at your spouse, you (and the rest of your family) will be miserable and disconnected.
2. Realize that you can’t please everyone.  The more people who are involved in a situation, the greater the chance for hurt feelings and misunderstandings.  This year your parents might not be able to see the kids open up their presents or you may miss seeing your sisters at Thanksgiving.  Do the best that you can with the limited time and energy you have.
3. Make a budget, and stick to it.  Don’t go into debt purchasing things you can’t afford, or else come January you’ll regret it.   Families often will have a year when to make all of their gifts by hand, or they’ll do a gift exchange rather than purchasing things for everyone.  The holidays are a time for sharing and showing love.  You don’t need to purchase anything for this.  Remember, you and your family and friends will not remember the gifts you gave them, or the amazing pies you baked. They’ll remember the feelings they experienced, and the stories and laughter shared.
4. Think about what feelings you want to experience during the holidays.  Do you want a frantic excited holiday, or a serene and peaceful one?  Do you want to be surrounded by tons of people, or have a more intimate time with your loved ones?  Plan your day with this in mind
5. Be aware of your anxiety and stress level.  Have an idea of things you can do if you begin feeling your anxiety rise.  Some people find that going into a quiet part of the house away from people is helpful.  Others seek out their spouse or partner, some people find the resident cat or dog and give it attention, others step outside.
6. Have an escape plan.  Seriously. If things get nasty, Zia ANDREINA:   has too much whiskey and becomes verbally abusive, or your introvert spouse starts hyperventilating, make a graceful exit. It may be enough to simply go out for a walk, or you may need to return home.

Even the best families have conflict and stress, and holidays are notorious for exaggerating stress that is already present. Remember, the world will not end if you leave the party early, if you buy a pie instead of make one from scratch, or if this year you stay home rather than going to your grandparent’s house. Your happiness matters, as does your mental health!

A Grief Observed

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear… The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing… There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says…"

 (C. S. Lewis, from A Grief Observed, a journal of his thoughts and feelings after the death of his wife, Joy)

Suggestions for Preventing or Stopping Overwhelm

1. Accept your anxiety.

Has fighting your feelings of overwhelm ever helped you erase them? Probably not. More likely, battling your emotions only boosted them. According to Deibler, “It’s ‘normal’ to experience some degree of anxiety when stressors are unfamiliar, unpredictable, or imminent.” Think of acceptance as riding out a wave, she said.

2. Change overwhelm-inducing thoughts.

Thoughts of uncontrollability or unpredictability are the backbone of overwhelm, according to Chapman. It’s the unrealistic or unreasonable thoughts that spark our stressed-out reaction. That’s why it’s important to pay attention to what we tell ourselves and learn to create helpful thoughts.
Let’s say you have a mile-long to-do list, and all you keep thinking is “I’ll never get this done.” That’s a damaging thought that can lead to distress and anxiety, Deibler said. And it paralyzes you from problem-solving and taking action, she said. But remember that you’re not a slave to your ruminations.
Ask yourself “In what ways might this [thought] be inaccurate, unreasonable or unhelpful?” Deibler said. Next, consider how you can think more realistically. Here, your goal is to generate alternative thoughts that will lead to positive emotions and behavior.
For instance, to revise the above overwhelming thought, Deibler suggested these alternatives: “I may not get it all finished today, but if I work on it or if I seek assistance, I will likely get it done;” “I know I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, but if I take a break, I may feel differently about this when I return;” “It seems overwhelming to me right now, but if I break it down into smaller parts, it may be more doable.”

3. Change your multitasking mindset.

“’Multitasking’ by definition implies that we are doing too many things at once,” Chapman said. He suggested readers shift their perspective. “We have to change our expectation that everything has to be completed right now ‘or else.’”

4. Focus on right now.

When you’re consumed with what may or may not happen in several minutes or months, you can’t appreciate the here and now, Deibler said. Instead, schedule time to plan for the future, so you can breathe in the present moment, she said.

5. Take a deep breath.

Deep breathing encourages our body’s relaxation response, Deibler said. Other calming and stress-reducing activities includ progressive muscle relaxtion, guided imagery,  Tai chi and yoga, she said.

6. Take action.

To quell overwhelm, engage in an activity that you enjoy, such as listening to music, reading a book or taking a walk, Deibler said. And consider how you can solve the stressors that triggered your overwhelm in the first place, she said.

Healthy Eating: Starting a Plan for Change

If you have decided to start a healthy eating plan, congratulations! Making that decision is an important step in becoming a healthier person.

Keep these key points in mind:

• When you're trying to develop new habits-whether it's healthy eating, getting more exercise, or quitting smoking-you have a better chance of success if you make a plan ahead of time.
• Knowing why you want to eat healthier can help you make changes in your eating habits. And writing down your reasons will be a good reminder later on if you get discouraged.
• A plan for forming new habits includes long-term and short-term goals as well as ideas for getting past barriers-things that might get in the way of your success.
• Start with small, short-term goals that you can reach pretty easily. It's easier to stay with something new when you have early, frequent successes.
• Support from family and friends can go a long way toward helping you find success in eating healthier. Don't be afraid to let them know what you're trying to do-and ask for their help.   

Eating one healthy meal isn't hard. It may not even be hard to eat three healthy meals in a single day. The hard part is making changes in your daily life so that you start eating healthy every day-and keep eating healthy every day.

It's all about changing your habits. And changing your habits is easier if you make a plan first.

Starting a life of healthy eating-or making any kind of change in the way you live your daily life-is like being on a path. The path leads to success. There are three steps that can help you get started:

1. Have your own reasons for wanting to change.
2. Set goals.
3. Think about what might get in your way, and prepare for slip-ups.

Your reason for wanting this is really important. Don't do it because someone else wants you to. What makes you want to start eating healthier foods?

• You have a specific health concern (your heart, high blood pressure or high cholesterol, diabetes, depression, your bones and muscles, or something else).
• You want to feel better and have more energy.
• You want to lose weight.
• You have another reason for wanting to do this.

Write down your reasons for wanting to make this change. Put the list where you can see it easily. It will be a daily reminder of why you want to make a change.
It?s not easy to make changes. But taking the time now to really think about what will motivate or inspire you will help you stay with it.