GOALS!

The Focus Factor
Goals work simply because without a clearly defined target, we cannot channel our energies. The human spirit has infinite abilities to accomplish most anything it sets out to achieve, but without clearly defined targets, that capacity is scattered and massively diluted. Goals work to focus our power just as a magnifying glass can capture scattered light and turn it into the power to burn.

The Visualization Factor
Crystal-clear goals allow us to utilize visualization, unleashing powers 10 to 100 times greater than that of goal-setting alone.

The human spirit and unconscious mind cannot distinguish between an actual experience and one that has been vividly imagined. Our conscious mind certainly can. This is the discerning part of our mind, the part with all the mind-numbing judgments about people (including ourselves), and the part that keeps us playing small. However, to that part of us which is powerful, magical and spiritual, the visualized event is seen and felt as though it is really happening now. This experiential seeing, feeling and knowing creates an instant sense of confidence.

The Belief Factor
In a 2004 Masters Golf Tournament, Phil Mickelson was trailing by three strokes with only six holes to play. He had to sink this very difficult putt to give himself a chance to win. In his words Phil, "Kept believing and believing that things would work out for him that day." And they did. He sank the putt, birdied another and then sank an improbable 20-footer on the 18th to win by one stroke. This victory-causing belief was not a function of experience. Mickelson had the undesirable distinction of playing in 48 major tournaments and never winning any of them! He was known for being the best golfer in the world never to have won a Major.

How can you learn like Phil Mickelson to believe in something that has never actually happened for you?

Visualization creates the breakthrough. Imagine yourself achieving a goal and celebrating how it feels. Imagine yourself doing this 1,000 times over a 30-day period. To your conscious mind, you have just imagined something that "might never happen." But to the part of you that inspires miracles, it just did happen – 1,000 times! When the pressure is on for you to perform, it is the spirit within you that will be summoned to act or attract ‘luck.’ And after experiencing success 1,000 times, that part of you will tend to believe.

Your head may not believe it – but your body, heart and soul will.

Post Holiday Worry's

Some of the holidays are past and others will soon be over. I find that many people dread the holidays.

There are expectations heaped on about family, friends, good will, and a meal shared with loved ones together in a cozy atmosphere. The holidays don’t change things; the holidays amplify things.

If we are in a close family unit then holidays will magnify this and make the experience even better. Many people don’t live in that type of world.

Geography has separated us from family and friends. Families used to live together in the same village or town for generations. This did not guarantee that folks got along, but it did provide for a sense of belonging. If you have two dozen relatives in a town chances are you get along with at least some of them. If you only have one or two relatives the chance of conflict is greater. If you have no relative then you are at the mercy of the dreaded long-distance relationship. You can be cut off without any recourse.

Children and teens often talk about their holiday experiences in counseling. 

Their commentary on the holidays is most interesting. They often express feeling embarrassed, not understood, confused, moody, and upset. After we talk for a while they may have a clearer idea about their concerns. For example, teenagers often experience anxiety and/or depression during the time they are out of school. Life goes from fast-paced to a snail crawl within a day or two. Here are some thoughts about the moods you may observe in your kids once they are home for the holidays.

Children spend the majority of their life in a school atmosphere. When not at school they experience a change in mood. Although most kids are happy to have the breaks, they are not always prepared for how to go from one dimension of involvement to another. They need empathy and assistance in making the transition from school to home and then from home back to the school environment.

Teens tell me that they feel bored. Parents often feel insulted, as they do try to provide a meaningful life for their children. The boredom is more about the change from busy to sedate. Children and teens can benefit from hearing that it is OK to be bored and without a particular pursuit in progress. It is OK to just be and not always do. In our fast-paced culture and world it is easy to forget how to be, how to just breath, and how to appreciate the sound of your own heart beating. The flurry of all things that need to be done distracts us from our natural biologic and animal rhythm.

Children often report there is considerable fighting or tension over the holidays. They keep the secrets about what goes on in the family and this is a huge burden to carry. They don’t want to dishonor their parents by talking about the mean things said or done. They are embarrassed to talk about it, because a part of them feels they must bear some responsibility in their parents choice of actions.

If your child or teen seems sullen make time to talk or go for a walk and just share silence together.

If you child is angry ask what might help right now. You could take a hike, go to the gym, do something that works the body. Or, play one of those video games you hate to see your kids play. Do it together and ask your child what it is about the game they most like. It isn’t the violence they like. It is not being caught and killed. This is partly due to the similarity to real life and how consequences to a child or teen feel like a death threat.

Continue to remember that children feel everything adults do, but they feel many things for the first time. The first times are always more intense. Have empathy, be emotionally available, and let these wonderful little guys and gals know how important they are to you.

Are We Thankful?

“You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.” — Paulo Coelho

Each year is a transition.  We let go of relationships, connections to places, jobs and ways of being.  But this opens us to new people, new associations and different ways of relating.  Through death or circumstance or choice we move away from those we loved, or cared for, or knew: The unknown, the surprise, the unexpected takes their place.  This is life.

Too often the losses weigh us down with a centrifugal sadness that keeps us pinned to the passing.  Our energy is invested in the mourning, often for longer than what may be healthy or helpful.  But the loss we experience is directly proportional to the joy and love and engagement we have had.  We feel the pain because we knew the joy.  So the grieving must honor the connection as well.

The research of gratitude keeps demonstrating how powerful a positive intervention of having gratitude in our lives can be.  To acknowledge someone for being in your life is one of the most dynamic ways to increase your well-being and the well-being of others.  This exercise works best if you write it down, and even better if you can deliver a letter of gratitude to the person involved.  Here’s how it works.

If it is possible and appropriate, meaning that it would not cause harm, embarrassment or upset to the other person, find them.  Track them down and read them the letter.  This is the famous gratitude visit exercise researched by Martin Seligman, the positive psychology researcher.  Think of a person who has been a positive person in your life, but with whom you are no longer involved.  Write out a letter of gratitude for the positive features of your relationship.

If they are unavailable or have died, read the letter out loud to an empty chair.  Let them know how much you appreciate who they are (were) and the joy and gratitude you have for them being (or have been) in your life. 

Now for the interesting part: Reverse roles. Sit in the empty chair and become them for the role play. As them, respond to the letter that was just read to you.

Finally, come back into your own chair and say the final things you wish to say.  Notice how you feel.  Yes, they may no longer be in your life, but honoring the joys they brought you can help them if they are available, and you feel better if it is done through an empty chair.  I call this second method the Virtual Gratitude Visit (VGV).

There may be others you would like to share your gratitude with.  New research has show that gratitude toward God is perhaps one of the most powerful ways to evoke feelings of well-being.  With a VGV you may want to express your gratitude toward God.  Yes, it is okay to reverse roles and become him, but don’t forget to come back to your own chair.  Otherwise you are going to find a lot of prayer requests in your email inbox.

Last but not least, as we transition into the New Year, perform a VGV toward the people we haven’t met.  When I think back to last January and the people I said goodbye to over the year, literally several dozen new people came into my life who have filled me with unexpected joy and hope and wonderment.  Gratitude can be used to open us up to the future.  Try a VGV with a person you haven’t met yet but know you are scheduled to meet, or to the unknown, unexpected encounters you are bound to have. You may even want to express your gratitude toward a future self, the person you are becoming over the next year.

Finally, when the dust from the VGVs settles down, take a moment and review the year. Notice your breath.  Just like people and events in our life, our breath is drawn in and released.  We don’t hold on or just breathe out: we take in and let go.  What we are left with is the stuff of life.

We began with the words of the brilliant Brazilian lyricist and novelist, Paulo Coelho.  I do not think anyone could say it more clearly than him, so it seems fitting to end with his thoughts as well. “When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive.” 

References

Rosmarin, D.H., Pirutinsky, S., Cohen. A., Galler, Y., & Krumrei, E.J. (2011). Grateful to God or just plain grateful? A study of religious and non-religious gratitude. Journal of Positive Psychology, 6(5), 389-396.

Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60(5), 410.

Tomasulo, D. (2011). Can God and Gratitude Help Your Mental Health?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 27, 2011, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives /2011/12/11/can-god-and-gratitude-help-your-mental-health/

True Belief - Care - and - Loyalty

I do acknowledge a loss of life, relationship, employment, housing, health, education, and pets can be a painful experience one can endure in life. There is a total True Belief one can not cope a loss by oneself.  For this reason the family and really true friends are required to standby to provide comfort along with returning assembly into the bereaved.  Consequently, This Belief can "Only" come from the One that can provide a complete makeover for all the losses one does experience in one’s life time. 

All the therapy and bereavement sessions will not totally be the end all, unless you place trust in the Physician of Life Hand. The Physician of Life Hand can and will eradicate all the emotional stresses due to a one particular loss.  

This film has brought a makeover and stronger Belief into many.   http://www.hulu.com/watch/37134/the-miracle-maker and  in this 1994 video from The Pretenders "I'll Stand by You" totally provided a significant care to one half of the couple,  who did experience  some loss at the work center. This 1994 video clearly gave a great example of the woman improving and enhancing the quality of a relationship.   There is truly a lack of improving and enhancing relationships at this moment in time.   In society today most women can not provide that loving and enhancing to their man for one reason or another.   Relationship requires the implementation of more High Touch into the couple life.    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY0_oVV29PM.

These two videos completely provide great examples during a particular loss of life, relationship, health, employment, education, housing, and pets.   Let these two videos be part of your lives and to those, who have or may anticipate an experienced a loss.

Care and Compassion

Grieving is hard work and grieving should not be done alone.   Friends seek out your bereaved loved ones, and dear friends support each one of them during the Christmas Season.   Provide loving compassionate love, without looking for a tax deduction for assisting anyone in grief and loss.

Supportive Care toward the Bereaved.

Christmas, many people are dealing with loss and are often caught in a dilemma between the need to grieve and the pressure to get into the spirit of the season. Christmas or not, it is important for the bereaved to find ways to take care of themselves. The following guidelines may be helpful:

1. Plan ahead as to where and how you will spend your time during the Christmas. Let yourself scale back on activities if you want to. Redefine your Christmas expectations. This can be a transition year to begin new traditions and let others go.

2. Select a candle in your loved one's favorite color and scent. Place it in a special area of your home and light it at a significant time throughout the Holy Days, signifying the light of the love that lives on in your heart.

3. Give yourself permission to express your feelings. If you feel an urge to cry, let the tears flow. Tears are healing. Scientists have found that certain brain chemicals in our tears are natural pain relievers.

4. Shakespeare once said, “Give sorrow words…” Write an “un-sent letter” to your loved one. expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this moment. After you compose the letter, you may decide to place it in a book, album or drawer in your home, leave it at a memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it and let the ashes rise symbolically.

5. When you are especially missing your loved one, call family members or dear friends and share your feelings. If they knew him or her, consider asking them to share some memories of times they shared with your loved one.

6. If you live within driving distance of the cemetery, decorate the memorial site with a Christmas theme. This could include flowers, garlands, ribbons, bows, evergreen-branches, packages, pine-cones or a miniature Christmas tree. Decorating the site yourself can be helpful in remembering and celebrating your loved one's life during the Holy days, and may free you to cherish the present holy day with your remaining family.

7. Play music that is comforting and meaningful to you. Take a few moments to close your eyes and feel the music within the center of your being.

8. Give money you would have spent for gifts for your absent loved one to a charity in your family member's name. Consider donating money to the public library to buy a particular book. Have the book dedicated to your loved one's memory. Buy a present for a child who would not otherwise have a gift during the Christmas season.

9. Read a book or article on grief. Some suggestions are: Don't Take My Grief Away From Me by Doug Manning; The Comfort Book For Those Who Mourn compiled by Anna Trimiew; and A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis.

10. Remember the reality that the anticipation Christmas  without your family member is often harder than the actual holy days  themselves.

Actions One Can do During the Holy Days

The holidays have the potential to be stressful, whether it’s extra activities and responsibilities, family feuds or squabbles, cash concerns or shakeups to your daily routine.

But you can absolutely enjoy yourself and have a great holiday season. Here are eight tips from experts on making the most of the holidays.

1. Set an intention for the season.

When acting on your intention, try to find simple, less stressful solutions. If you really want to host a party, but feel drained just thinking about it, have a potluck instead, Taliaferro said. You get what you want, minus the stress.

2. Have realistic expectations.

Come holiday season we tend to assume that our bratty kids will transform into little angels and our always-fighting families will become the Brady Bunch. “But if [your relatives] haven’t gotten along for the other 11 months of the year, why should you think December will be any different?” said Darlene Mininni, Ph.D, MPH, author of The Emotional Toolkit, who works privately with individuals and speaks nationally on topics related to emotional health and well-being.

We also put a lot of pressure on ourselves to pull off the perfect holiday, with just the right gifts, food, decorations and so on. But setting sky-high and unrealistic expectations only leads to disappointment and distress and leaves you missing out.

“It’s the discrepancy between what you expect and what you get that creates disappointment and unhappiness during the holidays,” Mininni said. She suggested readers take a hard look at the reality of their expectations. If they’re idealistic, “…rethink how you’ll approach this season so you can close the gap between your fantasy and your reality.”

And look at it this way: “Relaxed and happy is so much more enjoyable than perfect and pressured,” said Andrea Medea, author ofConflict Unraveled: Fixing Problems at Work and in Families and Going Home without Going Crazy: How to Get Along with Your Parents and Family (Even When They Push Your Buttons).

When things go wrong, that’s when funny memories are made, anyway. “Frankly, it’s a fabulous memory when the cat runs off with the turkey,” Medea said. She recommended Virginia Brucker’s bookGifts from the Heart: Simple Ways to Make Your Family’s Christmas More Meaningful, which focuses on simplicity and love, not perfection.

3. Have a plan for potentially tense situations.

With some relatives we know exactly how a get-together will play out, because it’s happened year after year…after year. What can help in minimizing conflict is to create a plan about how you’ll react. “Anticipate stressful situations you might encounter and be prepared with a few words to help maintain a sense of calm,” Taliaferro said.

If your mother-in-law — you know, the one who tends to push your buttons — is staying with you for several days, figure out how you’ll approach her when she inevitably hits a nerve, Taliaferro said. Let’s say she criticizes your parenting. When she makes a comment, Taliaferro said, you might reply: “I love how much you care about the kids,” and “recognize her intention, which really is about caring for the kids.” Or you might say: “Thank you for respecting my parenting style. I know sometimes that’s hard to do.”

If she continues criticizing and your intention for the season is to be calm and non-reactive, consider what would be the best action to take in this situation. “If calm inhabited your body, how would calm respond to her? Calm may leave the room and go for a walk alone to cool off,” Taliaferro said.

4. Maintain some of your routines.  

Many people tend to get stressed when their routines are broken, which happens often during the holidays. “Keep some of your grounding rituals in the mix, such as daily fitness [and] getting enough sleep,” Taliaferro said. These activities give you more energy and are key stress relievers.

5. Take care of your mind, body and behavior.  

Rick Hanson, Ph.D, a neuropsychologist and author of Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time, suggested readers pay attention to their body, emotions, thoughts and actions.

• Body: We experience the physical sensations of stress and anxiety thanks to the sympathetic nervous system, our ancient fight-or-flight system. The antidote, Hanson said, is to activate the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). “Easy ways to light up the PNS include l-o-n-g exhalations, relaxing the tongue, warming the hands (or imagining that they are warm, like holding a cup of cocoa), and relaxing the body as a whole.”
• Emotions: Encourage positive emotions by focusing on and savoring all the positive experiences associated with the holidays. Spending a minute or so relishing these experiences helps them enter our long-term emotional memory and sink in, Hanson said.
• Thoughts: This time of year our heads are swirling with should sand musts. We know how detrimental these thoughts can be. Hanson encourages readers to return to “the simple truth that in this moment, each moment, you are actually basically alright; the simple fullness of being in the present, not regretting the past or worrying about or planning the future.”
• Actions: “Slow down and do less,” Hanson said. “Keep coming back to your breathing as you look for gifts, do dishes, wrap presents, or visit friends.” Remember that others may be struggling during the holidays, too, so be kind and compassionate. Also, consider “giving the gift of your full attention to others, rather than being distracted by your to do list; or the gifts of forgiveness, gratitude, and wholeheartedness.”

6. Create reminders of your intention.

It’s easy to get carried away, let stress consume you and forget the purpose and meaning of the holidays. A visual reminder helps bring you back and put things in perspective. Taliaferro suggested taping quotes to your fridge or putting them in frames in other areas of the house. Some of her favorite quotes:

• “The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good.” – James Allen.
• “In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you” – Deepak Chopra.
• “Peace does not require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.”  - Byron Katie.
• “Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”  - author unknown.

7. Create an environment of calm.

Taliaferro also suggested creating a sense of calm in your different environments. For instance,  “play calm music at home, in your car or at work.” Have objects that relax you, too, such as scented candles.

8. Have fun activities planned for get-togethers.

“Since holiday guests can be a source of stress for people, plan very simple and pleasurable activities with your more ‘challenging’ relatives and you may find the relationship flows much easier in that moment since you’re both having fun,” Taliaferro said.

“Rather than just fume, waiting for Uncle Jeff to act out, have some DVDs of old comedies. Abbott and Costello doing ‘Who’s on First?’ works for any generation,” Medea added. She also suggested taking out your oldest photo albums and sharing the stories behind them.

And in general, don’t forget that all families are complicated. “A simple family is like asking for a simple universe,” Medea said. “Families are wonderfully complex, layered, with generations of baggage.” And don’t forget, too, that the holiday season “also brings the possibility of building bridges back to people we love, even if they drive us crazy.”